Drowning Out The Night

Drowning out the night.
Laying here with you,
So much to say.
So much drowning out my thoughts.

The moment here before gone.
Till we meet again,
The time apart,
Mistakes made.

Putting the perspective there,
Laying here, thinking.
Everything perfect, simple, nice.
Breakfast and dinner together.
Drinks and celebrations.
Even a cuppa.

Simple all around,
But just that.
Simple, kind and nice.
Those occasional,
Nice times.

The song you play,
The way we danced.

The pieces missing and fitting.
All in its complexity,
Its rarity and depth.
For those smallest times.

Nothing that can be explained.
Nothing around to compare.

So much on the horizon,
New times ahead.

So much said,
Yet to be.

As I lay here.
You next to me.
Time passing
Time passed.

All in the distance,
Unknown. But here.
But here in the present.
Laying next to you,
You speak,
A moment.
This moment.

Now passed.
But remembered.
A light bright,

A light drowning out the night.
A smallest reminder.
Kindness in a world.

Kindness among the world of thorns.

Thorns I clear,
One at a time.
To renew my world,
My mind.

As I lay there.
Next to you,
The thoughts,
The mind,
The time.
The moments before,
The times shared.
Conversations said.
All in the now.
Then passed.

All drowning out the night.

Wrote this, thinking of one night, a few actually. But one especially. Someone I haven’t seen for months.

Occasionally messaging. Messaged quite a little bit recently, and some mutual friends. The great time. But especially one.

Drinking, chatting, about the past, present and future. And that’s it. Another time, walking around playing music and having an amazing time. The best time on the beach, the night before we had to part ways.

Guess this is a storyesque, about that one night in particular. Simple, so fast to end. Lying around chatting. About everything. Oh how the memory wants to fade, as usual. But also funny how the memory doesn’t, but only very slowly. Hopefully not too long.

Wrote this listening to Before We Say Goodbye by Prozak

Looking at this, all the tenses mixed, I don’t really know what I was trying to write here, and how, but it all came out mixed, somewhat poetic, reminiscent of the uncertainty with the mind, with life. Yet always something good just on the horizon.


Can’t Explain

Can’t explain all thoughts
Thoughts running on through my brain
Good and the bad.
All a massive swirl,
To hold and to keep.

The message from afar.
Those times.
Moments held so dear,

Moments just around the corner.
But. Can’t explain.
Just the times ahead.
Ready for the grasp.

Those silent moments.
The times to come.

Can’t explain.
Times gone,
Times to come.
All the moments.

I can’t explain.

The One Who Chooses

The one who chooses,
One body,
Two choices.

A dichotomy of method.
Many considerations.
I stand here at the crossroads.

The one who chooses.
Connected, united yet also divided.

We stand here,
The choice.

The one who chooses.

Where we are in place.

We. Are the one who choose.

A bit unusual, the inspiration for this poem is a part of a reading, a quote from Wallace Stegner. The quote reminded me of choice and let me imagine, slightly reminded me of Prometheus the movie and the Panspermia theory, and thought about humans and their impact on the planet and how when people say humans are a terrible species. I would always disagree. It is an intelligent species. As with everything with intelligence, it is capable of the most good and terrible things. It is choice that distinguishes us.

“the special human mark, the special record of human passage, that distinguishes man from all other species. It is rare enough among men, impossible to any other form of life. It is simply the deliberate and chosen refusal to make any marks at all… We are the most dangerous species of life on the planet, and every other species, even the earth itself, has cause to fear our power to exterminate. But we are also the only species which, when it chooses to do so, will go to great effort to save what it might destroy.

From: Cronon, William. ‘The Trouble with Wilderness: Or, Getting Back to the Wrong Natue”. Environmental History, Vol.1, No.1, (Jan., 1996), pp.7-28

That Bad Time

Hands shaking,
Breathing shallow and fast.
Mind racing, hurting and dull.
My mind the wasteland, full of pain.
Moving on and past,
In time,
But for now, the pain grasps hold.

Mind taking me away from the present,
Everything taking my attention.
My mind inside itself,
Hiding in pain,
Excruciating torture.

Making an hour feel like 5,
Mind racing and thrashing,
Itself against a wall,
The constant motion.

All reflecting,
In those bad times.

Wrote this a little while ago, just thinking. Thinking about the feeling, of total sadness, and panic of the past. So I guess a storyesque poem.

Feeling better now, did a lot of productive work for later. Friends, always being so kind and helping. One quote I’ve held dear since I was 7 years old, was

“Friends are the family you choose”

Always warms my heart, just thinking of my friends.

Care For A Time

Care in that time, that place.
A sweet kindness,
Nice smile,
Helping hand.
Pure care.

No sweeter moment,
No kinder gesture,
That one of acknowledgement, care, help.
A reminder of the world outside.
For when I am lost, to remember.
Remember the moment,
The kindness, the meaning

My endless care for people so kind.
Kindness deserves rewarding.
Deserved help.
I would always stand,
By the darkest time to make sure,
People are by your side.
Always the time.
Always the care.

Care I try to offer,
Always wish to offer more,
For all you have done,
To help, to save me.

Not a mere, care for a time.
Kindness from my best friend.
The care in times of trouble,
Even as we both face difficulty.

We are always there.
Care for a time.
All the while, there is time.
My promise.
To my best friend,
My kindest friend,
The kindest human.
That I would do anything for,
As you’ve done more than I can even conceive, for me.

Thinking of the best person I know, the person I care about most. Who has always been there. Helped me for so long, made me feel happier recently chatting and hanging out.

This person showed me such kindness today that I cannot explain. Am totally indebted and can’t believe the sentiments.

Truly making me feel happy, determined and great about everything despite any worries.

To stay over in England would be worth it to keep hanging out. Let alone anything else.

My best friend knew I’ve been stressed, busy and worried and brought me a massive food care package. Something I wouldn’t even get from my mum but wouldn’t expect from anyone and she did.

Hope she didn’t put too much effort, or cost. I’d feel bad otherwise. But. It is such a nice gesture, touched me to the core of my soul.

Hatred so Alien, Apathy Pure

Hatred so alien, apathy pure.
The feeling inside you,
Not much of one.
A lack.
An empty hatred, filled with apathy.
In sound? A guitar string snapping.
Sight? A car crashing.
A feeling.
A lack of everything.

Thinking and pondering,
Apathy this must be.
Yet no.

Apathy for the mistakes made,
Trust given all a lie I tried to believe.

At being stabbed in the gut,
Left for dead.
A seething pain I will not let rule me.
I was a fool.
I believed.

The rage and apathy,
Calming together.
The rage to avoid mistakes once made.
The apathy to avoid the pain.
Both lessons from a painful time.
Lessons to avoid a painful future.

How two emotions,
Thought to be raging,
Actually are calming,
Realising a mistake.
My fault.
Stupid faults of my past,
My way of thinking.
Of mistaking that all are kind.

To realise a truth always people tell me.

I realise.
And it’s okay.

The rage to avoid mistakes once made.
The apathy to avoid the pain.
Both lessons from a painful time.
Lessons to avoid a painful future.

And with this. A better future opens up for me.
To learn from the past.
To find a better future.

The rage to avoid mistakes once made.
Thw apathy to avoid the pain.
Both lessons from a painful time.
Lessons to avoid a painful future.

I’m not upset, I’m okay actually today was a good day. Just trying to wrap my head around a feeling, One I’ve never really held nor do really understand. Hatred. Or if that is what this feeling is.

I care about everyone, including strangers, everyone is worth decency, care and kindness, just before they’re living beings.

But then there’s this feeling, I may google it after this. Trying to wrap my head around it. A constant, unsubsiding feeling. One that is calming, pushing me to not make the same mistakes again, but always there, looking it up it’s a mix between hatred and apathy. But total. Either way. Really an alien feeling that is so weird. So I write to try and make sense of it.

I guess this poem is a storyesque, because it’s not like I’m feeling angry right now but more a reflection I guess

Actually writing this has been quite cathartic. Has made me feel a bit better. Now I kinda understand.

Finally Living

Finally living,
Content, renewed.
The feeling of pain subsiding.
Everything opening up.

Once the world was closed,
It now lies within grasp.
All that is needed,
Is to reach.

All needed.
Is to live.
To try.
To be content with living.
To cease hurting myself.
to let myself live

Now living,
Like for the forst time,
Forgotten the feeling.

The long dark nightmare now over,
Yet lingers at the back of my mind,
Unable to purge my mind of the memory.
Unable to heal the mind of the painful sting.
All there is to do, forget.
My biggest fear usually,
Here, my biggest saviour.

To forget,
Erase the mind,
Avoid the pain,
Get strogger,
Beat it.

Move on,
To find the life of happiness.
A life to live and not survive.
To find.
Finally have found.
Finally. Living.


Those ever-quick moments,
Bliss, enjoyment and together.
All here.
Where we are,
We matter.
We are.

Such a moment easily passed,
A moment.
A time.
On what has passed,
Made its mark on my soul,
My mind.

A time of reflection,
A time of what has come.
At peace in this sweet moment.
At peace with where it has fallen.
Grateful for the kindest people around me.
For the care shared.

Here I think and I reflect.
Glad for being,
Everything in the making.
Something for reflection.

Writing this reflecting on stuff, went out for an amazing night out with my coursemates, also I spoken recently to lots of friends on FB to catchup and some to meet up and get to know. So all is looking up.

Also met my best friend today for the first time since the xmas holidays.

Those Times

Those times of truth and trust,
Kindness and happiness.
Of value and help.

Oh how these times come.
Those beautiful moments.
The golden shine.

A moment here,

Moment there,

All there. All being there with care

Thinking of those best times. Those moments of care, but being left alone at the end of a night. Not maliciously, but how it happens. Yeah. Thinking. What it’s like to care and many say they like that. But caring for others is one of the most loneliest things.