Being In Moment

Being in the moment,
Living in the time,
Nothing else mattering,
Looking at this vista,
Taking in all the sights that are before me.

As I see the patterns,
The beauty in all the shapes of being.
Out there and I see,
I see and it makes me,
Made by me,
Again acting in turn,
Bringing me to find a way,
Allowing me,
To find my own.

All in this moment,
The sweet song sings.
Nothing to fade this feeling.
I can grasp onto,
Never letting go,
Because I can make it through,
Because I will make it through,
Make it my own.
Bringing forth my light.
Finally can put my demons to rest,
Never gone, but enough to hide them and starve them out of me.

Oh how this time passes.
All the songs singing,
As the times all go,
And I, through them, all the way.


Had the most amazing day, relatively uneventful until messaging on Snapchat. Just amazing, lots of random I significant stuff but apparently not so much, had made me feel so high, enough to erase or push back any hardships for like over a month. Never have I ever been happy like this, let alone for this long, or resilience to anything. To be honest, it’s hard to be confident or resilient if “the truth” is shown contrary, but I’ve been shown another side, one that’s brought, and I’ll bring with it.

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I Feel… Overwhelming

I feel, overwhelming,

Such joy and happy-sadness.
Overwhelming in all being,
Being and living.
Glad in the smallest moments,
Calm, confident sweet and free.
Free, caring and being truly me,
After so long,
Living in a façade,
Hiding because I had to,
Felt I had to.

But yeah,
Being,
Living,
Existing but feeling,
A part of the world,
Caring and being cared about.

A smile to make my heart melt,
Small moments that last forever,
But also feel gone too soon.

Feeling okay,
Okay to show,
To stand tall,
Tall and proud,
Of who I am,
Who I can be,
Can be okay,
Can show who I truly am.

A warmth in life,
One I’ve never known.
So small in those moments,
But those smallest moments…
So beautiful,
Making this world shine bright.

Proud to stand tall,
For all I’ve done and want to do.
Through my art,
To capture and show.
A message of beauty for all to see,
All in wherever you look,
To find the beauty when the eye beholds,
To make, see and find.
To be the holder of your own path.
To forge a way through.
To make it all work out.
No matter the odds.

Just needing to remember the gold,
To keep hold.


The post I made last, was a rough morning but it was all turned around, it was my anxiety, but it was all turned around on that shift at work by a friend I chatted to tonnes, chatted to tonight. Has been the reason for being confident and happiest recently.

Lots of stuff, also tonight I’ve finished binge watching Game of Thrones to this point, very emotional and thinking of my friend. Just happy, emotional, thinking and happy-sad. A happiness with a tinge of sadness, thinking about the future about the past, about very small things. Feeling so very very happy, content. Not everything in life is perfect, but it feels so that it is. Just thinking, just happy. Happy and emotional that it feels slightly overwhelming, very overwhelming.

Even just writing this has made me feel a whole lot better, a world better. I’ve been so good recently, unbelievable, I know the cause, know why, know what started all of this off.

All The Pieces

All the pieces of that sunset,
All those sweetest moments,
Those greatest of times,
All the pieces of a shattered time,
Falling into place,
Not without their moments,
Not without their trials,
But the pieces are fitting into place.

Confidence when it was all but there,
Happiness when living was all a wait,
Meaning when I had no outlet,
Voice after I had none.

The beauty of living in a time,
Being in the moment,
Living with meaning,
Meaning, my own,
Being,
Seeing and trying, with kindness,
Kindness in my heart,
In life and trying.


Life In All It’s Beauty

Beauty in feeling the life running through your veins,
Running through the mind,
My brain bursting and hyper,
With all the feelings culminating,
As it all, I’m trying,
Feeling,
believing and living.

Life with the feeling,
Feeling like I’m finally being.
Everything falling into place,
Worried still present but easier to handle,
To put into their perspective.
Living and being.

Life filling my lungs,
Hard times come by,
But having just to try it through,
To do my best and make it,
To live,
To say.

Oh how it is to stand,
To stand and make by,
To own it,
To be true to the self and genuine in feeling and being.

Making the world brighter,
Making even the darkest times, more beautiful and meaningful.

Short little moments,
Showing true value in being.
Living in the moment,
Happy in the moment.
All to be.


Writing, had a good day, saw a friend whose brightened up my day. Yesterday saw a great show with friends which was amazing and it was good spending the time hanging out. On top of feeling good like recently.

Feeling more confident recently, confident and happy, happy and valued, valued and wanting to do anything to share this feeling with everyone, to do anything to make people I care about to feel better.

I still get anxious, even today, small anxieties, and even not even ten minutes ago feeling very lonely and anxious, but it more easily fades, thinking, remembering a friend, the amazing times we hang out, how amazing they are. Yeah I’m massively sad but whatever, it is what it is, and I can’t apologise for being me anymore. Don’t need to.

Found out I wasn’t selected for that commission, but don’t feel bad, it wasn’t likely as it was to go to one person but it’s fine, I am passionate to continue, to eventually do more and do that project I wanted to anyway.

Probably don’t even want to admit it. But my crush, small nothing times, they’ve given me confidence, peace, and a way to find a way through, for everything.

Hard to explain, it’s not like a dependent thing, but, was like, not seeing kindness I thought it never existed apart from pretending it did without ever seeing it but acknowledging I never saw it. But even for brief times, in the smallest ways, I’ve been shown this kindness, probably really nothing but the small kindness, it shows a true way to look at life, rather than constructing an false pretense to hide the world behind to be able to get by, this has really changed it to see the world, good and bad, to cherish the good, to change the bad, to calm anxieties and to cherish the smallest of moments, to be true, to be genuine.

Lost Again

Lost again,
After a too-short time of living,
Living on borrowed time.
Living a borrowed life,
Of happiness, direction and meaning.

How I tried living,
Tried fighting.

I tried and now I find myself,
Lost again.


Today’s all been a rough day, started with selfconsciousness, then has spiralled into being sad, lost, empty, lost. I haven’t even been able to find or turn my mind to happier thoughts. Just have been ruminating and sad.

Just sad. Just sad. Alone. Isolated. Unsure where to go, who to turn to, what to do. What to think.

Clarity

Clarity found,
Place of being, feeling.
A time reminded, by those kind-hearted occasions.


Clarity, feeling better than earlier, not that I was feeling bad but conflicted. I think I’ve resolved it with the help of messaging a friend about stuff not even related to this. I can still walk clearly, freely, happily while still offering all I am able to help, all to try and help. Nothing more that I want to do in life more than to help those I care about.

Feeling much better, cant believe over the last week or two, I remember what started it all, so small and insignificant, but it’s made all life much easier to cope with, has made me happier in everything, looking forward. It was nothing, just a simple FaceBook message but it’s made it all.

Things are still difficult, many times, but it’s much more hopeful, much easier to bounce back. And most of all, much better to keep my mind on track and to steer it if it drifts off course.

This commission I’m a bit anxious about, not really anxious but wondering. I probably won’t get it as the person I spoke to said they’d most likely offer it to someone who’s more disabled by their health, but it’s worth a go and I’m trying. Just waiting to hear back now. It would give me an amazing project over summer to do.

We’ll see. But I still cherish the thing that’s given me so much life, soul, living, above all else. So much so that it’s probably pathetic. But I’m finally happy.

Conflicted

My mind, how it sways,
How it flows and bends,
Conflicted.
My mind,
Trying to find, work itself out.

Hurting,
Thinking,
My mind uncertain.
Questioning.

Caring,
Questioning.
My mind,
Seeing such hurt,
Wanting to help,
Questions, all plaguing my mind.
My mind, a plague on itself.

Trying,
But my mind it clouds,
It clouds all over.

But the confusion persists.
It continues.


Don’t feel bad, just thinking, just conflicted, seeing a friend open up into such pain and yeah. I don’t know. I want to help. In anyway I can. That’s what I do, the thing that’s the best thing to do, to help, to care, to try. Thinking.

Emotional Rollarcoaster

Today been thinking all day. Last night at a party a person a don’t know well but know said they fancied me, how I make them feel safe and asked why I was so kind. If I was kind to everyone normally, or when do I stop.

They said we were similar, she was so sweet. She opened up so much stuff to me. And I her. Not gonna lie, I’ve never felt so safe chatting to anyone else before. About even some of the darkest of stuff. Also I’m really sad thinking they’ve gone through and are going through some really rough stuff. I just wanna be there to help them whenever they need.

Stuff made sense, this has gotten me really conflicted and confused but really good.

I walked them home with a friend. Just to make them sure they got home safe. So confused. So very confused.

Day From Hell

Today’s been just a day from Hell. First was late to work, after great anxiety last night, I got 2 extra hours of sleep than usual and also had a very interrupted night sleep. Just kept waking up every couple of hours, feeling exhausted all day. Kept overthinking and overthinking.

Everything, first looking at reasons why I was late, why I didn’t sleep well, even after a lot more sleep than usual. Then this turned to trying to feel better, but the more and more it turned to a kinda cannibalisation of any good feelings, getting rid of anything good. Just lots and lots of constant self-deprecation for many hours non-stop.

Eventually it turned okay, when I got a really nice message from a friend unexpectedly, reminded me of how I’ve been feeling amazing recently, but again this was cannibalised when I was thinking, maybe happiness is incompatible with me, as my sleeping has been more off with my mood and been late more often recently which I cannot stand in myself.  Constant sparring between happiness and remembering and self-deprecation.

Then work got stressful to the very end, having to stay extra to do a job I haven’t had the time to do, time-sensitive job that only I can do. Everything wasn’t working, was breaking, and even then another thing would grab my attention for not working. Constant stress towards the end. Stayed extra, despite needing this day (having been the only day) in which I can spend a while working on my photography commission focussing on mental health. Application’s due tomorrow at 5pm. Today and tomorrow were the only days this week I could find time to work on it. Also I have an appointment I had to leave for, so both these things had to be pushed later.

After work and emotional stress and self-deprecation all day, I only feel like sleeping or watching tv to unwind. But I can’t, I have this application to do and then this appointment. I really am just tired. This isn’t even to mention the problem I’m thinking, that even if I get more sleep my body’s just tired, just not even hearing my alarm now, for over 40 minutes my alarm rings before I come to, this makes even going to sleep causing me to become anxious, worried, even contemplating the thought of not going to sleep until the weekend, but this is not a good idea.

I just hope tomorrow is better. Need it to be better. Trying to hold onto the good feeling, feeling amazing in the world, the best feeling I’ve ever felt. Trying so hard to keep hold of it, trying so hard. But worried, trying to be happy is a counterpoint to my own functioning somehow. Am I supposed to choose between being happy in life and living life normally functioning in society. Worst still, I just do not know what is wrong, if I don’t know, then I can’t fix. Even while writing this, I know I should be working on my commission, half an hour less time before my appointment and I’ve not looked at the commission. I just need to stop thinking.

Just need to hold on to the cliff edge, the happiness that is my only grasp on being, hoping, living, happiness. I sure hope this day from Hell passes and tomorrow is much better.

Unfounded

Thinking, been feeling amazing, since like my last post. The longest time of being continuously happy ever in my whole life. Small stressors are out to rest and I know how to cope with the occasional low feelings with photography and focussing on things I want to. Did some academic work, photography and lots of stuff on the commission I’m planning on applying for. So much is going well, so many small things, the smallest of things, but all so fucking amazing.