A blog based after writing the poem You Won’t Break My Soul Apart
As I said in that poem, this is the video for starting this train of thought, in which I shall elaborate, even if only for my own therapeutic reasoning.
I have really been questioning myself, my person and perceptions of reality after someone close to me, someone I cared deeply about, faulted me for being “too optimistic”, “too nice”, seeing the world “rose-tinted”. And said many other nasty things, even if not meant to hurt me. But they did, more than anything anyone else has.
The reasons, I cared about them, what they thought, what they said. They made me question myself, my reality, my perceptions. Made me feel broken, worthless, defective.
I’ve been bullied as a kid, never felt so bad as this, the reason was I never cared what they thought, this person. I did care. So it hurt so bad. For so long.
They say I see the world rose-tinted. No I do not. I see the shit the world has to offer. I choose to see it better, choose to make it better for myself and others. You’ve given up. That is your loss. Not mine. Your fault. Not mine.
They said to help myself till I’m better before I can help others. I agree past a certain point. If I’m crying standing on the train tracks, then yes, I am not in the right state to help others. But waiting till all is fine to help others will have me waiting an eternity and more. On the other hand, helping others helps them and helps me too. So what is wrong in that. I wouldn’t say you are selfish, but it sounds so from what you said.
The world can only be better if we make it so, even bit by bit. A small act of kindness here and there. Makes me better, makes them better and makes the world better. Not by much at all. But the person may have been helped. I remember quite a few people looking really saddened on the street, alone, I asked if they were okay and it seemed to make the world of difference, not much, probably not for long, but still worth it. One bus driver even said he’d drop me home to the nearest stop (my house was 2 minutes walk away so I declined).
You clearly have the wrong idea if you want to wait till things are better, things won’t be better unless you work for them to be.
I see the world as it is, I choose to make it better.
You say I am a “pushover” or weak willed, but no, I am strong-willed when it matters to me like this does. Like helping, like caring, like kindness.
You say you’re jealous I have what you lost. Many people can’t believe I’ve gone through life and still am like this. I have been through hardships, depression, (definitely not a hard life by any stretch of the imagination) but I am like this because I choose to be. You’ve lost what I have, the optimism, because you let it go. The world is bad because you let it be. You can change it, it won’t make the whole world better, but maybe a little, for yourself and maybe someone else.
Many of my friends I have helped, made a world of difference (from what they say) even one who wasn’t really a friend, but a bully in secondary school. They even recently commented on my FB, something random, but good to know they’re still around and looked in and commented. Meant nothing to them, but does to me.
I have been through hardship, I am like this because I won’t let go, won’t leave others in the darkness even if I am drowning in it.
The worst thing is you say I am at fault. No. You are. You say the world broke you down, that is exactly what you tried to do to me, all the whole explicitly saying you didn’t want to do that to me. It nearly worked, but hasn’t. The reason why? I will not let it.
I am no pushover, this is something I believe in, you nor anyone else will take it away from me.