Haven’t blogged in a while, for me, poems and blogs are therapeutic, creation on the stop, when I am doing something an idea for a poem appears and I stop to write it down, before continuing what I was doing.
Still related to my last blog, and the person who made me question everything, I cannot get totally over it. It haunts me. I have hung out with a friend today, and have many times this week, but I still remember the frequent occassiosn they may joke, or may say something (not meaning anything bad- or maybe they do, that’s the problem, I cannot tell) and I hang onto it. I obsess over it: What did they mean? Was it a joke? What indicators show that it was a joke or otherwise? Should I confront them and ask if it was meant or a joke? Would they answer that question truthfully or not? What reason/s would they have to lie regarding that question? These questions and many many more.
These plague my mind each time this occurs, and this usually occurs at least once per ‘time’ seeing a friend. I do not know if I am looking into it too much, if there is something wrong with me, if I have done something wrong, something to upset them. I know I overthink things, but it’s torture and hurts, and it’s tiring just thinking even when doing nothing, makes it hard to concentrate.
Is this normal? It doesn’t seem so. I try to talk to people, they seem to look at me like a kid to be talked down to, somone to avoid when possible. Someone to humour when they want to hang out. I only make things worse after that.
It hurts. It hurts.
Makes me feel empty, and alone inside.
Just existing, a mere but empty existence.
This cannot be normal. What is wrong with me?
The poems I’ve written not long ago, all about lonliness. Friends are hanging out tonight, I have friends, but no one to hang out with. No one available to chat on FB. Nothing, merely myself, and the emptiness. In this stage of emptiness even some important essay work is left to the side, I can’t motivate myself to do it, and the sole motivation I have is to complete it in order to distract myself from my lonliness.
I am lonly right now and do not even know why, I was hanging out with a friend between around 6pm-8pm, I know it’s 11pm now, but it’s not that long ago, especially as I had been alone between 1pm and 6pm doing work without any problem.
Maybe it’s some of the things my friend said, I’m looking into too much, overanalysing. Maybe the two friends I messaged to talk to on FB, who couldn’t talk and had to leave. Maybe it’s the group chat on FB who ignored my question.
I do not know, nor understand many things, everyone seems to exist on an plane of understanding different to my own, where I am looking at a completed jig-saw puzzle, but where they see a image, I see a white blank background. So when that person said I see things differently, misinterpret the world and subsequently moved to insult me, belittle me, make me feel I am worthless. And I believed her for a bit. I find myself falling there again.
A friend helped me over that part. But I hurt her, I ruined it, now I’m there again. Can’t help but think I always deserve this.
Hard to live, when reality is in a constant distortion.