Just a blog, thinking, want to write things out to try and make more sense of them, think about them. May help others, I hope it does or might, but the motivation is to help me think through things myself.
For a long time, a long time, almost a year, at its largest but half a year at its shortest, I’ve been incredibly down, depressed, hating everything, having lost any meaning or motivation. It’s been tough, hurtful. I’ve been hurt, rationally and irrationally, lots of thought whirling in my own head like a hurricane of glass.
Recently going out with friends, freeing myself from stressors and in an effort to be completely frank, freeing myself from hurtful people, horrible people, people I had been warned about for a long while. It has hurt a lot till recently.
Even on those good nights out with friends and the people I care about most, getting to know new people better, talking to others, making new friends. I still do have times of thought or feeling down. Which obviously hurt, but are normal. However it doesn’t dampen the whole night or week anymore.
I have finally had a great turn, not great in terms of objective significance, but subjectively it has changed me, will there be tough times, yes, there will be. But hopefully in writing this, I will remember that there is an end to the sadness and emptiness. It’s about making a choice to focus on the people you love, avoid the people who are ‘toxic’ (a name a friend termed the horrible person I mentioned, I used the label internally to help myelf before, prior to being hurt again by them.)
Now I’ve found an escape, the things I love, the people I care about, the novel experience for the taking, the potential, the places.
There is gold worth to be found. A difficult task. But always worth it.
I guess at the end of this, I would like to dedicate this to all my friends, in real life, but I would also like to mention A Girl in Purple Dockers, who merely asked if I was okay when I wasn’t.
It’s these imagined, but real, communities we all build around ourselves that matters most to me.
This dedication, to all my friends, who make everything better, even if only slightly, people who, are kind, a great distraction from the bad that goes on, interesting, social, diverse and all are individual and perfect, truly perfect. One set of lyrics I like from a song that describes my friends in my own eyes, are “perfect imperfections”. Nobody is perfect, but the ‘imperfections’, differences, variations and diversity are all amazing.
Thank you, to all you great, amazing people, even if none of you will see this.