Just another infrequent blog post for my own therapy. To talk, to explain, to get things out.
To you friend, we have hung out a lot recently, we have laughed, smiled, joked and flirted. But even despite this, there is an undercurrent, a reminder deep down of how you hurt me, scared me.
Scarred me irreparably, I loved you, you threw me away, I cared, you used me.
The closer we get, the more I care, and the more I am scared of how you can rip me apart again.
No matter mine or your feelings, I am haunted by the scars once inflicted.
Scared of the reality coming before me.
I care, more than I can think or explain. Just as I hoped you did before. You didn’t.
You did to me, what I wouldn’t wish upon any person, alive or dead.
It’s hard to explain, in words, in my head, to even try and quantify, but I shall try:
A list of criticism piercing your soul, with critiques of you for being you, the core elements of your being, made to feel worthless, useless, with no meaning or value. A person who’s very ‘positive’ qualities are all unequivocal faults to the highest degree. Worst of all is being left, with nothing. Believing what you heard. Because you trust that person, maybe not with your life. But I clearly did. As I was so close to taking it at this point.
I do not think for a second you meant to do this. I know you have other issues, and I know what you do and did care about me.
But the scars were inflicted. Shouting a person’s faults at them. That cannot help anything