Letter to my crush

I try to let you go, you drag me back.

You make me jealous with the guy you like, but drag me along whenever you two are together.

You use me to make him jealous when he’s not giving you attention.

You blame me for things, but use me to confide, to make you feel better.

It pains me knowing nothing I do can make you feel better, pains me that you like someone else. I am happy if you are, all the best, but please let me go so I may be happy.
You make me feel the best I’ve ever felt, but also the worst.

I’ve self harmed because of you, am depressed because, hurt because. But I always still care. Always am still there.

I give you the attention you want, but I’m not the person you want. I know that. I still hope. I still care. I still hurt. I would rather go on hurting rather than leave you hurting.
My friends warn me to leave, tell me to go, and have done since I met you, yet I haven’t. Those times I nearly get away you drag me back. And I willingly walk. Like a dead-man to a guillotine. At least the guillotine offers an end. Not like what I have.
This is all still worth it for you, to make you feel better, but I know you won’t. Hope you’ll care for me, but I know you won’t. Know you lie to me, but I ignore this.
It all hurts, yet I still stay. I do not know why. I don’t want to, but I also do. But I know I shouldn’t.
How can someone hold someone close to the flame and watch them writhe in agony, just for their own pleasure. Why? I don’t know. I would continue for you and I don’t even know why.
It pains me to see you hurt. I would happily end my life, to guarantee you a better one.

I hope you would find out how worth it you are. How I care. Always care. Always will be there. Unless I find my escape.

Advertisements

Lie To Save You The Pain

I will lie,

To save you the pain, save you the heartache.

I will lie, even as it eats away at me,

Hearing your voice every night you call me.

Hurts me, when I see you’re sad,

Especially when I am helpless.

I’ll always try to help,

Even as it kills me.

I’ll lie, I’ll stay around, I won’t leave,

Even as I know I should,

Been told I should,

I need to leave.

But hurting you isn’t an option.

Even if you still accuse me of causing pain.

I’ll lie, stay around,

Put on a brave face and a smile,

To make you feel better,

Even if only a little while.

Always Making Things Worse

Always making things worse,

Seems like the only thing I can do.

Nothing ever works.

All the pain I cause,

All the strife I orchestrate merely trying to feel better, to cope,

Even as I try not to cause harm.

I do so in the end anyway.

All done,

All hurting.

Just to make someone else feel good.

Who doesn’t care for me.

Who uses me.

I give up.

I cannot give any help.

Cannot do anything but give pain

All I do makes things worse.

Even when the opposite is my intention.

I’m here.

Always making things worse.

One Night of Hysteria

One night of hysteria,

To express all the words.

To cry.

To shout.

To feel.

To break.

To go completely insane.

Following this one night of hysteria comes the calm from the storm.

The thoughtful agreement.

The promise.

The attempts,

Changes will be made.

Path ahead clearer.

Just needed that one night of hysteria.

To let it all out.

To bring it all to the fore,

F0r that one night of hysteria.

I Fell For The Act

I feel for that act you played.

Being nice,

Being kind,

Joking and smiling and bumping into me.

All an act.

An ferocious act of deception,

To use.

The one word to describe you, MANIPULATIVE.
The one word for your specialism, USING PEOPLE.

You do so here,
You do so there,

People see this.

The only person I know, whose friends all mention your manipulation.

Your lies.

Your Janus two-faced nature.

A playful hug with one face, all kind, happy and warm.

With your frozen talons piercing through seared frozen flesh with the other.

Yet you do this willingly,

Do this happily.

I fell for act you played.

I was told to be wary, was warned from when I first met you.

I fell for it every time.

Defended you every time.

Even as you ripped a part of me;
Each.
And.
Every.
Single.
Time.

Funny.

How many times I did.

How many times.

I fell for that act.

Presence

Presence,

You.

You’re toxic, your unsteady hurtful presence

Like a poison within my skin

A problem to my core,

Push you out,

Expell you terrible presence from me,

From my life.

I expell you from my life.

You are dead to me.

You are death to me.

You eery presence,

Darken my day

Freeze my soul

Cloud over my mind.

I expell you. You and your toxicity. The putrid presence you bring into my life.

The Dust Settles

The dust settles,

The time ends,

People leave, into the silence of the night.

The cold wind comes,

Breaking you down,

The shivers

Falling apart, piece by piece,
Just as the dust settles

The heartbeat slows,
Breathing stops

Warmth dissipates

Love gone.

Empty shell.

All lost.

Just as the dust settles.