Addiction

Addicted to the feeling,

The one I must let go,

The way of life,

The control over me,

The pain it causes me,

The being, feeling, living my addiction.

Waiting for the end,

Hoping it will get better,

Even knowing it will need to end,
It will need to stop,
I need to stop.
To escape this addiction.

To escape this feeling.

Need to escape this addiction,

To be able to renew myself

To escape this inadequate living.

Everything surround this addiction,
The feeling,
The waiting,
The thinking,
Ever-so constant and alluring.

Painful and hurting.

The addiction is my escape,
Makes me feel alive,
Makes the world mean something,
Means something to be living in it.

But it causes pain, this addiction.

Hurting and harming all aspects of my life.

But how can I let it go?

If it gives meaning to all other aspects.

How can I let it go, if it harms concurrently with fulfilling.

If it harms while also creating and giving meaning.

This addiction,
My addiction,
It’s as much a part of me as I am.

Disillusionment

Being trapped in my own dillusion,

The feeling,

The pain left inside afterwards.

All my own fault,

For believing in my own lies,

I know this.

I knew this yet carried on regardless.

Living in my own dillusion.

What I hope,

What I feel.

Have to come back,

Back out into reality.

Realise my own fault for my dillusion.

Throughout the lies I tell myself.

The lie I live,

That makes it better,

Hurts less.

But I cannot go on,

Living a lie,

And loving the lie I live,

Have to face the reality.

Have to face up to the truth of it all,

And shed this disillusionment.

Walling Myself Off

Walling myself off,

From the feelings,

From the thoughts.

Emptying myself of all that can be described as living.

To make strong what is weak,

To bolster my feelings

To avoid seeing my sadness

To wall myself away from all I know.

To be someone I’m not, no, not that.

To be nothing, to be no-one

Living in limbo, merely existing.

Within my wall.

Losing all of my humanity,

To save myself from the pain.

I have done this before, it wasn’t worth it.

But this pain is unbearable.

Walling myself off,

To stave off the pain.

I wall myself off.

Inner Whispers

What was that?

Did you hear something?

Those inner whispers,

Tempting, worrying and giving you hatred.

Those inner demons from the depths of the mind.

Clawing their way out of the depths of their craterous grave,

Out of the darkest depths of the untouched mind.

Like a knight pushing all adversity out the way,

The defiance,

The strength,

Resisting those voices,

Those whspers,

Tricking you to fall,

Those inner whispers recede.

Reluctant and angered.

Back to their horrid depths.

I have won for now,

The war, against the inner whispers of my mind.

Guardian

I’ll always be there,

Even if we stop talking,

Will always keep an eye out.

I’ll always catch you when you fall,

Pick you up when down,

Listen when you need to talk

Advise when you need another opinion.

 

No matter who you leave me for,

No matter how much you hurt me,

No matter how much you don’t care.

I will be there.

A guardian,

Always looking out for you,

My little Fox.