Where to go

Don’t want to hurt others,

Don’t want them to see me like this.

They’ve found me and won’t let go of this.

I hurt people, that’s why I hide.

I am alone, even when surrounded by friends.

I don’t take them for granted or don’t want to.

But. I can be different.

I’m not always smiling. Not always happy.

I find that I can’t even use my own safe space to talk, to vent, to share with others’ who’ve been through pain. I feel locked out of my own site. My own outlet out of fear of hurting people.

Stopped talking as much to friends as it hurts them, they also have lives and don’t need me constantly in it.

So I found this. WordPress. With my own WordPress family.

But. Now I’ve lost it.

And back to where I was before. With no outlet. No place to talk, to think, to vent. I felt I had comfort when I was down before, I could come to my blog and express. I don’t now, I can’t now.

This may be my last WordPress poem unless I can’t find a solution.

Can’t find help.

I need an outlet for feelings,

But now I’ve really lost the only one.

And even writing this will hurt people,

I don’t want to hurt people.

Especially those I care about most.

But.

If you’re in a stage where you can’t have an outlet as it hurts others. What is there to do?

I don’t want to hurt you. Already have. Already failed.

But.

I am back to where I was before. Without anywhere to turn to, to explain, to vent.

I know you want to and try to help and help  me so much and I appreciate it totally.

It’s just I don’t know.

And lost the only place where I felt as if I could no. Could express. Could somewhat help myself.

I am here, writing, thinking. Don’t even know if I can post this, if I will post this.

Still remember calling this poetry “cringy”. Poetry can be less than happy, see Wilfred Owen for examples.

I just don’t know.

My site. My outlet. Always seems to hurt others, even when trying not to.

This is rambling. Will stop. Potentially goodbye WordPress.

I never wanted to hurt you. What was never my intention. I tried to avoid it, but I failed.

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Why?

Why do things play out like this?

Why is it the way things have to go?

Why is this life?

How things go,

How things are,

How the die roll,

Just gone,

In the sea of infinity,

The bother and strife.

Endless times I push away,

Endless times I bother.

Endless times I fall,

I fail.

In this sea of why,

The trees stand,

The wind blows,

The cold shivers.

All in disrepair.

World thrown into flux.

Don’t know.

Don’t be,

Don’t know,

Don’t worry,

Don’t be.

The shadows move,

The shadows be.

The small light far off and flickering and waiting to fade.

Cast it off,

Cast it out.

Be it out.

Be it gone.

Be it now.

Let it go.

Don’t want care,

Don’t want worry.

Go and cast off,

Thrown out,

Thrown away

To the sharks

To the depths.

Want out of my mind

To fight off my all.

The fakeness

All those feelings.

All taken and poisoned by words,

The feeling hurts

Can’t see what to do,

Where to go

Why.

That empty road.

Heavy breathing and hurt.

Why

Why the panic

Why afraid

The light fades and the trees wither.

All out and empty left.

Thrown to disarray.

Interest to the being of everything.

Anger, pain and hurt is all to greet me.

Why.

Drunken state of panic,

The destruction I cause.

All there and gone at the same time.

Anger there to comfort,

Also to hurt

The endless walk.

The people,

Nameless faces as I walk..

That long, wide, lonely empty road

Criticised and hurt at every turn.

For being me.

For how I am. No one to turn to.

They don’t understand.

No one does.

They hurt and I do.

Thoughts to and fro and don’t know when they’ll stop.

All thoughts at the same time, with no peace in my mind,

No peace to find.

Afraid to write on my own blog.

In my own safe space.

My own place.

Where I can express, I can be,

I can escape from my mind

Tumultuous Thoughts

The mind,

A misty landscape of turmoil, strife and complete ecstasy.

A landscape to wade through,

A dark river to pan for gold.

The good times, the bad,

All passing, within a state of change,

Constant change,

Unrelenting change.

The storms don’t define us, nor does the gold.

Then what defines us?

A deep question for deep meanings.

Those turbulent moments,

Where rage swirls,

People cry and can’t cope.

Bolster yourself against the storm.

Hold onto hope for what the times will bring next.

You never find gold by giving up the journey.

Never find peace without letting go of your troubles storms.

Find friends, to hold,

On through those tough times,

Who will guide you, help you, keep you on track.

As you would do for them.

That is how collectively we escape the turmulteous times, the turbulent storm.

Hold hope,

Hold friends,

Hold those dear to you.

They hold back.

And we shall walk through these turmultous times.

Your Kindness, Your Care,

Your kindness and care,

You offer, it’s comfort surrounds me,

Compliments the concurrent pain.

I appreciate it, but it still provides pain.

It’s funny, this simultaneous kindness, care and pain.

I love it, I hate it,

But I love you,

In vain, but that’s the fact, that’s the reality.

Seeing you happy, in whatever form that takes,

That means the world to me,

I would do anything to help,

Even if it causes me more pain.

That help you may gain from it,

Would make it worth it.

The pain, kindness and care,

All supplementing one another.

 

I cannot offer much, but kindness, care and love.
But that is me,
No matter how you hate it.
That is me.
No matter how you don’t want it.

I will be around, to offer this kindness and care.

If you ever want, ever need.

This is me,
My Kindness
My Care.

Strung Along

Strung along,

Been given a glimpse,

Yanked away at a moment’s notice,

Pained, hurt, alone.

Being strung along,

An extra piece,

An attachment,

Need to let go,

Need to leave,

To learn from past mistakes,

From the pain.

Been strung along.

A mere afterthought.

The lack of care,

Lack of kindness,

Lack of feeling.

Being strung along.

Notes from a damned soul

Songs remind me of you, waiting till midnight for your potential call, knowing it won’t come tonight as you’re busy with him. But I wait up anyway. In vain.

You keep wanting me to come hang out, do you see it kills me every time? Do you care? Or are you merely using me?

Clawing me back, even as I need to escape. It’s my fault, I could always avoid you, but never do.

How can you not know it kills me.

You saw what it did to me before, the scars, only the ones that show. What is inside is worse. That night you said hurtful things, tore me apart, from the very core, the accusations and faulting of every aspect of mine I hold dear.

You even mentioned knowing how we had to stop talking and understood why. Clearly not, it kills me inside now as before.

How can you not see?

How can you continue my torture.

You continue my torture.

Yet I keep walking into it willingly.

It’s my fault but that doesn’t change the fact it kills me and you watch. You help me do it. Encourage me towards my end to come. My looking forward to nothing but the end, an escape from the pain, from my reality.

How can you do this?

Why?

You saw what it did to me.

Honestly, I regret we started talking again. Some of these times recently have been the best, but also the worst. That’s the hardest thing, saying goodbye to escape from the pain, from the darkness, from my torture. Is also saying goodbye to all the good times, in truth, the lies and disillusionment. But nevertheless they make things I am doing in life feel like they are worth something, mean something, give me enthusiasm for more.

I need to break out.

Need to make a change.

Need to escape you,

Escape my torture one way or another.

But I am left with one question I can’t answer.

Why do you encourage my pain, my torture?

Bringing up the guy, other guys, “hot” guys on tinder. I don’t want you to lie, but at least be truthful, and let me go as I need to.

Let me go as I need to.

Longing By the Window

Longing by the window,

Thoughts racing

Rain streaming,

Gloomy day for a gloomy situation.

Sitting by the window thinking of you,

Waiting for you.

Wondering what you would say,

Waiting and hoping.

Longing yet knowing I need to leave.

Knowing I need to break free.

Knowing I need to find myself,

And free myself from your chains.

Yet until that moment,

I sit here,

Sad and lonely,

Longing by the window for you.