Where to go

Don’t want to hurt others,

Don’t want them to see me like this.

They’ve found me and won’t let go of this.

I hurt people, that’s why I hide.

I am alone, even when surrounded by friends.

I don’t take them for granted or don’t want to.

But. I can be different.

I’m not always smiling. Not always happy.

I find that I can’t even use my own safe space to talk, to vent, to share with others’ who’ve been through pain. I feel locked out of my own site. My own outlet out of fear of hurting people.

Stopped talking as much to friends as it hurts them, they also have lives and don’t need me constantly in it.

So I found this. WordPress. With my own WordPress family.

But. Now I’ve lost it.

And back to where I was before. With no outlet. No place to talk, to think, to vent. I felt I had comfort when I was down before, I could come to my blog and express. I don’t now, I can’t now.

This may be my last WordPress poem unless I can’t find a solution.

Can’t find help.

I need an outlet for feelings,

But now I’ve really lost the only one.

And even writing this will hurt people,

I don’t want to hurt people.

Especially those I care about most.

But.

If you’re in a stage where you can’t have an outlet as it hurts others. What is there to do?

I don’t want to hurt you. Already have. Already failed.

But.

I am back to where I was before. Without anywhere to turn to, to explain, to vent.

I know you want to and try to help and help  me so much and I appreciate it totally.

It’s just I don’t know.

And lost the only place where I felt as if I could no. Could express. Could somewhat help myself.

I am here, writing, thinking. Don’t even know if I can post this, if I will post this.

Still remember calling this poetry “cringy”. Poetry can be less than happy, see Wilfred Owen for examples.

I just don’t know.

My site. My outlet. Always seems to hurt others, even when trying not to.

This is rambling. Will stop. Potentially goodbye WordPress.

I never wanted to hurt you. What was never my intention. I tried to avoid it, but I failed.

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