Moving Past

Moving past the darkness that had consumed me,

Past the pain that once gripped me,

Found an escape,

A reason,

To move on and be,

To be glad with being.

Even if pain comes back.

I’m better at coping.

Better with reasoning,

Better at letting the pain slip,

Through my mind.

To let it go.

To move to past.

To make myself better,

And to move past.

To go forth,

To find a path.

To make my own.

To move on.

To continue being.

To go out,

And move past.

Found Direction

Found this direction, a path to follow,

Uncertainty alleviated, yet not in totality,

But enough to move on,

Grasp the day,

Make it mine.

Make it bright.

Clear a path through the brush,

Light a way through the smoke.

Taken a day at a time,

Turning the day mine.

Forging a home.

Finding a life of my own.

Finding a space to claim,

A stake to place.

Finding the place to claim for my own.

Lost  In A World of Renewal

Lost and alone,

In an ever-changing world,

A world changing around me,

While I stay here, lost and watching in wonder.

Lost and unfeeling,

The gloomy-grey sky,

While all move on and I’m left behind.

All move away and I’m left alone.

The constant fight against the feeling.

Of sadness and lonliness,

Ever-looking for distractions.

Am I the only one?

To look up to that sky,

That gloomy sky,

To wonder my worth.

To wonder what’s left,

To wonder what’s worth.

Before being thrown down to reality.

To face the feeling,

To face the feeling.

Chasing The Demons Away

Chasing those demons away,

The voices and doubts in my own head,

Corrupting what is good and kind,

Hurting those I care for,

Throwing me from awareness and certainty.

Those dark thoughts inside, uncontrollable,

Always there and tempting.

Taking hold, taking control.

I shall defy,

Ignore the calls,

Ignore the doubts and live in total trust.

My friends use my back, they care.

As I totally do for them.

I can overcome.

To chase the demons away.

To You, To Me

Sitting-silently[1]

That late night,

Came over feeling down,

Needing company,

Wanting a friend in the loneliness.

My heart outstretched,

My feelings true and whole.

Wanting to help you, see you,

To give you an ear to take.

You’d never be left alone.

To you, to me.

That kindness, those laughs,

A reminder of the world gone bright.

Defiance to those darkest times.

A promise of compassion and emptathy, to you, to me.

The promise of kindness.

To you, to me.

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That Worst Night

That worst night. My closest friend betrayed me, left me for dead. And I did. Am dead inside, empty.

She could laugh over my corpse for all I care. What’s worse is that I’m alive. Breathing but every breath is too much. I have no will, no willingness. I was betrayed.

I hurt others, they left me to die. I did. I am. I am now alone, with no direction. I thought I was making process then they pulled the knife on me. Plunged it into my heart and soul.

Left me alone, a single piece. Totally alone. When I need my closest friends and they do this? They killed me. I live alone, in emptiness. They racked and wrecked my body and soul. Ripped apart all that could be found.

Wrecked me apart. Threw me down. Left me with nothing, but a physical existence of pain and emptiness.

They left me.

Alone to walk in the dark.

Broken, alone and afraid. A time that cannot be fixed. Nothing to do.

I have repressed it and cannot get it back. My closest friend, why did you do this? Rip everything from me? Give me an existence I don’t want, an existence not worth living. A pain everlasting. A death not final. A prolonged pain, excruciating agony.

Where the knife and my blood is all I see, my only friend. The only one who can comfort me as the blood drips down my heart and it’s perfect red glow.

The one I long for.

The vibrant red.

Clouds my face and my eyes.

Left alone and in pain.

Seeing a death of a friend, while I still live. In agony. Missing what once was, the friendship once there. The friend who I thought there.

The one who killed and betrayed me.

The blood on my hands, red, running down and never enough.

Sadness eternal as all is lost before my eyes. I was left alone to the pain.

The pain of prometheus, to be in eternal pain. To have my guts pecked out every day in agony and screaming. Only to be healed in pain every night, for it to start once again in the morning. That was that night. My worst night.

Waking up in pain as before, what’s worse is that it carries on. The betrayal. I cannot trust, not anymore. Don’t know how to do anything when everything is too much effort. All my plans dashed before my eyes. All made meaningless. Wishing for a death I cannot bring. Looking for a way, any way out.

As I have been betrayed by those closest to me, with no one left. All the care dried up. They killed me. Left me empty. Thrown my corpse off of a cliff to an endless falling onto the jagged rocks below.

I can’t find a fix. What happened happened. What’s worse is that I survived it. But not really. I have survived none of it. I am existing an existence not worth living. In pain, alone. Killed by the very people who I thought cared.

Do you not know what you did? Have done?

Do you not see how you killed me?

Worse than death, is living, while dead.

Taken from me by those dearest, those whom I thought I could trust, those who I thought cared. And kind of still do, but then I need to remind myself of the scene. Of them plunging the knife into my neck. Opening me up. Leaving me there alone, empty, bleeding, wishing for the end. On that long lonely path.

I have lost those dear to me, but worse is that I found out they were not. They lied. They betrayed me. Plunged the knife into my skin. As I smiled and cried. Tried to ignore the happy looks of my killer. Unintentional, but still the actuality. As I was left to walk alone down the lonely road, limping my pain, alone, broken and alone, wrecked and alone. With no one to talk to, as my closest friends were the culprit, the cause. Even if they do not mean to be.

I’ve stopped living, am merely existing. After the worst night of my life.

All taken from me,

My closest friends,

Left alone,

Can’t be bothered for any future.

Only wishing for death.

I will plan, find the easiest solution I can. To fix what should have been before this happened, before this lowest of the lows. That has occurred. Made easier by having no one to talk to. Totally alone. How easier to find the end, when there is no one to talk to.

Just the rational planning, the calculating. My pledge.

I have lost all who I held so dearly. Before my very eyes.

There is nothing left.

Nothing left but the plan.

The end.

The thinking.

The solitude.

The eternal loneliness.

The realisation I am alone as my friends plunged the knife.

The realisation I have no escape from this promethean punishment.

This pain.

My end.
To everyone who reads this, please don’t comment. I need this post. Need space from it. Please don’t comment on this post. If anyone reads it.

Heart Broken Into Every Piece

Heart broken into every piece,

All true friends,

All gone.

All their lies placed before me,

A mosaic of perpetual agony.

The total trust I felt, I shared.

Gone in an instant.

Their selfishness is what I must remember.

The pain they felt, that I caused.

How they left me to walk home.

That long lonely road, wishing for death at every turn.

I found it.

Losing my closest friend.

For numbing my mind, concentrating that pain.

Being dead inside.

Mind wiped clean.

To avoid that pain.

Alone more than ever.

My sister dead before my eyes,

And with her my soul, happiness and mind.

Worse than death, feel alone totally.

Losing someone dear to me.

My closest friend.

That dearest person.

Taken from me by their lies,

Their betrayal.

They left me alone when I needed help,

Needed to talk, needed to explain.

Too late. Now I’ve repressed it all,

To a point that I cannot retrieve.

Lost the will to live.

Lost the ability.

Lost the capability.

Left totally alone.

By those whom I thought cared.

Given that breaking point.

That worst day, by those who I thought cared about me.

The betrayal.

Left for dead. And truly dead inside.

Betrayed At Every Turn

All my closest friends,

A betrayal, a knife straight to my heart.

Killing me inside in every way.

Left alone and wishing it.

To be left alone and avoid betrayal,

To avoid the hurt pain and suffering.

The knife to the throat at best, the tortured existence and the thrown aside.

Killing me from the inside.

A trusting and kind friend.

All broken the thrown from my heart.

Wishing for death.

Wishing for an end.

Wishing to be spared, of having all dear ripped apart before my eyes.

To be thrown open and chucked to oblivion,

Worse to see the pain caused.

The corrupting plan.

The pained existence of all once hopes for.

All gone in a flash before my eyes. To be roped from the neck, and strung up by those held dear.

To watch the drop and hope for death.

To hope for the end. To have all ripped apart before your eyes.
The plans, hopes and friendships, turned to dust.

Turned to nought and ruin before your being.

Ripped apart.

Wishing the same for yourself.

To be ripped apart, corrupted.

All plans fading into the dust.

All taken away before your very eyes.

The hopes all dashed and destroyed.

The ripping into my flesh,

My bodily prison,

My soul and heart. From those whom I thought cared.

Left with nothing.

An emptiness, waiting, and hoping.

For death. For an end.