Complexities of Memory

Those complexities of memories,

Those pills taken?

Real or imagined.

Wished but are they real,

A memory implanted by a dream,

A wish wanted true,

But questioning if so,

Did that happen?

I guess not.

I’m certain not.

But hope somehow,

Deep down, it is true.

That the will leave me.

Escape me.

As my life drains away,

Into the deep sleep I dream of,

Where the pain will stop,

The torture will stop.

Living will stop.

That false memory of pills.

Oh I wish you truth,

For what I cannot do.

All I can do is live,

All I can do is dream,

All I can do is hope.

Live with the complexities of memory,

Of if those pills taken, were they true? Or merely a wish?

Where a wish may become a memory, or a hope.

For those pills taken. My life too.

Can’t Cope With Being

Can’t cope with being,

With feeling,

With me being me,

Feeling unhinged.

Feeling alone, empty and displaced from reality.

Displaced from me.

Displaced in being, hurt, tortured.

Tortured by my very being.

My hurting, my living,

My care but all alone.

My existence hurts.

Coping non-existent.

Waiting to end.

Losing hope.

Can’t cope.

Can’t cope with being.

Killing Me Inside

Killing me inside,

Emptying out my heart.

To rid the pain.

Wrenching out my soul,

One piece at a time.

Till empty inside.

Unfeeling and alone.

Alone and content.

Not content, but empty.

The wretched feelings gone.

One by one.

To feel nothing,

To never feel,

To empty my heart and mind.

Become a shell of my former self.

To cry until nothing hurts.

To lack care, so nothing hurts.

To kill myself inside.

So nothing can do if for me.

To wreck myself unrecoverably.

To kill myself inside,

Empty out my heart till nothing is left.

Till no feeling remains.

Darkness Take Me

Into the darkness,

My only care,

To escape my torment,

My mind.

Into this darkness,

Absorbing all,

Consuming my essence,

My being,

My strength.

Leaving me with nothing but pain.

Waiting for it to take me away.

To snuff out my life.

In its dark embrace.

The essence of emptiness.

The darkness of being.

The unsaid words.

Alone in my mind.

Afraid in being.

Of living with nothing.

In hurting with kindness.

Of emptiness in darkness,

When the lights go out.

Emptiness in living.

Living in darkness.

Darkness, come take me.

The Feeling Returns

The feeling returns.

Empty.

Alone.

Afraid.

Of being,

Existing,

The lack of meaning,

And the end,

The highs and the lows.

None ever change.

The feeling of emptiness,

That rattles my brain,

Leaves me with nothing.

Empty, alone and afraid.

Inside my mind.

A prison of my brain.

The chasm separating my fate,

From my hopes, dreams and aspirations.

All left when the feeling returns.

Inside my mind,

Only I can hear,

The screams, wails and cries.

Of the tortured soul that lies inside.

The gone person.

The empty soul.

The wrecked person. 

Unfixable,

Unwanted by the world.

All use turned to nought.

Left with lack of feeling.

Of what I do,

Empty, alone and afraid.

The tortured, tormented mind.

The prison for what may be.

Leaving me with nothing.

Just waiting for what may be.

Leaving me with no option, but to hope.

To pray.

For what I cannot do.

What I cannot do, but don’t know why.

Left alone with the torment of my thoughts.

The emptiness of feeling,

The thoughts running dry.

Happiness drying up.

Left with nothing left but torment.

Inside this prison of mine,

My mind,

Left tortured, alone, afraid, empty and left to drift off into oblivion.

This feeling always returns,

And I do not know why.

Left here wrecked, with my heart in hand,

The mind the killer,

Left here to drift off into oblivion, as those feelings return.