Been worrying all day today, all day yesterday when not hanging out with my closest friend.
I’m stepping to the crossroads, total uncertainty and now a lot of time to comprehend the step into darkness. With nothing for certain and feeling alone. Totally alone. No matter what friends or family say to me.
Alcohol is a distraction, not a good one, I still see my procrastination, but feel paralysed by uncertainty, loneliness and fear. I focus on doing small tasks like washing just to feel calm or sane. Can’t wait to get back to work, to distract myself. I can’t do both.
My laptop not working is also stressing me out as I can’t get to job searching or applications and feel paralysed by mood and actuality alike.
Always panicking, not able to cope, always looking for distraction. I knew I would hate this degree. For giving me uncertainty and time to worry about that uncertainty. Something I couldn’t afford to before my last assessment.
Now I’m left drifting alone, in the sea of uncertainty. Fearful, alone and afraid.