A Future; Happy, Yet Always Sad.

Contemplating a future, not yet arrived.

The loss, the moving on.
With nothing but memories to hold on to,
Contemplating, ruminating, what will become.

A time when I am finally happy,
After so long of being lost.

I have found.
Yet lost.
Yet know what has been found.

Can finally truly be happy,
Yet always with a tinge of sadness,
Of what past,
What lost,
How different.

Sadness, bringing happiness.
A dichotomy of life,
What is to come.

I accept this.
This possible outcome, as I must.
But will fight it, for what I think can be good.

In the end, I will have found happiness, through the simplest moments.
And even in the slight sadness, it will be ever-happy,
With what it is,
What it was,
What it represents.

Am I deluded?
Perhaps.

The only devastation that can come of this,
Forgetting this true lesson.
Forgetting the memories that slip away,
Despite all my efforts to grasp.

This future, approaching me.

One of many potentialities.

Yet as it seems.

I have finally find solace, contentment.
To be happy, yet always sad…

For what had come.
What had passed.

Giving Your All

Giving your all,

Waiting on a whim.

Happy and content,
Slight worries flitting by,
Apprehension and confusion,
Happiness at the forefront,
Thinking and wondering.

Here I sit.
Trying what I can.
Maybe not much?
But it’s what I have,
What I have to try for,

The place with which I stand,
In the middle of the many paths.

Giving my all,
My mind, hopes and wants,
The essence of life,
The attempts, giving and place.

Here I sit.

Having given my all.

Given my best.

Tried hard.

To be a good person,
To be a kind person,
To be truthful.
To show who I am,
To ask, to be,
After giving my all.

This Blissful State

The blissful path,
Open rays of light, touching my face,
The warmth of the summer sun,
The gentle breeze,
The silence and the sound.

The blissful path I walk,
The ‘real’ behind reality.
The simplicity of bliss,

Surrounding my every move,
In my moment,
Walking the blissful path.

Feeling content,
Building this path,
From the kindness and care of reality.
The warm sunlight,
Breaking through the clouds,
Bringing life to all.

The lush green leaves,
Outstretched in their relaxed glory,
Animals wandering,
The blissful state…
This blissful state.

Blissful simplicity,
Small happenings,
Dyed with golden shine,
Embued with happy feeling.

Time’s onward march,
Embracing the path,
My blissful path,
My blissful state I make myself.

Through this blissful state.

Panic

My story and fear,

Confusion surrounding,

Worry all about,

My blood runs cold,

Heartbeat irregular.

Mind dropping.

Stomach turning

My pain returns,

The old friend,

Familiar face I once knew.

Always reliable,

Never wanted.

Heart beating out of my chest,

Mind racing,

Cigarette craving.

The desire for escape.

Unstopping, jerky and in pain.

My stomach, a dark pit.

I fall into the depths of my mind.

Darkness all-consuming,

Pain surrounding.

Strength weakened.

The panic floods back to me.

I am left here in darkness.

Awoken from a dream into a nightmare.

My panic returns. After a long absence.

I… I… I can’t take it.

Shining Out

Shining out,

Breaking out and into life,

The happy times,

The meaningful memories,

Silly, laughing and loving.

Amazing experiences of being.

Shining out past my limited perspectives

Breaking out into the bright and open world.

The time, in warmth, the smiling sun.

Bright and radiant.

A time for living.

Making the most.

Feeling, and helping.

Caring and solidarity and value.

Shining out. Past my demons and my shadows, into the world and being triumphant.

Delusion

The delusion, the path to take.

What words to say? If to say?

What I think and feel.

Is this a delusion?

Within my mind or without?

The question plaguing my mind.

The questions out loud,

Implicit thoughts unresolved.

Unable to say the feeling,

Left within a void,

Left outside my being.

My mind a prison,

Confines and limited.

The mind blocked from the feeling,

The understanding.

Unable to forge a new path.

With tools lacking

Mind’s Questions

The mind’s questions,

I rattle and wreck my mind,

Looking for a hint, an answer,

Painful the question burns.

Better the feeling than the lack of,

Better now than the pain,

Yet it still comes,

Better, nicer and upward looking?

Able to express and think,

Think and question,

Question debate and have fun.

Those small moments talking.

The questions of my mind,

Arise in the mist of uncertainty,

My mind a haze uncleared.

All I know erased.

Clinging on to all I know,

To find that I do not.

Questioning what is.

When it’s found out not.

My mind’s questions,

A hazy background.

Unclear and sometimes hurtful.

Wondering the pain,

Searching through uncertainty.

But yet.

My mind is still filled with questions.

The questions linger there.

In the haze. The most. The uncertainty.

Of my mind.

Rush

That rush,

The rush of your mind,

Mind racing with thoughts,

Feeling fast and intense

Nonending and strange… but nice.

Waiting to see,

Waiting and loving life,

Living and finding fulfilment in work,

Everything working out,

Sharing your mind and hearing another.

Another day in the life of this rush.

This ever-rushing flow of ideas,

A million thoughts an hour, propelling me before I even realise.

It’s funny…

These crazy rushed thoughts,

Making me feel ecstatic and unusual,

Funny, giddy and spinning.

This rush…

What a feeling!

Confliction

Confliction, confusion.

The world made bright.

Fearful of the end,

Broken, yet simultaneously saved.

Mixture of feeling, confused.
Happy and also sad,
Missing something.
My ability to comprehend.

My ecstatic excitement filled,
While also fearful worry lingers,

My bipolar shifts from happiness, to worry, to sadness, to happiness.
All offering painful confusion.

Shaken to the core,
Worried yet also happy.

Sad to the confliction of my predicament.
Sad to my required bipolar world.

The place that confines me.

The feelings that control, use, abuse and break me.

Tearing my mind apart.

The confliction;
I am happy.
I am sad.
I am worried.
I am excited, enthusiastic, embarrassed and apprehensive.

A plethora of feeling
Opposites, simultanously felt.
My feelings wrapping themselves around me,
Holding me tightly,
Constricting,

Ripping me apart.

Leaving me confused.

Leaving me with conflict.

Emotions. A roller-coaster.
An ever-moving shift.
Hurtful, yet happy.
Sad, yet also happy.

The feelings I cannot explain,
The emotions I cannot control.

My life controlled without my understanding.

The confliction, my emotions, thoughts and feelings.

I am happy.
I am sad.
I am in conflict.
I am… Me.

Pleasant Surprise

Pleasant surprise,

Nice intervention,

A world from anew,

A place not seen before.

The crazy, excited, ecstatic feeling.

The kindness and intelligence.

A world shown.

Thrown from my own,

Complete surprise.

Through this contentment.

A crazy revelation,

Crazy existence.

My place.

The crazy feeling.

Ecstatic and total. Crazy and looms