Oh I Wish I Could Say

Oh I wish I could say.
How I feel,
How I did feel,
How I do feel.
It hurt you the last time.
Crushed me before.

I’ve tried forgetting, tried burying and tried ignoring or distracting too.
Always leading.

Confusing feeling,
At peace when with you,
Not knowing what to say, when, how.
Even worse,
Knowing the pain I could cause.
Easier to live with this pain and hurt,
Knowing you’ve spared another.

Maybe I should forget it.
Disappear without trace.
I’m addicted,
To your smile,
Your laugh,
Your beauty and kindness.

So much my thoughts,
My feelings hurt me.
Hurt that I have them after so long trying to crush them.
I have stopped trying to crush what I cannot.

Oh I wish I could say,
Would you hear me?
Would you hate me,
Like in the past.

I know.

Better and stronger as I am.
My feelings,
My weakness and strength.

Oh I wish I could say,
How I feel.
Either way, if I don’t.
I’ll be gone without a trace.

Oh I wish I could say.

I think I’m okay, recently despite sad poems sometimes I have felt better than I have in honestly I would say years, if not my whole life. But because I’m better than I have been before doesn’t mean all is calm, good or easy. So I think to try to wrap my head around and try to resolve. This only brings me down further, my constant overthinking.

But I honestly am okay,

I write what I feel in the moment, even if very fleeting, I write what I am thinking if I’m not even feeling it. I write to clear things up, to put out a word of my confusion even if I am very happy.

I write to capture a finite moment of thought

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