A goodbye I am reluctant to say.
A goodbye, I knew may come,
But never wanted to,
Always put off.
The pain of letting go,
Someone you care about,
Someone whose happiness makes you’re day all that better.
Someone to talk with,
And smile with.
But what if it’s all based on a lie?
A lie I tell,
To put aside the pain,
For a time.
I never want to hurt you.
That’s the last thing I want.
Maybe I should have said goodbye sooner,
The goodbye I am reluctant to say.
To spare you pain.
Or maybe you will feel none,
I surely hope you don’t.
No matter what I end up feeling.
A care, once given,
But only can be from afar.
I care, always do, no matter what I show,
But hating, is the best way to shield from the pain.
The pain of caring.
I feel clear,
Yet also conflicted,
Thinking back the night,
The times all these years,
Remembering all the smallest details,
Just thinking of you.
I must say goodbye,
One I am reluctant to say.
Have always been reluctant to say.
They hurt me so.
While you don’t feel the same.
But please leave me to heal,
Let me leave.
Let me live.
This is heartbreaking to say,
And as I type, reluctant.
Thinking of the memories,
But the feelings slowly erasing.
I only feel sad.
Sad for my loss.
Loss of a friend,
Loss of a person I care about.
But as you’ve said.
Sometimes you have to let go,
To move on and be better.
That is what I have to do.
I’ve known for a while.
I have been better than before,
But the feelings won’t fade,
While I’m still around you.
I’ve known that since the start.
You’ll never know how much I cared,
How much I care.
I cannot explain with language.
But no matter,
I must go.
A goodbye, I am ever-so reluctant to say.
That committing the words is difficult.
Never wanting this poem to end.
Never wanting this goodbye to be said.
But seeing no other option.
All my closest friends telling me to get out.
Caring as though they are,
They don’t understand.
The main reason,
For this goodbye I am reluctant to say.
For you to be better,
To be unburdened by pain,
Pain that will come,
Sooner or later.
From my caring heart,
Too big for a single person to hold, but I do.
To have the best.
Be the best.
And I fear deeply, that this means goodbye.
The goodbye. I am most reluctant to say.
Writing, with thanks to a few close friends, helping me to see what I should have. Helping me out when I needed it.
I had an amazing night with rough parts, sorry to say goodbye. Sorry for that. I always give my best and forget to make myself okay, always putting another first. For if you care about someone, that’s what you do, for a time. But this is totally like that. It is good most of the times, amazing even, but others, it breaks me apart. Even if these feelings are almost all good, I’m sick of lies, sick of trying to convince myself of hope or a lie I do not truly believe but want to.
My favourite quote ever, made by myself, before, thinking of the same person, paraphrasing, it goes like “I would face my demons, just so I could help you face yours”. This holds true. This holds true. But I have come to realise, with this one-way feeling, that I cannot face my demons, without saying goodbye to you, but I’ll always be hoping you face yours and win. Hoping you succeed. Will always be a call away in your time of darkest need. As, I always care, I always will.
Thinking of the singing tonight, the small things you said, how you do not care like I do. That’s fine. But I must get out.
I have deleted the poems written tonight in pain,
Instead to write true from my heart and mind.
Only sad to see it end,
Sad to see it end on this note.
Only hoping for your best.
I can write for hours and not say what I truly feel, what I truly want to say.
But I try.
I have been better recently, so much so, even if my poetry tonight and recently do not show. But, this is why I know I do need to leave. Do need to say goodbye. To avoid a dark place. As I come to realise, you do not care about me like I do you. I don’t have any blame to give. But I need to, find space to live.
I have a christmas present I still want to give, a small something, not about me, or us, but you. Something I hope you’d let me. But I guess that’s to be seen, or not.
Wishing you, the very best, something I know you can and will succeed.
I’m only saddened by the times, to be lost, past and future.
Saddened that I cannot be there to witness, your success.
Even after publishing I do not know if I really want to say this.
But you deserve the truth.
I hope to ever bone not to cause you any pain.
I’d rather anything and everything else.
But in the end,
I guess this is what makes this,
A goodbye I am so reluctant to say.
Written. Night of the 7th December. Leaving to publish later. To see if I can carry on without the saddest goodbye. I do not want to say.
Published, night of the 10th December, a record of how I felt. With recent happenings, chats, amazing times making it all complicated. But also amazing.