A realisation I should have seen before. Of caring for someone who totally doesn’t.
Many times chatting, I could count the number of times they asked how I was, or about my day on my hand over meeting everyday for 2-3 months. I wondered this myself, but lied to convince myself of a person being kind or busy. The truth they lacking any care.
Also to a birthday a year ago, lots of accusations, hurtful words for many other friends, again, lacking understanding of other people’s agency, their ability to ‘live’ for their own. Another sign.
I remember a long time ago, when we first met, I did see some kindness for other humans, something I held on to, and convinced myself I continued to see, even when it’s been long dead.
The only time recently, that I was asked about, was with the little bird, and even that was ‘I hope she’s okay’, and saying it may not make it (I’m not naieve that I didn’t realise).
Throughout there was quite a lot of criticism and playing people off one another. The latter just realising this second thinking. Just stunned, the memories flooding back, all, totally manipulated, abusive? tricked and used.
My fault, the total lie. Believing someone’s lie, of kindness being in a person when it’s totally absent. So much that, I can’t remember a moment of true kindness from them. One where there wasn’t their own agenda, their own gain.
Pulling me back, when you were lonely and needed a friend, one I always tried to be kind. Until you were better, and my use ‘expended’.
Pulling me back, knowing the pain it caused me, knowing I couldn’t. In your mind. Only 2 things. My use and if you had need for me. Otherwise all others were regardless.
I am glad this happened. The sole reason, to realise, that there are bad people out there, who shouldn’t be trusted, everything touched turned rotten. Someone who uses every moment for their own gain, not even thinking of anyone else?
At least I know, can escape and focus on people who care about others.
People who care for others will receive care the same. Those who don’t will only ever end up broken and hurt, because they do the same.
The only thing I’m sad about, well two things. My friends were right all along and I didn’t take their word, I fell into this mistake right again. The second, still confuses me, how I managed to lie, a kind person into existence when there was none. How did I see? Kindness when there were only lies?
At least I’m out. Never to look back.