Old Friends

Two old friends,
Meeting, just like those old times.
Old times long into the past,
Time gone by.

So much has changed,
So have I.
So many things still also the same.

Just two old friends,
Hanging out,
Driving in the wind.
Times like those gone by.

A long time coming,
A long time has passed,
Yet meeting, all just the same.

Just you and me.
A long time waiting,
Those memories kept,
Those times gone and not.

To a new meeting,
Of people new and old.
So much has changed.
So much still the same.

No matter all the changes,
The world, you, I.
Just a meet-up,
You and I.
Two.
Old friends.


Thinking. An unusual poem, not one that has just come to me, because I am actually quite content without any particular feelings. Trying to ‘make a poem’. Saw an old friend. This is a place to start.

End of a Goodbye

End of a goodbye,
A memory of tears,
Seeing you go,
Out that door, reluctant.
The moment crystallised in memory.
Memory of a goodbye.

The mistake I never said.
A goodbye thought to be final.

And comes the end.
The end of the goodbye.
A time to meet,
Unexpected,
Bringing about total, pure happiness.

To know I may see you again real soon,
Something to look forward to.
To think of,
Hope for.

Against all odds.
This,
The end of a goodbye.
A time to meet.
Not expected,
Bringing total excitement and hope.

The memory crystallised in memory,
Our goodbye,
The sight of you leaving.
The tears in your eyes.
The end of our moment.

Here to the now.
The end of the goodbye.


Written, thinking of the goodbye, and how we’re hopefully meeting up again, a good friend, one who helped me through so much, before and now, every moment with them the casual ones cooking, having breakfast, making tea, discussing international relations and even one night drinking and ending up in their bed, nothing much but, it was bliss. They were, are, kind, pretty and amazing.

The poem I wrote, to our goodbye were:

Unexpected Moments

That True Feeling

How I talk of the feeling, the unexpected moment, the simple ‘hello’ out of nowhere. Something, sometime, someone I will never forget.

To My Friends

To all friend’s,
What you’ve done,
For me in the dark.

Sitting with me cross-legged,
Looking at me,
Helping me up,
Looking after what I cannot understand.

The angels helping me.
The truest of friends,
Helping along the path.
Solidarity in a collective stance.
My life-debt for the kindness shown.
Kindness not asked for,
Not yours you had to give,
But yours you gave to help.

You shone the light ahead,
When I had given up looking,
You pushed me along, even as I gave up.

Continuing on,
All from your help.
Able to push myself on,
Thanks to a kindness once given,
Once shown.

The purest of kindness.
To me, my friends.
From me,
The debt I’m always happy to owe.
Always happy to give.
To my friends.

The best people I know.
The people who,
Always have a place in my heart and mind.

To my friends.


Lots of things reminded me of her tonight. Talking of personal stuff, times hurt. Thinking felt and confused.

Always putting the blame on me, always have, even to the last goodbye before the one said recently. Always a read to bring me to tears, tearing me apart. But a good thing in this context. Seeing how I was treated, how I was to them. How I was a fool to believe that they were good.

A dark past, a hurtful time of lies,

Something I can get past, with dear friends, those whom we may never speak, but when we do. Oh when we do. Total bliss, like we hadn’t spent a day apart.

I don’t mean this as a sad poem, it’s happy even if the cause was sad. Sometimes you need to see true sadness to get out, to truly value what you have and who have been there for you as you’ve been broken.

This is dedicated to my best friends in this world, whom I would give my life for, the best people I have ever gotten to know. For you Ruby, Lana and Kayleigh.

This person. I do not know if they intended to hurt me. But from all I can tell, they either chose not to see what was obvious, or did it intentionally. I’ve stopped hurting myself for what was done to me, for caring when I was hurt and accused for merely this. I will not hide myself or my poetry or my life because of hurtful people.

I’m entitled to live, without caring for another more, especially as they’ve crushed me.

Thanks to my friends for showing me this, all along even if I didn’t, couldn’t, failed to see. I did at a time before I gave in again. It won’t happen again, I promise you.

Killing Feelings Unwanted

Feelings, thrown and killed on the side.
Once held weight,
Now a lifeless husk.

My feelings, lying lifeless on the side.
Old, withered and left out in the cold.
A time it’s expired.
My own process;
Cutting off the hand, to save the arm.
Cutting out the feelings, to save the self.

The deep carving,
Reaching in,
To pull out every tendril,
Every weed that has infested its way into my soul,
Festered away at my insides,
Corrupting all to the touch.

My realisation,
The need,
The time has finally come,
Long overdue.
To reach in,
Pull out.
To kill and leave out.
My feelings.
To let them starve,
Out in the cold wastelands.

To move ahead,
Unburdened,
Unhurt.
A choice I’ve made,
Given no choice,
Hurtful demons clouding and clawing my mind.
Hurtful people tearing all that is left.
Until.
All that is left to do,
Take out the feeling,
Leave and move on,
Recover.

To escape the cancerous grip.
To survive in my own world,
My mind, without their hurt to be my sea of existence.

All.
Through killing unwanted feelings.


Writing this thinking, had a conversation with a new friend on MoodTrack. Thinking of how I want to live my life, without continual pain, how someone can hurt, knowingly and yet continue just so they can benefit themselves.

Such an unusual concept, how can anyone do it to another?
With good friends beside me and an unwillingness to put uo with horrible people I’ll move on and kill all the feelings for all those who do not deserve any attention. I care about everyone, unfortunately, and will not anymore for those who cause nothing but pain, especially if it’s intentional hurtful pain.

Thinking back to before, deep in depression, and even into summer when it got better, it took a long time, and I don’t think I would have if it wasn’t for a totally random act of kindness from a then-stranger. The feeling even when meeting them, as it had been for months when I had gotten ‘better’ was of total unfeeling. Even thinking about feelings like their were alien to me, not even emotions-feeling. But every feeling, every mental occurence within my head that wasn’t “this is the next task on your list to do next today” and all was done totally without motivation.

She, maybe she really doesn’t see the pain caused, or the lies or how a moment she said really hurt her, one moment, she made me live again and again. When one can see pain done to them, and do the same to others willingly, knowingly. Well. Enough’s enough. No matter what. At least I’ve realised, there are some people out there not worth caring about.

Over summer, now, people are always bewildered to hear me say I don’t hate anyone, not from my past, bullies, I don’t care about, other grudges I’ve let go as it’s no use holding onto. This, is someone I hate. Someone I will remember that fact. Because sometimes you need a reminder of bad people. Often dressed up as good and kind ones.

Spent most of all the 21st thinking of this, at least passively while reading.

It’s time, this is enough. I’m sick of hurtful people tricking me. I have a terrible habit of believing the best in people when it’s not there. So far in my life, only one person I’ve had to just accept this is the case. I hope this happens few and far between.

Poem may be dark, I’m not sad as such, been mixed while writing this, but mostly, sad at what it’s come to, sad at how I’ve been hurt, angry at how people can cause pain. But content, I have tried all I can. Now I have to do what I’ve been encouraged to all along, what I’ve known I have to do, what I’ve wanted but also not wanted to do. Cut out the hurt, unneeded causes. Let go of all care, as it was never given anyway. Let go and erase from my mind. Only then can I fix what’s been done and go on happy.

Pain of Memory

Pain of memory,
A place once knew,
Remembering,
Holding on,
A tremendous pain.

Away from the bliss of letting go,
Drift out of memory.
A chain wrapped around my ankle,
Wrapped around my neck.
Dragging me under.

I wish to forget,
The many moments gone bad.
I wish to relieve all of the pain away.

To forget, to heal without scarring.
Waking up anew, renewed, completely new.
While remembrance, a knife in my side,
The pain a reminder,
My mind a reminder.

Walking this Earth with the memory intact.
A painful reminder,
Painful record,
Of all life’s pains.
A narrative start-end of all gone wrong,
Of all lost,
Of all said,
Waiting and wishing.
For the memory to clear.
For the memory to end.

To wake up clear,
To find the end,
To move on anew.

Without.
The pain of memory.


A poem inspired by the words in this scene, the occurrences immediately before and after. These resonated with me, memory, empathising with the characters.

It may seem like a sad poem, I’m actually quite content, it’s a sad topic, one I emphasise with, I remember a lot, always has been a bad thing. I remember things people easily forget, the words said on a drunken night out, not meant, or meant, later forgotten. The person who forgets, is blessed with an ability to heal without even scars, those who remember, cannot heal or do with the most painful of scars even if they can.

This scene resonated with me for a number of reasons, but I am good.

Little Gift

Little gift.
Small act,
A kindness, pure, simple and nice.

A time,
Sweet moment,
Something good but not fake.
Something. Nothing. Everything.

A little gift given.
A moment of kindness,
Many moments,

The little gift of day,
Little gift of the morning shine.
Of the walk in the midst of summer.
With the birds singing,
The flowers in bloom.

The world ready and opening.

When the world shows a little gift for the world.

 


The best people, people who care, people who need nothing but a sweet moment. I remember a time like this, only a few. A friend, got her a small ‘present’, not really a present, but a box of tea she loves and got me into. I did it as she was busy working and wanted to avoid her having to leave to go out and get more, so I got some for her.

I did this. She cooked me and others dinners every night we we split money for ingredients and alcohol together. The part of my best summer, summer 2017. She did it, I felt bad, but she had no problem with it and loved doing it. She invited me round once, for the first time to the meal. A kind gift, without anything, probably meant nothing.

Living Through Another

Living through another,
Your words on the page,
The feeling, the meaning.
Your hand wrapped around my heart.

Traversing the solid boundary.
The march of time,
Ever-receding into the distant past.

An unknown person,
A faded name on a scrap of paper.
A person I’ve never known,
But through a couple lines, I do.

The feelings of an unknown person,
Lost to time.
An unknown person.
Surviving in,
Into and through time.
Through their memories and their words.

Here I am,
Reliving another’s memories,
Their words,
Kept on through time.

Words of permanence,
Meaning changed and kept.
Transformed and transferred forms.

Yet a pause.
Here I am.
In the present.
Here I am.
Living through another.


As some people on here may or may not know, I study history at university and have been doing a lot of reading just now and the inspiration for this is just that. Living a life, through the many words of many others, their happiness, sadness, troubles, times and everything.

Words have a surprising tendency to be able to evoke with such detail, especially what I have been reading now, especially studying history. I’ve been reading about love, relationships, feeling and reciprocation from a large variety of people in a part of the Mass-Observation Project.

Actually poetic in its collection of people’s voices, keeping them, despite the fading-to-dust of time.

Bright Things Ahead

Bright things ahead
With my head about me,
Close friends,
Warm people.

A friend who means so much to me,
Helping me out the darkness,
When I lost my way,
They’ve found me again.
Brought me that helping hand,
That kind smile,
Inclusive attitude
A positive mental attitude.

Nothing can stand in my way.
I will make the way.
Show you what I can do.
What I will do.

Us, there’s no place we can’t go.
Nothing we can’t do.
Nowhere out of reach.
When we reach out,
Everything in our grasp.


Hurtful People

Hard to let go,
Of those who hurt you,
Cause you indescribable pain.
Such a sadistic game.

A feeling of sadness, trumping all.
The pain,
Coming, hitting in endless waves.
Such evil intent,
Malicious smile.
Hurtful lies.
Hateful eyes.

A pain.
To forget and leave,
To eradicate from one’s mind.
Even their pain caused…
I’m used to it…
I can cope with it…
But I shouldn’t.

Off you go and take your hate,
Take all you are,
Down to the depths of Hades.
Forever torment,
A taste of my mind.
Like you never saw,
Or just ignored.
But always caused.
And caused again some more.

Funny how some,
Gain a smile from others’ torment.
Hurtful people,
It reminds them they’re not alone.
They have strength.
They make a difference.

In crushing the windpipe of another.
Maybe there was no intention.
But it was willing,
An unintended consequence of intended actions.

Memories, Drifting Away In Dust

Memories,
How they move and drift away in dust,
Particles,
So small, fragile and yet also nonexistent.

Fragile.
Drifting away,
Always a sorry state.
A way, no fault of my own.
A time too soon and too late.

Dust,
To which we come from and go.
Finality,
A last cheer,
Denoument.

A sorry-state,
No fault,
Others’ bringing.
No peaceful rest,
No peace to be left.

As the memories drift away,
To their final resting place,
Here among the dust.