World Built

World built in mind,
Thoughts and imaginings running wild.
The new day,
A new tim awaits.

Thinking always running,
Always thinking,
World building in my head.
The time, possibility.
Path branching out,
The choice.
Closing of the superposition.
Thoughts,
World built,
Formed.

So much running,
Through my head,
It swirls,
The tiring endeavour.

Lieing awake,
Thinking.
I, awake the world in my mind,
Left awake,

By the thoughts running through my mind.


Thinking about choice, imagination, thinking, overthinking.

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Revive

Revive against the wind of change,
Power, change, new life.
Revived against.

To this new change.
New times to bring to to the fore.
Revived against the cold wind of life.
Change upon change.

To revive and go on anew.
Along the wind of change I go.
Facing the wind and rain.
The coldest of nights.

To be revived.
In the face of it all.
To make all anew


Wrote this listening to empowering songs I was listening to:

The Veer Union’s Bitter End.

Fireflight’s Keep Fighting.

Ever-Pain of Mind

The ever-pain of mind.
Fighting thoughts and unfeeling,
Fighting the thinking and the emptiness.

No solution in sight,
But weathering the storm.
Time by time, day by day.

On and on,
Through this ever-pained state of mine.
Shifting moods, constant and rapid.

A song, a thought,
All to wrap around the mind,
Twist and change,
For best or worst.

All in this state of mind.


I’m  okay, just, the random thinkings, randomly changing moods, but not ‘feeling’ bad. But not really ‘feeling’ anything in particular. Just doing work. But that’s it. Thinking. But it’s all quite neutral. Better than feeling bad or pained as of late. But I don’t know if I like it.

This gone feeling.

Resolve

Resolve, strength to overcome all obstacles in my way.
A rock in the road to be moved.
Determination my aim,
Willpower my tool.

To do my best,
Kindness my ever-seeking achievement.

Resolve to guide me.
Strength to bring me.
Into the light,
I will find.

Strength to bring.
Resolve, to make.
The ongoing cycle of day.

For the taking.
A new day to come.
New day to make mine.
To bring me back to life.
Empowered. Stronger. Better.

This resolve,
Not to be lost.
To be ever-held.

This resolve brings me.
This resolve makes me.
Better, kind-er, happier.


Listening to lots of empowering music and feeling better, one day at a time. Till better and stronger.

At Peace

At peace,
Troubled mind, set straight.
A long road to travel,
But one I must.
One I want.

Feeling,
At peace.
Knowing where I can.
The path to take,
A way opens up.
Trouble still stands,
But I am ready,
Hesitant yet determined. At peace.

To try, to travel.
To be…
At peace.

Others,
Seeing their plights,
Relating,
Feeling, empathy.

Waiting, feeling, thinking.
The rarity of peace,
Peace of mind, peace of life.

Another step to be taken.
Another time to try.
Another,
Another,
Always another.

Time to try.
Time to be.
At peace.


Feeling good, have had such a terrible week. Feeling better, feeling okay. Thanks to everyone, all my friends, people online and everyone.

Everyone has their ups and downs. Humans have a strong ability for empathy.
Something which I believe can overcome all.
Empathy, all the problems of the world could be solved by.

Empathy, and at peace.

Have so much to look forward to, times with friends, badminton and times, working together to finish my work. All. All worth it. It’s just those times when lost. It’s hard to find peace. Thanks, thank you MusicGirl for all the help you’ve offered. Even if I was blind to trying to help myself.

Turn of the Page

Turning the page,
A new life, new chapter and start.
To move on and into the new world ahead.

To place yourself in the world,
A new world, start, and bliss to be found.
A reminder of all,
All that there can be.

The good,
The kindness and help,
The beauty of the world so finite.
At a turn of the page.
So much can change.
A world opening up.

To bring into view,
The sunlight over the horizon.
The oncoming summer breeze,
With it; flowers, birdsong and life.

All.
Everything.
At the turn of a page.


Writing this poem as a more uplifting one. Looking forward to hanging out with a friend tonight. Makes me feel better. No matter what has happened.

Trying

Trying so hard,
To get better,
To be okay.

All not enough,
When being dragged down.
Did as you asked?
A goodbye asked for,
A goodbye given.
Always civil,
To do what I must.

I want to let go of the pain.
Erase the dark times from my mind.

Fighting to get better everyday.
Fought all the way.
To keep me in pain.

Looking forward to the time I have,
Erased the pain from the memory.
Erased the pain of the dark times.
To move forward into the light ahead.
Not to look at the darkness behind.

So much beauty and kindness in this world.
Only I manage to shut out the darkness behind me.

Until then.
I find myself trying.
Fought all the way.

Trying,
But fought all the way.


Do I not deserve a break? The nerve of me, not hanging out when they said goodbye for good. The nerve for me to look after myself and not persist my pain. I have the nerve for not looking after myself? What I can’t stand is a goodbye said to be final, but not being left alone. Always being told to go, yet expected to hang out whenever another says so. No matter whether it’s good for me. I will talk only so much I have to go on. To do my job. That is it. Goodbyes are goodbyes sometimes. Not to be kept until beckoned for.

Beacon

Beacon
Beacon to my darkness,
ever-thankful,
For your smallest care.

Beacon to ground me when I’m lost.
Kindness, the beacon
That helps me find my way.
Gets me on the right track.

Helps me find home.
Within myself.
Rooting me on,
Even from afar.

Kindness always there,
My beacon on those darkest nights.
To help me stand my ground,
Gather myself,
My thoughts.

Ever-thankful for helping me find…
Helping me find the sunlight.
That I just failed to see.

All from this.
A simple kindness.
My beacon.
Thank you.


Good shift today, good day found. Looking forward to seeing another friend tomorrow.

This is dedicated, to a friend whose never given up on me, even when I don’t know why. They should have by now. But haven’t and only offered me kindness, help and care.

Something I’ll be ever-grateful for.

The Problem Is, I Care.

The problem is, I care.
Thinking of the kindness of this world,
Is held by all.

Many signs to show,
I not wanting to see,
Still battling within my mind.
Trying and trying not to. Care.
To ignore.
Use my pain to remember.
Remember the pain, the cause.

Remember the light to be found.
Even if not seen.
Remember it exists,
That it’s there.

And remember, the problem is I care.
That not everyone is kind,
Coming back to cause pain.
Not everyone deserves care.
Something that perplexes me now,
Saddens me so.
Not everyone deserves care.


Apologies for all my followed, for my breakdown past night. Been thinking, had a long sleep.

Thinking of the list of pain, of times hurt, of times certain things were said. How they are continued. And not left to rest. So I have to leave it to the past, to gather dust and fade.

One useful thing about pain, it, when it gets too much, allows, allows you to see the continuation of pain. Allows you to let go, say no.

Not a clear path, but will get clearer, despite attempts to throw me under.

Ramblings of a Feeling.

Hi everyone, bit rough tonight, or maybe more than that. More than over a month. Worse though.

Still down but less hysterical and more reflective.

Thinking back to a dark time in my life. The worst feelings. Thinking.

Worse than death, a mental death, a loss of everything, all meaning, hopes, desires. Imagine everything you know, being wiped clean. Imagine everything taken from you. Left with nothing. But confusion of what came before this, if anything came before this.

This feeling is worse than death, feels worse that it. The latter, an end, finality. The former, similar but instead emptiness, without the end. So much so that you end up craving it, hoping for it. At my worst. I had no motivation for everything, breathing, getting up, seeing, all was too exhausting.

People saw it took its toll on me. Happened only once time before as a kid. Those times it shines through only happens when pretending and hiding is too exhausting after doing it for a long time. Even then, I hid most of it, because of fear, of many things. Everything a portrayal of less-than how bad it was.

Crushed me. The scars. Even though I have gotten much better, the scars aren’t worth the memories, aren’t worth the pain. And I would happily trade them away.

Talking to family and other friends about really serious issues and many opening up to me thinking “you wouldn’t know”. Until I explained to one, and the surprise to hear him say, “you know this too”.

The sadness, depression. Gives a feeling of lacking reality, everything exists and you apart from it. Everything meaningless.

The worst thing is the loss, the loss of everything personal to you, you, personality, care, motivation. You push people away, many if not most do turn away.

Even thinking. Things are overall better now. But I can’t help thinking. The memories of the dark time. It’s still not worth living, to live with those memories.

I don’t know why I’m writing this. There is no hope for me to explain. More cathartic, reflective, can’t sleep and terribly pained. I’ll fall asleep sometime, working on 2 hours sleep last night can’t help.

I was stupid to ignore everything all my best of friends said, always the same thing. I didn’t listen and have the mental scars to prove.

Back to my New Years resolutions. To keep myself good, to be better and take out anything bad.

These feelings will pass, I will get better. I have. In so little time. I just need to know where to aim. What path to take. What to do. To keep those who care close and give all of mine to them.

This is my promise, this is just the essence of me. I’ve just thought too good of too many people in the past.

I’ll get better. Because I want to.