Won’t Waste No Time

Won’t waste no time,
Times gone by,
The waste of being, feeling waiting.
Stronger now and then some.

The times to come.
Better and greater.
Determination to make my world brighter.
Unstoppable, my path set out.
I walk off, on a mission.

And I won’t waste no time.
Time to be,
The person I truly am,
Deserve to be.

The new day,
Mine to grasp,
Make mine,
Make whole.
Nothing to stop me.

I won’t waste no time.
My determination.
I will get,
What I aim for,
My unwavering drive.

Kindness, help and care for all,
Betterment of everything I can,
Passions fulfilled,
Aims met,
Stretching myself till all is within grasp.

I won’t waste no time.
Grasping the day.
My time now,
To rip out the past.
To find my life.
I won’t waste no time.

Feeling a little better, a song ad on YouTube came on and made me feel empowered and better, Dua Lipa’s IDGAF and another song I won’t mention.

The Call Of The Song

The call of the song,
From old,
Thoughts racing.
Looking forward to the new day.

The song how it speaks,
Beckoning a new day into existence,
New times to find and have.

Those times on the horizon,
Throwing the past aside.
Into the wastes of time,

The song plays on,
To the future that awaits,
The new song to come.

Using the hurt song to spur a new beginning.
Strength from the pain of old.
The past, used to will on the new.
The present, the good and now.

And on this song plays,
Trying to move on to the new day,
New, bright, kind and from the past.

The call of the song,
Off into the future.
Leaving dead the past.
Moving on.

I have to stop lying to myself, had a rougher day than I’ve had in a while. Got a lot of productive work done on my essay.

Post-event Nervousness

Mind racing,
Fast movements,
Mind racing.

Where to next,
Loss of concentration,
Nothing else,

This curious,
Post-event nervousness.

How it hits and lingers on.
The event passes,
The feelings remain.
What I feel,
My hands, controlled by another.
My eyes, looking through not my own.

A disconnect,
A feeling of non-presence.
A confusion of thought.
A pain with thinking,
A horror of feeling.

A feeling to pass,
Will pass,
In time,
Just give it time.

This post-event nervousness.

Writing this poem thinking of an unusual phenomenon I’m reflecting on, those times when you have a event, like a presentation, and you were nervous before it, but also after it’s all done and out of the way (even if you do not worry about ‘how it went’) the nerves of the presentation linger even after it (and it really isn’t worry of how it went or other similar feelings).

Everything Feeling

Everything feeling,
The fullness,
Overwhelming feeling.
No one sees how.

Underestimation, everyone’s currency for me.
Understanding, the sea I swim in, live in.
The world,
A world of feelings,
My own and others,
A lifetime of thoughts,
In the smallest of moments.
Rushing before my eyes,

People look at me,
But never see.
I can’t explain.
The everything feeling.
A mind racing,
My attention like a hand that cannot keep up.

Thoughts running,
A simple decision?
A list of solutions,
Running through my mind,
To weigh and pick.

Emotional hurt,
Always feeling emotions of others,
Strongly influencing my own.
Imagine a being,
Not being, but being gained from another.
A state of loss,
Loss of being, feeling, identity.

This state of everything feeling,
Itself causing pain,
To add to my pain,
From the pain of others,
To add to my own pain also.

No synthesis,
Overempathy, or the lack.
The former as natural,
The latter to save me,
Save me from the overfeeling

The complexity.
Unable to describe.

And the inescapable.

This everything feeling.

Well. Writing a poem of feeling, what it’s like to feel too much, empathise way too much until it hurts beyond description, emotions hurt beyond description of physical pain.

Probably have Asbergers and have slightly suspected since primary school (many years ago), but a main reason is my misconception that Autism is necessarily about a lack of empathy when I’ve always known it’s the opposite for me.

Found some good experiences on a forum, found it through a community I found on a new app a friend on my MoodTrack recommended haha: https://wrongplanet.net/forums/viewtopic.php?t=304240

Talking to others it’s possible to have Asbergers with hyperempathy or hypersensitivity.

Despite the description of the poem I’m not sad, just thinking, writing what life feels like, existing is like.