Hatred so Alien, Apathy Pure

Hatred so alien, apathy pure.
The feeling inside you,
Not much of one.
A lack.
An empty hatred, filled with apathy.
In sound? A guitar string snapping.
Sight? A car crashing.
A feeling.
A lack of everything.

Thinking and pondering,
Apathy this must be.
Yet no.

Apathy for the mistakes made,
Trust given all a lie I tried to believe.

Hatred,
At being stabbed in the gut,
Left for dead.
A seething pain I will not let rule me.
I was a fool.
I believed.

The rage and apathy,
Calming together.
The rage to avoid mistakes once made.
The apathy to avoid the pain.
Both lessons from a painful time.
Lessons to avoid a painful future.

Funny,
How two emotions,
Thought to be raging,
Actually are calming,
Realising a mistake.
My fault.
Stupid faults of my past,
My way of thinking.
Of mistaking that all are kind.

To realise a truth always people tell me.

I realise.
And it’s okay.

The rage to avoid mistakes once made.
The apathy to avoid the pain.
Both lessons from a painful time.
Lessons to avoid a painful future.

And with this. A better future opens up for me.
To learn from the past.
To find a better future.

The rage to avoid mistakes once made.
Thw apathy to avoid the pain.
Both lessons from a painful time.
Lessons to avoid a painful future.


I’m not upset, I’m okay actually today was a good day. Just trying to wrap my head around a feeling, One I’ve never really held nor do really understand. Hatred. Or if that is what this feeling is.

I care about everyone, including strangers, everyone is worth decency, care and kindness, just before they’re living beings.

But then there’s this feeling, I may google it after this. Trying to wrap my head around it. A constant, unsubsiding feeling. One that is calming, pushing me to not make the same mistakes again, but always there, looking it up it’s a mix between hatred and apathy. But total. Either way. Really an alien feeling that is so weird. So I write to try and make sense of it.

I guess this poem is a storyesque, because it’s not like I’m feeling angry right now but more a reflection I guess

Actually writing this has been quite cathartic. Has made me feel a bit better. Now I kinda understand.