Hi everyone, bit rough tonight, or maybe more than that. More than over a month. Worse though.
Still down but less hysterical and more reflective.
Thinking back to a dark time in my life. The worst feelings. Thinking.
Worse than death, a mental death, a loss of everything, all meaning, hopes, desires. Imagine everything you know, being wiped clean. Imagine everything taken from you. Left with nothing. But confusion of what came before this, if anything came before this.
This feeling is worse than death, feels worse that it. The latter, an end, finality. The former, similar but instead emptiness, without the end. So much so that you end up craving it, hoping for it. At my worst. I had no motivation for everything, breathing, getting up, seeing, all was too exhausting.
People saw it took its toll on me. Happened only once time before as a kid. Those times it shines through only happens when pretending and hiding is too exhausting after doing it for a long time. Even then, I hid most of it, because of fear, of many things. Everything a portrayal of less-than how bad it was.
Crushed me. The scars. Even though I have gotten much better, the scars aren’t worth the memories, aren’t worth the pain. And I would happily trade them away.
Talking to family and other friends about really serious issues and many opening up to me thinking “you wouldn’t know”. Until I explained to one, and the surprise to hear him say, “you know this too”.
The sadness, depression. Gives a feeling of lacking reality, everything exists and you apart from it. Everything meaningless.
The worst thing is the loss, the loss of everything personal to you, you, personality, care, motivation. You push people away, many if not most do turn away.
Even thinking. Things are overall better now. But I can’t help thinking. The memories of the dark time. It’s still not worth living, to live with those memories.
I don’t know why I’m writing this. There is no hope for me to explain. More cathartic, reflective, can’t sleep and terribly pained. I’ll fall asleep sometime, working on 2 hours sleep last night can’t help.
I was stupid to ignore everything all my best of friends said, always the same thing. I didn’t listen and have the mental scars to prove.
Back to my New Years resolutions. To keep myself good, to be better and take out anything bad.
These feelings will pass, I will get better. I have. In so little time. I just need to know where to aim. What path to take. What to do. To keep those who care close and give all of mine to them.
This is my promise, this is just the essence of me. I’ve just thought too good of too many people in the past.
I’ll get better. Because I want to.