The memory,
Back on the hurtful times,
Back to those crushing moments,
As the new ones come.

The pain flooding back.
The swirl of thoughts,

All hurting my mind,
Memory in how it was,
A new day to come,
But pain brings with it the past.

Always this hurt,
Brought to the fore,
By those,
Those memories.

The memory,
The past pains brought back,
As a reminder.

Path Once Tread

The path once tread,
A path forking before me,
Being pushed to decision,
A choice, mine, but also not.
Forced to take a path,
With pain either side.

The path,
Itself, shows me promise but pain on one,
Next to a barren path, of lifeless functionality.
Both paths, also behind me, chosen in a network behind me.

How I come to the forked road again,
Having already walked,
Known how both turn out,
Left with different ways,
Hurt, thinking,
But one gives me reason, but also pain.

But whichever path I’m on,
The other’s more appealing.
Despite rationalising each and how they go.

Know what’s good for me, also isn’t,
But is better than the other.

Still this question flows through my mind.
A time,
Waiting for the next time,
Only on this current path.

A single step shutting it all down,
A single step,
From the best and worst feelings, to the painless, but also all-lacking.

My choice?
My path,
A path once tread,
Still, stuck with a choice,
An impossible choice.

Choice, of a path once tread.

Thinking, very deep-in-thought. People often try to give me advice, but it always comes back a singular aspect, a lack of understanding. A piece of advice given, consistently, may work for others, but is one thing that always takes everything of meaning from me. Leaves me with nothing. A path once tread, more than once, I’ve walked many times.

The past times that I have followed, thinking it would help, always has left me empty, dead in mind but not in actuality. Only serves to remind me, how no one understands, can understand.

People see me as crazy, loony, often hurting myself. There is a difference, this is normal, but hurt can be coped with if being meaningful. The advice people give, often, takes one pain away, by taking away the meaning and making everything into a weird state of not caring about anything, being robotic and functioning alive as a human but not wanting to.

Leaves me to a choice I have taken, thought about many times. To take a path that may hurt, but gives me a reason to keep fighting, or to take a path without the pain of the aforementioned but only by taking everything of meaning.

A life of emptiness is never better than a life of pain, if the latter comes with meaning and a strive to better.

I’m writing this, knowing how the path has always turned out, but being somewhat compelled to take the path, to leave myself with emptiness. Emptiness of everything. Happenings of today.

I do not know. My tonight’s going to be filled with pondering.

I know the outcome, as always, but the choice has to be made, not making a choice is a choice.

Feeling a little better writing this, and writing tonnes on my MoodTrack. Better, but still lacking a solution, an answer. Just happier, thinking of my best friend, the best human I know. And something they said to me, have done quite a few times, explaining stuff, helping, but never solving, much like the path I’m on even wanting the empty one sometimes. She said ‘You just see things differently’.

Will still need a lot of time tonight to think, but yeah.

Watching the Walk

Watching the walk,
Off into that distance,
Those times made so.

In place,
That time,
Into the snow as it falls.
Falling with those flakes full,
Watching that walk,

A shiver not in sight.
A white day,
The day light’s shine off the snow.

Watching that walk,
Through that snow,
Off into the distance.
Like the flow of time,
A flowing river,
Off into the distance,
The unknown,
The distance,
The time.

Watching that walk.

Worth The Feeling

Worth the feeling
The wait, the time,
Worth it for the feeling,
Worth it for the briefest of times.
It was it,
Worth it,
For that time.

It was a could,
A potentiality,
The times that make the world shine,
Shine bright,
Those times, the world shines.

Bright as the morning rise.

For a mere moment,
A kindest smile.
A help.

A moment, life given,
Life made worth.


Worth the feeling.

Thinking, feeling, thinking, pondering. Thinking of life, times, feelings. How, everything can be perfect, in those smallest littlest things. Problems come and go, so do the most divine feelings, those, with the memories keeping them alive, so that they’ll never fade.

I’ve come so far, escaped such shit darkness, but, it gets better, bit by bit, a smallest moment can show it all. A true happiness. Only for a time, but until the next.

Also writing this watching a touching episode of The Walking Dead, not what you’d think, but still.

Written, hanging out, arranging to hang out with a friend, one, we started talking by random chance, a random comment, one time around Christmas. Feeling mixed today, but totally amazing right now.

The Ask

The ask,
A simple thing,
Moment captured in the singularity of time,
A finite, moment.

The ask,
A time of the now and near.
A time for the taking,
The opportune,
Many things,
A compilation,
A mosaic of the existence.

The ask,
The time,
What a time?

The ask,
A message,
Much to come,
But also simple,
A simple complicated thing.
Waiting for the collapse,
From potentiality to actuality,
A collapse of the superposition.

To the making,
To the asking,
The ask.

Better Going Forward

Better going forward,
Moment in the fore,

Kindest soul,
Yet also calm,
Also in place.
A time when all is right,
All is okay,
All is good.

This time,
Is good,
A bit worrisome.

It is better going forward.
So much, all better.
Free from many demons that plagued my mind.
Better with general kindness,
My best of friends,
Kindest of moments.

So much to look for,
Look forward,
Move, anticipate and enjoy.

It’s better moving forward,
A path not yet treat.
A path for me.
Forward, better, nicer.

Oh how it is better going forward,
Excitement for what is to some.
Friends, kind, beautiful.
Helping, helped, me.
Now to be okay,

World opening up…
To be…
Better going forward.

Worries of my last post, pretty much evaporated with a single conversation, feeling amazing again, another reminder, of how my mind is my worst enemy. Pushing everything from actuality, into every possible potentiality. So many things have improved recently, feeling infinitely better, in everything, work, socially, my studies, friends, and everything. With my best friend helping, I’m also improving a number of other key areas.

Just What Matters

Just what matters,
In the most casual moments,
Those sweetest times,
Gone before known,

Nicest times,
Times that are,
Just what matters.

Stuck in place,
Stuck in time.
A good place,
Worried about losing.
Just what matters.

These smallest things,
No one ever understands,
Thinking round and round.
Just what matters,
The feeling,
A mutuality.

Simplest moment,
Without requirement,
Nothing needed,
So nice.

Thoughts swirling around me,
Taking turns to rip at me,
Through this good feeling.
Intertwined with the bad;
The worries, for the end,
Finite reality.

Just wanting,
Caring, for just what matters.
Who cares,
The times too infrequent,
Making up, in simplest perfection.
Oh the worries, thoughts,
It’s about just what matters.

Had an amazing time with close friends, many I haven’t seen in a long while last night. Unusual mood right now, thinking of stuff that has just happened.

Wondering, thinking, my mind bringing discomfort, always thinking. Showing me every scenario, like before a decision when you take half an hour to think of as many scenarios and outcomes as possible and weighing them all up.

Making it exhausting, to merely think, to be, to ponder. I’m feeling amazing, but that’s the thing. Being amazing, with this overthinking, always carries so much baggage. The philosophical thoughts on existence, life, the best piece of advice, from my favourite television show, Rick and Morty, “just don’t think about it”. Isn’t always helpful, not thinking, can often be equated with not living. Then there’s again the crossroads, the ones I mentioned before, choosing being alive or being happy.

I honestly am happy, but. Things. Overthinking, feeling way too happy. The amazing things, amazing people, just what matters, mean everything. Then all the thinking matters, it makes it matter, and throws everything into deep thought and contemplation.