Hope Lost

Hope lost,
Trying against the pain.
For what could be,
The feeling lost before found.
Trying for this hope, lost.

Holding on,
For that time,
In memories,
A reminder of what could be good.
Trying, to hope,
For a hope lost.

To try and hope,
For a hope lost.
As I try to hold on.

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To Make Right

To make right,
To try, the memory my fuel,
Through this unfeeling,
I’ll try.
Push through the pain.

To make right the pain,
my life.
To try.

Holding on,
To every kind memory,
My fuel,
The memory to keep going.
Through the pain in which I lie.
Trying to.

Even as the pain claws me back.

To make right.
To right the wrongs,
A fight against my existence.

A fight through the pain.
To see what the new day can bring.
Even as my body,
Tries to give in.
All a trial, to be.

Even as the pain takes hold.
Everything made useless.
Fighting a body, a mind that has given up.

Trying against those ripping me down,
Apart,
I try.
Oh how I try.

Fighting a body giving up.

All comfort going,
Drifting away.
As I try to make right.

Giving my all,
As it all takes me down.

Trying to make right.
Till given no room to try.
Torn apart,
Drifting into nothingness.

A poison, life, running through,
Into my bones.
Tearing apart.

Tearing whole.
Left with nothing.
Yet I still try.
Slowly,
Everything fighting me,
All the whole way.
Why try.
To end only broken.

But I can try,
Till my body fails.
Fails,
As I try,
To make right.


Feeling more determined to try and get better. Nice, thinking about seeing my friend, even despite my mistake. It was nice, and brightened up my day.

It was nice, to learn, chat, think and be.

Was nice for a time. Will try to focus on that. At least to try. Maybe in vain.

After writing this I don’t know.
Everything fighting me, all being futile. Left with nothing. Wanting nothing. I try. How I want to. How happiness is a chore, a trial. With everything fighting me back.

Losing all, over and over again. My mind breaking apart.

Silence But For The Mind

Silence but for the mind.
A thought, part of a mosaic,
Part of a greater whole.

The silence surrounding,
Peaceful yet not.

An empty void for an empty void.
Trying, effort trying. Thinking,
Trying to will to action.
Yet not now.
For now there is silence,
For now.
But the mind keeps hold.

Waiting, drifting.
Movements made hard by lack of need.
No need to move when there is nothing to be done.
Thinking.

All there is, is silence.
Silence as I lay here.
Silence as I stay here.


Honestly don’t know how long it’s been since the last post, probably not long. Feels like an hour, effort to do anything. Silence around but my mind.

I occasionally get a will to move and it just ends up a shoulder shrug before stopping. Sometime maybe.

Again, Gotten So Far

Again,
Gotten so far,
Tried, through my trials.
Tried, yet ended up broken.
Again is time for another try,
But not now.
Not now.

Energy escapes me.
Trying to try, hurts me.
Laying down. Nothing.

The happy times,
Reminiscent memories of a past not so long ago,
Bring slight happiness,
Until the realisation hits,
A mistake,
And it all crumbles away.
To dust, before my eyes,
Within my mind.

Anything,
Becomes such a laborious task.
Thinking, of the time I had gotten so far.
A nice moment,
To relive within my mind.
As I render myself inert, unable to move.

Out of fear for my mistake made.
Movement brings me a reminder,
To the present.

Again, I had tried.
Again, I had gotten so far,
Found happiness in all things,
Those smallest, so perfect things.
Only to be broken,
By my own hand.

Thinking of those happy moments,
A small nice feeling arises,
Reminded it is one I do not deserve.
My mistake, nothing,
Nevertheless a stain on my mind.

Left thinking of nothing.
Existing within nothing,
The nothingness, yet also everything,
Of my mind.

After having gotten so far,
Again.

Yet another day will come,
In time.
Until then.
Again, I had gotten so far.


Thinking, of how I got so far. The good feelings that weren’t so long ago. Being able to will myself to move. Looking forward to something. Now just thinking, overthinking a mistake that to all others may be nothing, but to me, it isn’t.

Tried, this good patch of feeling up to now. Lots of things for self-betterment, all with a mistake has crumbled. Like building a ladder out of a pit. All crumbling to dust as I step on the first rung.

Don’t feel like working, which I enjoy or at least did, don’t feel like watching a tv series my friend got me into, and has brightened every day with a good end, don’t feel like any of this. Just unconsciousness of sleep.

Prison of My Mind

My mind a prison,
The long wait.
My cell, existence.
The long wait.
Trying to no avail

Being a mere state of just that,
In place,
Thinking, thinking, and overthinking.
Wrapped around, straitjacketed within my mind.

In the moment,
Paralysed,
Except within my mind,
Trapped.
Thinking,
And waiting the time out.
Trying to leave to unconsciousness,
To wait it out,
This pain.
My sentence.

Self-imposed, as it has been upon me.
My trial,
One time.
Broken from the smallest interval.

Perpetuated from within.

My Mistake

My mistake,
Tragic, silly.
Fragile and unknown,
Until the moment,
The break.

A time.
The fall.
Nice but intricate,
Intricate and failing.
Trying, mood swaying but end.

How these fragile things take hold,
Take, make and break.
Rendering me existing,
Thinking and trapped within my mind.

Trying, thinking and ailing,
My body rendered inert.
Thoughts, the only movement to be seen.

Feelings have left me,
My mistake made.
Trying, thinking, trying to boost.
But left laying awake.

Existing, feeling,
Every moment passing.
I try to gather strength,
But lost to the thinking.

Wrapped around,
In my mistake.


Wrote a good poem in my last post.

But made a mistake when seeing my friend. Can’t explain, it’s stupid and I’m probably overthinking as I always am. But so saddened because of it.

Trying to go to sleep, but will write poetry until I fall. Probably have a long night of poetry writing ahead of me.

Little Shine

Little shine,
A light at the end of the tunnel,
A little light found.
A time,
A kindness.

Trying. Ever so hard.
Trying, need to keep to the light.
Remember the kindness,
Always, to try,
To try, to care.

Trying, in peace.
Trying to ward away the darkness,
Bringers of horror, to ruin the day.

Trying to hold onto this little ray,
This little light so nice.
A little time, to be,
A little time,
Making things better,
Little by little.
Time by time.

I try,
I try to keep,
This little light alive.
Try to shine.
Try.

Always trying, to keep this little shine.
Close,
Nice,
Trying.


Everything’s a bit better, saw a friend, sat chatting, talking, was really nice. Has totally brightened my day without knowing.

It’s nice, these times, these small uneventful times.
It’s where the nicest memories, nicest people are found.

Giving everything else worth,
To remember these little times.

Everything. One Simple Thing.

Everything, one simple thing.
One simple clear ask.
For peace, to go on while always crushed.
Always hurt and never left alone.
One simple thing.
Never left to peace.

All going to black,
All turning in on me,
Everything crushing, hurting.
A piercing pain inside my head.
Wanting peace.

Never allowed,
A simple peace,
A simple time.
Wanting, trying and having everything, thrown back.
By a simple denial,
A denial of a simple request.
A simple time.

Why won’t this torture end.
End.
This enduring, kept, and kept running.
A hurtful spite.
A desolate landscape.


Had a good day, then rough, then turned okay and then worse thinking about why it turned rough.

Worse mood than I’ve had for a while. A simple, clear message. Just want to be left alone apart when necessary. Just want to be left alone. Even right this second everything getting worse. Is it too much to ask for a simple thing. Just to be left alone. Just to be left alone, unless absolutely necessary!

Everything getting worse right now.

Every good thing. Getting worse right now.

Everything.

Mood change, abruptly ended writing this one. A friend, met a friend by chance and it’s made things a little better, somewhat seeing a small light. Calming down. Trying. Another day ahead, another time to try, another thing to get better.