I Have To

I have to,
Will being my guide,
My power and strength.
To push apart the sea,
To form the path from stone.

No other option.
To bend my body,
To my mind’s will,

To form, shape and make.
To make,
To form my path,
Shape it to the form I want.

To shake it to the very core,
To build from ashes,
From rubble
To build the spire,
To reach into the bright sky,
Delve into the depths,
To rip a gem from the rocks.

The body. Following.
What the mind sets, what the mind ascribes.

I have to.
Like I have to breathe.
Always pushing,

To break asunder the cliff in my path.
My compulsion,
My aim.

To break free, break out,
Of the constraints,
To break off the chains.

My will to guide, push and pull me.

I have to.
Be me,
Be my best.

To force my way through.
I have to.
Dragging the body along the path.
I have to.

I am always asked how I can work like I do, whether tired, hungry, stressed, lack of time, motivation or money. I simply have to. And my body has to cope somehow.

Things like this people have said about me since GCSEs, working late till 8pm in the school library, my headteacher coming and saying hi and telling me not to work so hard.

Many times I have, always, working myself ragged. But it’s okay. That’s what I do, never achieving enough, so pushing harder, faster, further. Never achieving enough of what I want. So pushing the body to its limits, till it surpasses them.

Even a few summers ago, working 50+ hour weeks at work, going home to bed wakihg up early, coming back late, every day for weeks.

I never do anything by half measures, if I give my any, I give my all. Work harder, better. Pushing all boundaries aside.

Have this type of reputation:
At work, working long, hard, reliably and always my best.
Uni, among my peers, always the one asked for help, the aims and focuses on assessments, resources or my own view of works my own and others.
My academic work ethic, seen by teachers since primary school, secondary, my grammar school, college and now university. Lecturers even seeing I’m weeks ahead of the reading schedule, always researching overly, thoroughly and concisely.

This is me.
One of the few features that have stood the test of time, of change.
So much so, that it surprises me realising this now, altogether, always having been the same I’ve never really noticed.