The Time I Try

To try,
To try through those little actions,
The reason to try,
Times I live.

To make a smile,
I do inside, beaming.
The time I try.
To give my all.
Those smallest of moments,
Of hope.

To be free.
To try my best.
To give my all,
For a smile.

To show kindness,
To be me.
All I can be.

Through those small moments,
Time and time again, I try.

To give my all,
All I can give.
My promise to you.
A promise to me.

Wrote this, a little happy-sad, feeling much better, pondering on this, and many other things…

I was feeling a little sad, then thought back to my ‘life’ so far, thinking of the past years and the situations I’ve been in. It’s a miracle that I’ve made it this far, from primary school, finding close friends, and always find close friends rather than superficial ones, always trying my best to be a kind person. Something I try to continue to this day. Kindness being the trait I truly value most, in myself, and others. There aren’t very many people I can point to for being totally unkind, everyone has their own point of shining, a point of knowledge, help, care, kindness. I mentioned in a previous post thinking I could compile a list of people and how they’ve helped me, I haven’t, but I guess, there always is a list, in my head, memories. Kindness, is something I remember best. I can think all the way back to a teacher in primary school, being kind when I was alone, didn’t think of it this way then, another, helping me through family issues, another being confident in my own work and encouraging me to. Now I think of it, I remember a lot more of the kind acts of people that I thought I did.

My situation studying the International Baccalaureate, total stress, but diligent work, throughout, against all odds, achieveing a grade I’m not totally happy with, but a near-perfect score is difficult to attain. With even the headteacher seeing me regularly at the time the school-building was closed and locked, and encouraging me to ‘work less’, something I’m still told today all too frequently by everyone I know. Haha, times change, but some things don’t.

At the start of university, making friends I don’t have an idea how I did, many good times, and bad, but helped to change me in so many ways. Financial difficulties with no government assistance and having to finance my degree mostly myself with tonnes of support from my family, (who have always believed in me, thinking back to my cousin (many years older than me) once asking me questions, philosophical, historical, political, cultural and many others, he said, “You were always the smart one in the family”, which I shrugged off, but was touching).

Throughout my degree, I worked hard, got a good grade (not as much as I wanted, but very good) somehow managed to finance it, despite, now looking at it, being in a situation stacked totally against me. Not even being able to afford my 2nd and 3rd years or my MA without my job, which I work hard to juggle around everything.

Even to now, trying to manage, juggling everything, not having had a day off from work in over 2 weeks, and not having a day off from Uni work in, well, the last time I remember is back in January. Trying to make everything work, work my hardest, still being totally kind to everyone I meet. Even one work colleague, saying it’s nice to see something good happen to such a nice person as it doesn’t happen often. With my lecturers seeing my effort today, joking, and pointing out the path I’m taking and giving me advice for achieving it.

Feeling much better.

Little Hope

This little hope,
A flame burning bright,
Flickering, yes, but ever-burning.

No matter the cold air rush,
The flame burns on, through,
A little hope.
A hope for what is to come,
A path to take,
A try at giving it all.

A little hope,
A show of faith,
A kindness shown,
To bring me back,
To help me find the path.
To find my path,
To show me to look,
To find what I seek,
What I hope.

This little hope,
A little hope,
An enjoyment to the trials,
Which I’ll overcome.

Looking back,
Those trials I have overcome,
The many,
Always fade to monotony,
But to remember,
What I have done.

Against all odds,
I’ve  given my all,
To claim what wasn’t in sight.
To grab what I could not achieve.
To achieve it.

A little hope,
My guide,
A path for my determination,
To aim my path.
Aim my drive.

This little hope.

Writing this, had a really rough start to today, a rough night last night. Feeling better, good seminars, learnt more, support from my teachers, joking with me, giving jokes and support for the path I want to take, feeling more hopeful. Feeling a lot better. And after this improvement in my day, a kind friend messaged me, nothing much, but wondering if I was free to meet up. I wasn’t, but this message, helped me to see more clearly, helped again, provide hope when I stopped bothering to look. When I gave up, a choice, but also not one.

Feeling a little hopeful.

Thanks to the kind friend, who without knowing anything was being done, has helped me tonnes. Thank you. Hope to see you soon!

Lying Empty

Lying, empty.
Sad, with and without reason.
Wishing for it to end.
The struggle,
My emptiness,

Trying but always crushed,
Crushed at a turn.
Flogging myself onward,
Wanting to collapse,
And why,

Lying here empty.
Wanting a 2am walk,
Alone, the depth of darkness.
To feel, to not be alone, while alone.
The only person in this world.
Painful existence.

Desiring a walk,
No matter what tomorrow brings,
Nevermind it all.
I want to walk,
Find a place,
To sit, to stay.
To wait, and try to feel.

Writing this, feeling a bit sad, a bit empty, I don’t know why, but I also do. But even then I don’t know why. Just feel hurt, hurt because I can feel, wanting not to. But I’ve been there before, the choice.

The choice to feel, and always be in constant pain or a lack of feeling and to be empty, then in pain because of the emptiness and then always in pain.

Two choices, a summary of life, a single outcome. Went to counselling a little while ago. Didn’t help in the slightest, everything that happened, was said, I knew already. To be honest was a total waste of time. It’s like being told 2+2 is 4 when you’re in your twenties. Totally obvious and only demonstrated my worst fears to be true.