Painful Contradiction

Painful contradiction,
The hurt within my soul,
Broken, as my will,
Tries to build,
In doing so,
Effects a further break.

The contradiction of my life,
Hoping and only broken.
Trying, and only for my mind,
To tear itself up.
In pain,

Nothing enough,
Looking off,
Into the horizon,
My brain,
In pain.

Trying, to calm.
The mind its own nightmare.
My brain its own breakage.
A tear within my soul.

A painful contradiction,
The memories inside my head,
Good, but itself causing pain,
This unbearable contradiction.

Breaking through my soul.


It hurts, felt better not long ago, but the goodness enhances the worst. Trying to watch films to feel better now. Not really working, my thinking it hurts, feeling empty, but also like wanting to cry.

The happiness also brings its undoing, it all, a contradiction of pain. Trying to think it through, trying to cope. Don’t even know why I’m feeling especially low today, tonight, after a good day, of rest, of seeing a really nice friend, lots of productive work.

Even the zombie apocalypse, of what I am watching seems like a better outcome, emptiness from emptiness, no one to hurt you but everyone and everything. Sounds like life, reality. Pain to try and live, hurting at every point.

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That Time

That time,
So far into the past.
Yet I remember, just as yesterday,
Those times,
The many pleasant memories,
Scattered into the mind.

It was nice,
That time,
To hear, listen,
Those interests,
The motivation.

The very first,
A mere common interest,
A door to so much more.
All those times, chatting.
That first time.
That time.


My last post was written on a rough night. Been better since then, a bit sad tonight for being lied to by a friend. Writing this and feeling a little bit happier, thinking about some times with a friend.

Pissed off and need a rant

I’m pissed off, was left with a colleague’s stuff and left waiting for them. Only to find out that they ditched me. Fucking hell! I was helping and left.

Worst it hits me to the core.

It ruined my night, out with mates. Looking forward to this for weeks. Wanted a rare night out with mates I don’t see outside of work very often.

I was left with their shit. My payment for kindness and making sure everyone was okay.

Worst it reminds me of how humans can’t be trusted, how kindness is worth shit, it is paid in disrespect and a lack of consideration.

Took time to go into town to have it all wasted!

Fucking the reward of kindness.

Fucking hell. Inconsiderate behaviour of human beings. And still I agree to drop the shit off at work. Basic kindness when rewarded with a fucking shit on my soul.

Hate caring about humans at this time. Wish them to wallow in their wasteland. Really hurt and hating. Hating being kind when it isn’t deserved. I fall for this and am fucking shown up.

Fucking pissed off to no end. The disrespect. I hate this shit. Never again will I be kind at the cost to myself. Humans can wallow in their own fucking shit. Not if I’m at a cost.

I hate saying this. But I’ve had enough of taking the cost for others’ mistakes for their own shit and inconsiderate nature.

The Going On

The going on
Path ahead clear,
Yet also not.
A world yet unmade.

Many thoughts and feelings,
Unsure and alien,
A world out there.
Going on.
For its embrace.
For the time to try.

How oh how.
This going on.
Intriguing and precious.
A wonder.

Movement,
Through which my determination will make whole,
Will make real.

Achieving Promethean feats,
Having done so much,
Yet this path so long,
Going on.
Going on.

Changing so much,
Yet so much, also staying the same.

The going on,
This going on.


Feeling good, a good day, maybe having a date later this week, maybe two? Dunno, quite laughably hopeless with human interaction haha but it’s still worth a try. Really good, lots working out, work going well, Uni going really well, with the latter I feel behind, but it’s because I always want to do more. Having a bibliography over 2 pages long by now for ‘short 5000 word essays, when dissertations have bibliographies that length.

Saw my best friend today at the campus bar, was good, met up after not for so very long, she’s really good, and so am I. That’s good.

Remnant

This remnant,
A piece found,
Unexpected, as I wanted my escape.
Gave up the burden.

Tried,
Found my will,
Found a place,
Where I can go.

Spending some time,
In the summer sun.

A small remnant found,
When I thought it lost.

To try,
Even when it gets hard.
To, at least give it a try.


Nice day, productive, spent some time with friends in the sun and the local pub for a drink. Saw a friend, a nice one, maybe we’re meeting some time next week hopefully. Quite nice.

When You Feel Like Letting Go

I am here,
Through those moments,
When you feel like letting go.
Those moments, as they’ve faded.
The mind in its torturous state.
Listening to this silence,
Throughout the cold.

Trying to find the feeling.
A world so alien.
Laying awake.
Broken and turning.
Anger and sadness my only greeting.

Rage to be,
My only feeling.
The only one wanted,
To make the feeling pass.

To try and feel something,
Against the cold wind,
Blazing across my face,
Standing,
In defiance of my sadness,
Yet it is within.

The cold wind only,
Darkness an only greeting.
To this loss of feeling.
Raging against it all.
Trying to find.

Raging across my mind,
Ripped apart,
Trying,
To defy even though it never works,
When you feel like letting go.


Writing this, thinking, like before, listening to Alone by RED

When Trying Stops Fighting

That trying, stops.
Fighting ceases,
When the lies get too much.
Disillusion of the world.

Trying to push on.
Being thrown to the ground.
As the violin plays to close,
The song fades.

The world so well but empty,
Through those empty lies,
Empty times.

All those tries,
Always to the fade.
For all those times.

The world in all its worth,
Left unto empty words,
Those empty lies.

When trying to fight the fade,
The trying,
Then losing its fight.
When the lies can’t fight the truth,
To its all-fading.

Losing a sense of self,
A, part of your self.
Where the rage,
The fight tires out.

And the trying tires of the fight.


Been a good, busy and productive day. Yet some things, some things, and then the thinking, leaving it all empty.

Listening to my favourite song on repeat, that has meant the world to me for so long and have recently rediscovered; 21 Guns by Green Day.

Trials Of The Times

Trials of the times,
Pain of the world,
A trial for the times,
Broken by others’ lies.

Broken words,
Empty lies,
Left in a state of limbo,
Trying to try.

Losing the will,
As this world of flames,
Burns my flesh to the core.

Empty lies,
Leaving a soul broken.

Raging into the night,
Soul set alight;
Burning in those flames.
Angry at the world,
Injustices all too common.

Broken world.
Corrupt being.

My life,
Battle against the fore,
Clawing onto something at all.
All for.

The trials of these times.
Raging against the machine.
Angry at the world showing true colours.

The world of the broken,
You submit,
To persist this breaking.
I ask why!
Why!

Raging into the night.
Against this machine so vile.

Represent, the world broken, corrupt and breaking.
Lies your only currency.
That simple excuse.

These trials of the times.


Been thinking of a poem like this for a little while, on and off. Many people showing me the worst of humanity. The basis, of the worst there is. Empty lies, deceit, a lack of kindness or honesty.

A lot of my recent work has been studying discontent and I see all this and relate. Why the world, many people persist what they hate. Cause what they blame. And commit what they say pains them so.

Many people see me and call me naive. Don’t mistake not wanting to see the worst in people for not seeing the worst. It’s my way of trying to go about my day, having to pretend not to see, otherwise I would probably go round hating everyone. Go round hating and not wanting human contact at all.

Bit of a random rage piece.

Better Through the Goodbye

Better through this goodbye to come,
The times shining in my mind.
Hoping, chatting and being.

A time to come,
A goodbye to be said,
To grow and be better.
To try before the final.

Bettering before this goodbye.
Hoping it’s just for a time.
Though it’ll be a while.

Bettering through this goodbye.
All the possibility.
To strive, stretch and be better.

Thinking, feeling,
Thinking of you,
A better me,
Trying, as I have.
Finding place,
Finding a time where I can try.

The betterment before the goodbye.
Before the finality,
Trying to hold on to.
Myself, being better.
Whilst keeping true to truth.


Thinking of a friend, a really good friend I don’t really know. A friend I’m trying to be better for, trying to self-improve my life in so many ways. Knowing, we’ll be saying goodbye for a while, hopefully not for good. But being better as I try. Been an amazing day, an amazing time seeing them. Trying, being and being happy with this.