A Way When I Cannot See

A way when I cannot see,
Try though as I may.

Lost in a flurry of confusion.
A way to be found,
Will be found.
Trials and trials,
Fighting for life, stability.

It will be.
I will try.
I must.

Oh how these paths are never clear,
Always dark,
Obscured from view,
Without faith for any path, until,
It is already walked down.

Obscured from view,
To push on.
To try.
To find this path,
Trying to forge from which I cannot see.

A path, a flame so bright.
Wavering in uncertainty.
Wavering, flickering,
Going cold but not dead.

Finding in the dark.
Something to be excited for, in the light.

I Once Had Hope

I once had hope,
So much,
Looking for,
In the waiting and ready to accept.

But it was once upon a time.
The revelations show themselves.
Their dark truth.
Where the mind’s light cannot prevail.

And here I am,
A body and that’s all.
Breathing and living,
Being and existing.
Without hope or happiness.

As I try, I try.
To fight, to find.
To construct my own hope,
Yet to no avail.
There is none.

Yet I keep fighting,
Keep trying.

Is this the overthinking?
Or realising the impossible, this is my goal.
Mind ticking over.
Body giving in.

In mind, body and spirit.
Giving up.
As I try, but all is lost.

All is lost.
All is lost.
And I,
Am lost with it

Eating Away

Eating away,
At this mind of mine,
Poisoned, by the thoughts,
By worry,
As it eats away,
Alone and not knowing what to do.

World emptying,
All but worry.

Not knowing what to do.
With the mind’s worries.
Left alone in my soul.
Not worth a damn,
As it eats away at my mind.

Crushing me inside.
Sorry for all there is,
For me.
Sinking deeper into despair.

Worry for my uselessness.
The hopelessness.
The pain as it comes to take me.

Stuck in place,
Nothing to help.
Pain, pain, always lingering.
Even despite my occasional ignorance.

Giving up,
Giving in.
The only option when left with nothing.
Nowhere to go,
The pain,
Wrapping itself around.

And breaking me inside.
Ripping me apart.
My self.
Torn apart.

Eating away from the inside.
My insides rupturing,
Body dying,
With the light, going out.

The flame of hope to fade.
Trials and trials all swirling,
Only to end in dust.

The darkness all-consuming,
No matter the fight.
All for nought.

It is.
It always is all for nought.
As it eats away within me,
Breaking it all apart.

Rest now.
Lie now.
Break apart in peace,
For there is no good choice,
But one must be taken.

A shitty day. Got some results back, some better than I thought, others not as good as I thought. I have to complain about this lecturer, who disliked my topic from the start, as it contradicted their view. Then the day was okay, productive, then I tried to do some productive planning for the future and it broke me. For hours now, like 6 hours, broken, worried, dead inside, hopeless, alone and not knowing what to do. No one to turn to.

Just wishing the pain could stop. I can’t take it anymore.

No matter what gets better, I’m always broken all the way back.

Got a cold I guess, feeling like death, emotions and worries and failures. Wanting it all to stop. It’s breaking me too much, I have to keep on, even as I really just can’t anymore.

Another long session in the library tomorrow.

To get what I want, need to earn more and starve myself to save. From my first year at Uni it’s been tough, always hiding it from all others until it finally bleeds through the façade.

My body wants to crawl up and die. My mind is pushing on, as that’s the only chance of getting closer to my aim.

Don’t know how much more I can take.

Always trying my best, giving my all. But it’s never enough. Never enough no matter what I give, the cost I take.

Don’t know how much more I can take.

But Not

But not.
Living in those smallest moments,
Loving the life.
So many worries yet to come.

But while,
In this moment.
The fade.
Feelings, introspective,
Of it all.

Of all this.
Of these times.
Feelings, an unending puzzle.
Questions left in the mind.

Of all there is,
Peace and not.
Walking down this road.

Through it all,
The calling,
Into time it all flows.

But not.
But not.

Wondering, wandering in this time,
But not.

Had an amazing day, saw friends I haven’t in months, some as far back as Christmas. Was really good. After we left, felt a bit sad.

Lots of things, the “post-good-time” sadness I usually get. Thinking of the future, of being alone generally, don’t talk to family much, friends leaving, I’m leaving home. Sad I’ve changed a lot, most is good, but worried about some stuff changing negatively, but maybe, probably just me thinking.

Thinking of the past, lots of changes, lots of growth, but feeling a little alone, lost, happy yet also sad, and lots more.

Definitely was a good day and don’t want to seem ungrateful for this amazing time, but yeah. Lots of introspective thinking.

Peace As May Come

Peace as may come,
In the night,
From its place, place in the day.

How it flows in,
At rest, peace,
In being.

Worries abound,
I’ll find a way.

Way in time,
A way to go.

The time as it flows into place.

In time,
Peace to be found,
In place and time.

Writing this, had a good day, a long one, but a good one. Feel a little bad about my last poem. Don’t regret it, I meant it, felt it in the moment. But all turned out well. Probably my own stress and overthinking.

Felt at peace, more at peace today. Overall, still so many worries about my future, but J have no choice but to face them, to try.

I’m happy, happy and at peace, with lots still in flux.

Rage Through The Soul

Rage through the soul,
Upon those darkest days.

Throw me what you got!
I’ll throw it back harder!

All the fury,
At trying,
When it is thrown, back into my face.

Rage and anger,
When it is all done.
Rage against the dark,
Those who hurt,
Who try to crush me.
Who breaks into me.

I shall not falter.
I shall not.
I will not.

Hurt. When it all comes.
I try.
It is hurt, broken.
Hate for all.
Breaking away from my pain.
Defying all, as I merely try,
Only to be hurt, insulted.
Rage, fills my soul.
Fills my mind.

Anger at the inconsideration,
The horrible moments,
When those try to crush you.
Filth, fed up.

Wrote this, a rant. Had a very shit day at work. Started okay, as usual, a bit worried, but it was all due to me trying, trying to be better, to work. This is okay, I bring it on myself, as I always try to be better. However, what was horrible was something someone said. Accusations, blame and horrible. Harboured rage and hate for over 4 hours after. How rude! I tried! Tried and was given accusations. Especially who it was, they have a lot to talk about!

Total rage, a person, in their criticism, the most hypocritical. Stupid. Hating trying and being effectively told to fuck off. Terrible, horrible. Leaving me seething. Wanted to just quit on the spot.

Luckily, one thing I’ve learned well, is holding your tongue. It only ends up worse anyway. For the first time, thinking, it’s not worth it. Horrible. Makes all I was okay with terrible, lots of things I was looking forward to, empty. The year not starting, and I already want it over.

No words to describe my outrage, disappointment! Horrid!

Calmed down slightly, since, but still. I cannot forget. Horrid people. This is something I will not forget. Horrid people, with false and unknowledgable accusations, making untrue and uninformed assumptions, coming into something, not knowing and pretending to know all, to enforce.

What’s worse? The rude, uninformed assumption. I’d be okay with a question to make sure, a tiny piece of effort to become informed. But as usual, an example of coming out of nowhere, making an assumption on nothing and pretending it’s law, trying to pass it off as such. Something my Gran always used to say, ’empty vessels make most noise’. Raging at the moment.

Worse still? Fucking simple, kindness, a kind request, for information, or request for a task. Rather that walking it and making it all up, demanding. What I slightly feared, what many feared in leaving, well. Shown to be true. I am not looking forward. I tried to calm down, watching TV. But as usual in my head, nothing changes that this happened. I’m fuming. It will pass. The memory won’t. It never does. Kindness, it doesn’t cost a thing. Nothing. Yet for some it is too much to ask. These are moments when I’m truly sad, at how horrible humans can be, how they can show a lack of consideration.

Especially due to my own preconditions with certain codes I hold myself to, a lack of consideration, is something I see all too often, to say every hour would be a underestimate. But I’m aware of my weird code I hold myself to and that it doesn’t hold true to others. But. At least basic kind consideration. Maybe not as far as my level (probably too much), but maybe something showing consideration of another person’s humanity. It this too much to ask.

World’s Beauty

Calling out into the world,
Making a mark,
For the beauty left in the world.

Standing tall,
Walking into what is left,
Beauty to be seen,
Kindness in the world,
A kind heart to give,
In the the time I have.

To make a mark,
On those held dear,
Kindness to give,
Unto the beauty of the world.

So much to give,
To make,
To shine.

Eyes opened wide,
To the world so bright.
A duty, of mine,
To show my true colours,
Kindness, to give to all.

No end to the kindness to give,
All I can give.

To show beauty to the lost,
Those left, hurt, in the dark.
To also find myself, within.

To rage, into the world,
Showing my true light.
Kindness as my tool.
To fight,
Darkness with light, with beauty.

A lesson learnt.
From those darkest times.
Fought, lost, hurt.
Making it out,
A promise,
To help in the fight.
To show kindness to all,
Promise to the self.

Raging to make the mark.

In the past, lost.
In the now,
I have found.
Found what I’ve always known.
But lost, for but a time.
The need to be kind.

Giving my all.

After being lost,
Learning of the beauty to be found,
Clawing my way out of the dark.

I rise,
A vow to keep,
To never give up.
To rise and keep a promise.
With kindness as my core.

To never be lost again.
Knowing what’s true.
What’s right,
What’s me,
To be true.

To show kindness.

Into the world’s beauty.

Writing this, inspired by a good friend. Thinking. Thinking deep, of the past, future, aims, me and the world, it’s beauty and darkness. And the part I want to play.

Finding The Self

Finding the self,
Within the beauty of the time,
Throughout it all.
As the times flow,
Fighting in time.

Fighting the thoughts, doubt within the mind.
Of these times.
All captured within.

Looking in time,
Through time,
And within it all.
All of it.

To find that self.
The calls into the night.

The time within.
Within it all.
This mind of mine,
A rage for the fight.
For the time,
To be there and rise,
From the flames,
Off into the world. It all comes.

How it occurs,
It’s placement within mind,
Within time.

Fighting the past,
To forge a present,
To be it all,
In time.
To make it through.

Finding, the self,
In all the noise,
In all those times.

Trials of feeling, of times. To make anew,
Forged in the fires of experience.

To keep holding true,
In all that comes,
To rage into the darkness of night.
Throughout all those times.

Finding the self, throughout fight, experience and pain.
To keep.
Keep holding true.
No matter what comes to hold back.
To keep.
To go on.
Finding the self.

Keep On Caring

Keep on caring,
Through all those times,
Fighting the fade,
A being to help,
No matter the darkest times,

One with being,
To try to help,
To see that beautiful smile.

All those times,
In the uncertainty of it all,
To keep on caring throughout it all.
To keep the light shining bright.

Kindness into this world.
A goal, a trial.
To care within all these times.
To keep on caring.

Throughout the times so bleak.
To try.
To keep, being me.

Beauty within being,
Being with kindness in heart,
In mind.

To work,
Work hard,
To make kindness in all I do.

To try,
To feel,
Empathy within it all.

To keep on caring throughout all those times.
For it all.
To keep bright, caring,
For all no matter what.

This is me.
What I aim,
To be true,
To keep on caring.

Writing this, deep in thought, thinking, times, chats recently, thinking. Just so deep in thought, about it all. About me. A question for all my life. Questioning who I am and everything, but coming to the same conclusion of who I am. Who I want to be. Happy-sad but also thoughtful.