Have To Be

Have to be,
Have to be okay,
To be there and in place.
No room for want,
I just have to do.

Have is the word,
My modus operandi.

The place in time,
Place of mind.
Just in the time,
With the forceful mind,
Throwing all out.
Being or finding,
A way to be,
As I.
Have to be.

No choice but to tiresomely forge, find and walk.
This path to come,
Forge with all the fire of my light.
To tread this path.
Just “have”.
All I have, think.
All there is time for.

As always,
The time for having to be.

To make this path.
Push myself harder.
To go further.
Take the path tiredly travelled.
To make it through.

Worries, sadness, tiresome are only states.
No matter the strength.
Just to push on,
Push past.

To make this time,
Make this into time.

No choice but having to.
To find the time,
Find the mental space.

Having to be okay.
No matter the truth,
Or what I want.
No matter the need for a break.

Pushing past this.
Moving on to.
Just having to make and push this path forward.
Just have to.

Eventually will find rest,
In mind, soul and body.
Just have to.

Spoke a lot at the end of my last poem, worried, lots of worries came out I didn’t even think were there. Was listening to music and a thought for this one came.

Thinking of people, if they asked if I was okay, as they have other times. This poem is always the usual answer, am I okay? I have to be. Simple as that. Sad but true many times. Even if I put it all into my mind and forget so hard until I can’t remember. It’s just that I have to be fine. Have to be. Have so much to do I don’t have time, effort or even the mind to worry. Only to bury, write about and move on and do what I need to, even if I can’t, I just have to.

What Choice?

What choice?
What is there?
In the blank.
Time with no choice.

What is this time?
All the time that passes.
Stress in the mind.
All in turmoil,
Thinking of the time,
Time with no. No choice.

A path waiting,
Not knowing,
How to go on,
What will come.

How it all goes.
A path of fear to tread.
What may come.

Tired of the fight.
But no choice.
Many steps to take,
With no choice.

Writing this, stressful shift, but okay now. Worried, got this new position, worried, to do it right, to be right myself, with my erratic moods, feelings. My student debt repayment to come soon, earning or not, worried if I’ll earn enough to live but forced to pay. After a year paying my own way through a Masters. Always struggling and tired thinking. But no choice. I have to. I have the path I want, to eventually become a lecturer and do a PhD.

But already so tired, my body with sleeping, felt it stop. Always being so tired. But having no choice but to force my way through being constantly tired.

Worried about the next step, such a large one, moving away from home, alone, without help. Just difficult. Mind hurting thinking of it. Try not thinking, but again no choice, I have to or I’ll miss it.

Can’t remember, the last day off, even the last two I remember, still always so tired.

This may sound down, I’m feeling better, just so many worries, feel better but these worries. Never ceasing fear, tiring. But no choice but to flog myself towards my goal, the path I need to take, what I have to do.

Writing this got me a little down, but one I’ve been meaning to write for a while, around half a year. Everything looking better now, but still all this and so tired now. But in the end, so tired. My reward for choosing the more difficult path. A choice? For no choice. But I was to walk it. No choice.