A Way When I Cannot See

A way when I cannot see,
Try though as I may.

Lost in a flurry of confusion.
A way to be found,
Will be found.
Trials and trials,
Fighting for life, stability.

It will be.
I will try.
I must.

Oh how these paths are never clear,
Always dark,
Obscured from view,
Without faith for any path, until,
It is already walked down.

Obscured from view,
To push on.
To try.
To find this path,
Trying to forge from which I cannot see.

A path, a flame so bright.
Wavering in uncertainty.
Wavering, flickering,
Going cold but not dead.

Finding in the dark.
Something to be excited for, in the light.

I Once Had Hope

I once had hope,
So much,
Looking for,
In the waiting and ready to accept.

But it was once upon a time.
The revelations show themselves.
Their dark truth.
Where the mind’s light cannot prevail.

And here I am,
A body and that’s all.
Breathing and living,
Being and existing.
Without hope or happiness.

As I try, I try.
To fight, to find.
To construct my own hope,
Yet to no avail.
There is none.

Yet I keep fighting,
Keep trying.

Is this the overthinking?
Or realising the impossible, this is my goal.
Mind ticking over.
Body giving in.

In mind, body and spirit.
Giving up.
As I try, but all is lost.

All is lost.
All is lost.
And I,
Am lost with it

Eating Away

Eating away,
At this mind of mine,
Poisoned, by the thoughts,
By worry,
As it eats away,
Alone and not knowing what to do.

World emptying,
All but worry.

Not knowing what to do.
With the mind’s worries.
Left alone in my soul.
Not worth a damn,
As it eats away at my mind.

Crushing me inside.
Sorry for all there is,
For me.
Sinking deeper into despair.

Worry for my uselessness.
The hopelessness.
The pain as it comes to take me.

Stuck in place,
Nothing to help.
Pain, pain, always lingering.
Even despite my occasional ignorance.

Giving up,
Giving in.
The only option when left with nothing.
Nowhere to go,
The pain,
Wrapping itself around.

And breaking me inside.
Ripping me apart.
My self.
Torn apart.

Eating away from the inside.
My insides rupturing,
Body dying,
With the light, going out.

The flame of hope to fade.
Trials and trials all swirling,
Only to end in dust.

The darkness all-consuming,
No matter the fight.
All for nought.

It is.
It always is all for nought.
As it eats away within me,
Breaking it all apart.

Rest now.
Lie now.
Break apart in peace,
For there is no good choice,
But one must be taken.

A shitty day. Got some results back, some better than I thought, others not as good as I thought. I have to complain about this lecturer, who disliked my topic from the start, as it contradicted their view. Then the day was okay, productive, then I tried to do some productive planning for the future and it broke me. For hours now, like 6 hours, broken, worried, dead inside, hopeless, alone and not knowing what to do. No one to turn to.

Just wishing the pain could stop. I can’t take it anymore.

No matter what gets better, I’m always broken all the way back.

Got a cold I guess, feeling like death, emotions and worries and failures. Wanting it all to stop. It’s breaking me too much, I have to keep on, even as I really just can’t anymore.

Another long session in the library tomorrow.

To get what I want, need to earn more and starve myself to save. From my first year at Uni it’s been tough, always hiding it from all others until it finally bleeds through the façade.

My body wants to crawl up and die. My mind is pushing on, as that’s the only chance of getting closer to my aim.

Don’t know how much more I can take.

Always trying my best, giving my all. But it’s never enough. Never enough no matter what I give, the cost I take.

Don’t know how much more I can take.