Bit by Bit

Off it all goes,

Bit by bit,
Piece by piece.
As the time rolls by.

The sunlight fades over the hill,
All bit by bit.

Fading into the dusk-lit landscape.

All flowing past.
As the feeling numbs.
The mind lies empty.

It gives up gradually,
But that’s okay.
It’s all okay.

A smile of a wounded soul.

Ending in time.
Pondering the feeling.

All the times,
It all.

Left with the tome of memories.

The times and all left at that.

An empty, sad, feeling,
Knowing it all just there.

As it all.
Just that.
Exists,
Changes.

Left in the thinking.
Hurting and feeling.
It’s okay.
It’s okay.

This is me,
My mind’s wail,
Its wounded cry.

That’s okay.
This is me.
Always has been.
With this thinking.

An era to come,
An era past.

Losing all feeling.
Trapped in this thinking.
Happy-sad.

This thinking.
Truly life, it all…

That’s it.
I tried.
Always trying.
Caring and suffering.

But that’s okay,
That’s fine.
That’s living,
While dying.

It’s okay.
It’s fine.
The beautiful sights of life,
The morning shine,
Midnight glistening.

It all,
So painful,
Living and feeling.
Feeling so hard,
To bring existence.
Feeling so hard.

Bringing it all into existence.

The pain that comes with,
A pain of happiness and sad.

Bit by bit.
I wonder,
I think,
And I ponder.

Bit by bit, it all comes,
The pain, the feeling.
It’s okay.
It’s okay.
It’s fine.
In this living.

Calm Sadness Finds Me

Sorrow, for what I have done.
Mistakes in my past,
A mind burdened,
Able but also not.
An anchor ties to my soul.

A reminder of the horror,
But in this brief moment.
Calm.
Calming sadness,
Sadness, sorrow.
I understand.
I do, but don’t want to.
But I’m sorry.
But that is never enough.

But.
As this calm sadness finds me.
Like on death row.
Calm in acceptance,
A fate.
My punishment.

Calm in this moment.
I finally get to know,
This pain.
It’s sorrow,
For my many mistakes.

All to say is sorry.
I tried,
I really did.

Calm in the moment.
Realisation of time.

---

Feeling a little calmer, but sad. You look back and see many of your mistakes laid out. Times you hurt. These act like scars on my skin, even worse, scars on my mind, etched, permanent. Scars. But I try. I try.

Dark Fades Into Me.

As the dark fades,
through, into me.
In the dark night.
It claims.

Let it claim me.
And I’ll rage into this dark night.
Rage till it all falls apart.
To try, to claim. To be.

A dark night. To be.

Just fucking claim,
You’ve always tried so hard to do so.
Just let it all fade.

Let it all go.

Darkness all feeling.
Sick to the stomach.
Wretching all of this living.

Mood fluctuating.
Breathing hard.
The night terrors always there.

Just let it all.
Go and leave.

Fade.

As the darkness,
Poisons my veins,
I am used to this feeling.
Of the numbing fade.

Everything.

Used to the feeling, which makes me smile.
A dark smile of pain.
My own,
Self inflicted, within the mind.

All torn apart.
As I must.

I know I must.
Rip it all out.
Let the dark consume.
And rage out.

Unable to think.
Unable.
Trying in vain.

Fuck it all.
Fuck it all to hell.
I’ll walk straight through those flames. A warm embrace I already know.

All done and empty.
Let the rage out.
Let the sky rage bright,
Let it all go.

Not even knowing where I am.
Raging as this life breaks me,
Again and again.

Always breaking.
Just let it rage.
My mind a breaking wreckage,
Of flames and destruction,
Calming in some way.

But that’s it. Fading into darkness, it fading into me. With a smile of pain-totality.

---

Lots of things. Lots. Always lots. In pain already and a night out I was looking forward to. Got ditched. A message left unanswered. Used to this. Some close friends. But yeah. Always forgotten. All getting too much.

Sitting on a bench drinking, smoking, with nothing left. Everything gone.

I don’t even really care. Just unfeeling. Sad but also just so numb. Don’t even feel drunk. Just done and empty. But yeah.

Times Laid Out Bare

I often wonder,
Often think,
Often question, do I have regrets?
For the past,
For what happened.

I regret that it happened, it had to.
I don’t regret, the true happiness life shown, friends met along the dark paths.

Making me.
Breaking me,
Piecing together the remains.

But I am left,
Missing,
Piece by piece,
Throughout life, lost.

I am happy for those times,
Sad for how it’s all gone.

Though I may say regret,
I do not,
It is what I know for fact,
It is the sadness for future regret.

A path along this road need taking,
Mourning before the loss.
Regret before the action.

This is why,
Deepeningly sad, not the past.
It made me.
Good times, bad, and all.

It’s knowing I’m fixed and broken.
Continuing on, down a path I’ve known.

---

Just a pondering poem, happy-sad. Thinking. I may be easily confused by emotions especially. One thing I know full well is rationality, and it hurts seeing the inevitable path, and regretting before it’s happened, trying to change fate. But knowing all the same. This hurts. I desperately try to change this, but have known I can’t for a very long time now.

Fond Memories

Remembering,
Remembering,
Remembering those past moments fondly,
In all the troubles, that has passed.
A smile in the present, looking back on the past.

I can’t help but chuckle,
It’s funny,
How moments pass.

And on I will remember
As I know I can never forget.

As they may fade into nothingness,
Though I hope not,
They shall be kept, anyway.

The moments shine,
As memories flood back,

For the moments sometime fade,
Therein their beauty shines,
A limited moment,
A time of troubles and triumphs,
The good and the bad,
All that there can be.

But for this I remember.
A time before moments pass.

---

Best poem written today, captures one side of the many, of my thinking, only one rather than many. But captures it well, and makes me happy. Been thinking for a while, finally found a happy line of thought. Reminiscent of much, my personality, thoughts and mind. Nice. Nice.

Has been a truly amazing day, days like this I have truly missed more than could be explained with words, feeling happy, feeling glad, but also a bittersweet sad. But, that’s life, it’s always everything, all the time.

I hold only one true regret. In this life. But I’m trying to find a way to fix this. But I don’t like my chances. But I shall try, as it’s all I can do.

Moments Pass

Moments in limited infinity,
Oh how they pass,
A moment, gone,
Nothing left that can be said.
A moment and then goodbye.

Sorrow only left,
A past imperfect, but needed all the same.

But, oh why all the mistakes made.
A sad fact,
Regret there and not.
Growth gained, but the pieces lost.

A battle in the mind,
Trying to escape pain.
To replace it with rage,
But, that I can never do.
As I ponder, sadness grips me,
But not totally.
A glimmer of hope,

But the mind is left again.

To battle the war within itself,
Of itself.

Nothing’s ever fully said.
No one truly understands,
A reality of humanity.
The mind is its own true entity,
Limited to that, just the same.

There is always more to say,
Always more that could have been done,
Always more sorries to be said and meant.
But then it all passes.

A regret, a notch, a memory.
It all.

Its all left.

Trying.

Sorry.

No matter what,

This life, it’s all you have and over.

I live, try and be.
A promise, with care and compassion, even as it breaks me.
Knowing to bring care, is the only act worth it all.

To be, to live, to care.
To try and give it all,
In my failings I will fail and fail again,
But nevertheless trying.

Remembering,
Remembering,
Remembering those past moments fondly,
In all the troubles,
A smile in the present, looking back on the past.

I can’t help but chuckle,
It’s funny,
Moments pass.

And on I will remember,
As I know I can never forget.

As they may fade into nothingness,
I shall keep them.

For the moments sometimes fade,
Therein their beauty shines,
A limited moment,
A time of troubles and triumphs,
The good and bad,
All that there can be.

But for this I remember.
A time, before moments pass.

---

Trying to write. I used to keep thoughts raging and bottled in my head. Before this blog. Now I have no mind left to be eaten by the raging thoughts I kept bottled so long, stored. Over the many years I had been. Now I cannot. I am just unable to.

All I can do is write, to explain, live and rid these thoughts, a timeline of life, life lived, life hurt, and life made.

This poem, difficult. I don’t like this one, but kind of do at the same time. The thing I don’t like is also what I do.

Trying to write, started many sentences, ones I did not know what to say. Or jumped to another thought. Stopped deleting the half starts to sentences after a while, to just leave them. Be.

And then the bit after doesn’teven fit this one, I have no idea. Problem with the mind, so many things, with four pairs of hands I could still not capture I guess.

But I love the last 6 stanzas, redeeming the poem in my eyes. May take them for another poem, a better one. But here they have meaning, in the lack, a looking, trying, thinking.

It Fades

It fades,
The times,
It all, receding into a beautiful landscape, peace and calm all flow by.

Yet left, sorrowful,
For all my mistakes,
What I’ve done. But only trying.

Pain always lasting,
In my mind that never forgets,
Though I will it to.
My inability, my wall.
It blocks me.

Making the path,
Making what I wish,
An inevitable impossibility,
Though its all I want.

To try,
To be,
To heal.

Left with many sentence starts,
Thoughts and ponderings, in my head,
Trying to capture sorrow.
Trying to show sorrow.
Trying to unfeel what I do feel,
To atone for past mistakes.

Wishing an alternative,
When the mind cannot break from its path.
Being better,
Truly so,
But not. In one respect.
A sadness I live,
One I feel.

Incapable to get past,
Ignore and bury as I try.

A past I miss, missed.
Knowing,
My mind.
Gave up.

Stronger now,
But also not.
In many ways,
But a barrier persists.

Trying to find a way.
But hits up against a wall.
And I give,
It all to try.
But I know,
Know the fade.

As I try, to give my all.
Pondering into this moment,
All I can say.
Is sorry.

To it all.
As I recede. Knowing I’ve tried.
Never enough,
But. All is all. That’s all I’ve got.

Must I shut my
mind?
This I do not want.
But I know no other.
I have tried it all.

But all I can say.
Is I’ll always care.
To help at times.
Because that’s all I can do.
A promise made, always to be kept.
In all my flaws, it’s one promise I can make.

---

Been an amazing day, totally amazing. A great day. This saddens me slightly, no regrets. But regret for the past, in part.

The thoughts to the past, remind me of the broken. I am truly happy about today. Truly. But this makes it harder. Not to dwell on the darkness.

No regrets today. So much light. But this also shows a glimpse of darkness.

Sad for the past. Uncertain about the future. I’m happy, but also sad and fearful. Wish. Just wish I could be better.

A touching poem, it makes me happy and sad. It breaks me, knowing what the mind has always known. But. Well. That’s that.

I could stay on this bench pondering, thinking, for hours more. But I can’t, I must leave this landscape. And go. As I have to.

My Sorry Unto

My sorry unto,
The world of pain,
Mind swaying from all extremes.
In toxicity.
All in the unknown,
Trying to escape the horrors now.

The mind trying to understand,
Amidst the confusion, the contradiction.

Always warned away,
But believing in kindness present. My sorry,
I will be made to be sorry.
Hurt throughout it all.

Always trying,
Being.

Why won’t I listen,
To my friends’ kindly advice?
Yet I walk again,
To be sorry again.

I need, but do not want.
I want, but do not have any reason why.

But all the feeling, is sorrow now.

My sorry unto,
A world so apathetic,
One where it all flows past unrelenting,
Blows unrelenting.

This is me,
And this is why.
I’m sorry unto.

All Pained Out

Looking up into the sky,
All pained out,
Calm and sad,
In the deep blue sky.

Left, all pained out.
As the clouds flow by.
Where I am.
Mind tired out.

It all fading now.
The mind is numb,
From all the feeling,
Intense to it all.

All pained out.

Feeling difficult,
As it’s all flowed out.

Funny the feeling.
All pained out.
Lost the feeling of sadness,
But still sad.
Unfeeling.

All pained out.

The world in wait.

As I’m all pained out.
Please believe me,
I’m sorry I’m all pained out.

---

Writing, thinking, feeling okay, doing work on my final project. But always pondering. A good day tidying the house I’m moving out of with my housemates, probably the first time I’ve really hung out with them since I moved in. Still. Everything thinking.

Started writing this a while ago, been doing more work, a really late night doing work in the library. Has gone well, got a lot done. But still doesn’t change the feeling.

Been writing this on and off for 9 hours. Therapeutic, funny, the ability for words to explain, but also never quite.

Bearing This Stone-Hardened Being

Bearing the stone,
Entombed in the calcification,
Bearing it all.

Pain hardened into my very being.
Holding my soul.
Hardened to stone.

Wanting to smash it all apart.
But here I am.
Here I hold it.
Ever-stronger,
As the pain consumes me.
Raging against the world so cold.
To grasp the light.

To have and hold.
This pain so close.
To let it consume,
As I do too.
Making stronger.
Making felt,
Dying inside. As it all hardens my being.

Breaking apart the weak.
Making stronger from the pieces.

Let this flesh, be consumed.
Breaking it all apart.
And making anew.

Tearing it apart in the morning light.
To forge anew, for another day.

Raging into the day’s light.
To find and to be.
Always fighting,
To make this life be.

To become.

Stone hardened being,
To make it all live free.

But first the struggle,
Desperation and determination.
To break to make anew.
Fore this stone-hardened being.
In the fires of burning pain.

Here I am.
Here I try.

Here I shall succeed.
Embracing the pain.
Give me it all.
You’ve never let up before.
This life I will be.
Give it all to me.
I shall take it.
And embrace it into me.

Until it is all torn asunder.
Forgong throughout the pain.
Hardening these bones, this soul and mind.
I wreck to make be.
I shall bear it.
Give it all to me.
And soon I will be.

---

Writing this listening, to I am a Stone, by Demon Hunters. A song that reminds me.

Thanks to my American friend, being kind and brightening up a day, a day I’d otherwise like to forget.