Given the Feeling

Given the feeling,
Given to see,
See and I feel, In this place.
A feeling thus so,
It hurts.

But it must, for the feeling,
Like a piercing flame.

Sadness and kindness intertwined,
Trying to find, help, fight and feel.
Going on directionless,
But knowing one mere path,
To help and try,
To smile and go on.

A path to pain.
Yet also to completeness,

The world found,
But also lost.

A pain from living, feeling.
Silent, beckoning of night.

The peace,
With calm turmoil in mind.

So much always flowing in mind.

A world seen.
With it all laid out.
Staring into the night sky,
In contemplation,
Staring at it all,
Lighting up the sky above,
Always so much,
Thinking as the world spins.

Silent in its mystery.
Contemplating its being.

Writing this, emotional, thinking, about lots of things. Being a hyperempath, or I guess so, I’ve known, since my childhood, I get very emotional over what others feel, what they tell me, even caused initial rifts with my family for such. Rifts that made me close off emotionally from them, and still to this day, has its mark. I have total gratitude, but feeling it for family is difficult because of stuff earlier in my childhood.

The reason for this thinking, many YouTubers I watch have gone through recent tragedies, one has had a friend who helped to make videos and they committed suicide, a video that hit me really hard and personally; a video that never fails to bring me to tears, more so because of the memories, the community, the place to feel okay when I never did.

The second, a video from another YouTuber who’s friend helped to make videos, their mother has cancer and, these emotional vlogs, the community felt, shared.

This embodies me, YouTube and the channels I follow, many feel like a family. Have helped me through some really tough times. Where I could get the odd laugh for maybe a minute to break up a day of depression.

It hurts, feeling, empathising. I empathise ‘too much’ some have told me, ‘too kind’ others have said. I know. But I wouldn’t change that, even if many times I wished I could. For those who I care about, those who are good, I shall always be there.

Many people do and don’t know. Often the people who are kindest, happiest or laughing or always helping are the saddest. Because it is a distraction, it helps to know you’ve helped even just a little. The smiles, can be a way to convince yourself you are smiling, even to the point you never know if you truly are or not.

Many things I have thought about even recently, I try not to show it. I think about it long after, contemplate and feel such emotions that it truly hurts. It truly hurts to see another hurt, to feel. And I feel such intense feelings, even if it another person away. But this is something I wouldn’t change, I wouldn’t want a friend to hide pain from me because it pains me. Something I have often pondered. Because despite the pain, all is better knowing I tried to help, I listened and I was there if needed.

I have 3 emotional videos from the YouTubers I’ve mentioned. I can even remember particular episodes, particular monologues, I shall see if I can find an episode from a Youtuber, a video that I watched for laughs at a rough period, ended with a message for a dark topic and shone a light. Will try to find and attach below.

Started writing this, two days ago, so much got me thinking.
Alright days, but thinking and pondering.