War Of Mind

War of mind,
The dark sky above,
The turbulent waters,
The ocean once blue, now a bottomless black.

The mind at war,
A past, the warzone,
The continued battlefield,
Pain and suffering,
The norm.

How broken is the silence,
How destroyed is the dying light.
A meagre ray,
Dying in its existence,
Pained from its being.

The blackened velvet darkness,
A cold embrace,
Darkness realised.

When shown,
Truth,
Always a killer.
Destroying one from the inside.

Breaking apart.
Ripping into.

Waiting for it to end.
The darkness, consuming,
But always an arm’s length away.

Darkness is calm,
Not what others think.
It’s calm,
It’s quiet,
It’s resolved,
Accepting of being, of pain.

Darkness goes on,
Light drowned out.

Sickness is life,
Death is escape.
A broken world only seen.
The world gone to black,
But not enough,
Not fading from existence.

Broken,
Not feeling, feeling.
An empty calm void,
Holding what rage I have.
To a calm close,
Acceptance.


Been meaning to write a poem like this for a few days. Ups and downs occurring but at least days ending well and hence I haven’t. But tonight it’s ending a bit shit. Fomo, being alone and all ‘friends’ being fake at best or worse. Don’t know, I convince myself otherwise but the signs, proof has been there since primary school and unchanging.

Ending the day a bit shit I guess.

Little Wonders

Little wonder,
The path taken,
Apart,
From those not chosen.
Materialised from chance,
From a multitude of paths not taken.
Reality collapsing to one actuality.

Little wonders,
This life,
The times,
Little moments on moments,
Chances by chances,
Times in the moment,
Of reality,
From existence.

A world wrapped in uncertainty,
Then memory,
My reality.

So many moments,
Wonders,
In and of the world.
Chances that could have been mixed,
Chances taken.
Times.

It is.
These times,
Wondering,
Out in the midnight breeze,
The lights shining all around,
Yet also the dark beauty of the night,
Accompanied by the sounds of the night.
All.

Little wonders,
Only but a part,
A time,
Wonders of and in the world.
Shining on me,
Showing me a place.


Wrote this, went on a last-minute, spur-of-the-moment photography walk at night, and on this an old friend, the girl I met on a random walk, chatted tonnes walking the opposite direction from the path I was taken to rescue a hurt bird with her. It was really really nice and as with everything, reminds me of every moment. Chatted for a while tonight on my walk, was nice, was unexpected. But was really nice.

An alright day, but the walk, photography and chat to this friend has definitely made my day.

Make Its Worth

Making its worth in the face of the dark,
Finding,
Making,
Mending.

Forming and raging.
Standing and staying.

Making its worth,
Forming from nothingness,
Reminder of the past,
Formed through the fire and the flames,
Breaking until known,
Till it cannot be felt.


Mixed day, feeling good now I guess. People pissing me off and making me not aware whether it’s my overthinking. Highlighting the problem with my memory, lingering while events for others fade and leaves me remembering and thinking of something that has passed for others.

But ended with chats with awesome people and stuff. A reminder that some shit can be good.

Can’t be bothered putting any effort or care or worth in people who are toxic, they’ll just drown in their own toxicity.

Poem drifted across ideas and tbh isn’t finished, lost interest as I am distracted.

Calmly Looking Up

It is,
Calmly looking up,
Gone and falling as the pondering passes,
Done, it is,
All reached not final conclusion,
But another.

Calm in the moment,
Empty but at peace,
Being in simple autonomy,
Living out and within,
Being, time, it all.

It is,
Time,
As it is calmly looking up,
Slowly,
Through pain and struggle,
Clawing my way,
But here. Somehow.


Been a while since writing a post, been pondering, work has been good recently, feeling better about lots of stuff, lots of stuff fixed and sorted and took more photography today, see the post photo.

Things are looking up, calmly, only little by little. But yeah.

Nice meeting lots of new people recently and hanging out with friends also recently.

Empty

Empty,
What a day,
A meaning,
What?
Incoherent in it,
Thinking disjointed.

This,
So little,
Meaning.
How is it?

Happy lie?
Fake?
What is this?

My brain hurts thinking,
Changed, edited.
Oh how is it so,
Questioning reality.


Had a great day today, got home and relaxed and got a little more sad. Not sure why, maybe just stuff, no idea.

Annoyed my data has run out, card blocked from use and internet has still not been working, and unfortunately all has happened at thesame time. I have no internet, no information and its shit. Oh well.

Have to write this offline to publish later.

It Drifts to Close

Drifting,
Familiar in emtiness,
Knowing, the lie.

As I lie awake,
Thinking,
Life an open book,
Feeling detached,
All the more through the pretend.

Reminded and hurt,
Trying and dying,
Thinking, while waiting.

Getting used to the pain,
Used to sadness,
Embracing an emptiness,
Briefly forgetting pain.

My only comfort,
Caring for others,
But painful again, all the same.

Off I drift,
Out of feeling,
Loss of being,
Merely existing.
Thinking.
As I drift,
Keeping the pretense,
Drifting off to close.


Writing this, last night was an amazing night out with friends, today was amazing for many reasons and chatting with mates. Good times, has been a little while.

As I’ve been relaxing tonight, thinking, wishing I could go out tonight with other mates but probably shouldn’t. But more thinking, thinking of life, and lots of stuff, watched tv that got me thinking and yeah.

Even after an amazing day, life, the reminder that you are alive. Gets me down. Where by living, even in those best of times, it is the escape that is always looked for, an escape from remembering you are alive. Being in the moment, forgetting everything, wanting to not remember. Wanting to escape.

I don’t know how I can complain, feeling a little down even after a really really good day, it only gets worse from here for a while. But yeah. I hope it gets better. I can’t really cope if it doesn’t.

Funny though, how pretending gets easier and easier, more convincing, so much that all truth is written on here and I am a person who never is myself, or even doesn’t know how I feel myself, wrapping myself in labyrinths of my own making, getting lost so I cannot find. Funny, that’s the good addicting thing about the pretend, absorbing yourself in a lie till you believe it and for a little while you forget everything, you are someone completely new. With no history, mind, or anything, all in the pretend before reality hits.

Past Follows

How the past follows,
Taking hold,
In all those times,
Gripping me close,
Within the dark,
How they never let go.

Forgotten, out of mind,
And then a reminder,
Reminder of the time.

A time out of nowhere,
And hence comes the reminder.
Bringing sadness,
Bringing pain,
Bringing a smile, from the memories.
Alongside the pained times.

Can’t escape,
Never knowing if I really want to,
For I know the path,
Full of hate, a purge,
A path I do not want to take,
Even when I wished it.

Looking out,
Into a grey-lit sky.
Wondering why,
The conflict in my mind.

Two sides,
Two states of mind,
One of feeling and kindness and pain.
The other not spoken of,
Of rage, anger and defiance,
Of power and uncaring.

A choice faced prior,
Faced again many times since.

In every depth, pain.
From one or the other.
Always wanting the other.

A choice,
Always to loom,
Over my mind.
A choice from none,
With no end in sight.

But as I look on,
Off into the horizon.
A small, sad, smile,
Off, into, hoping for happiness and life,
To find them.


Funny how times from nowhere, always something comes back. A reminder so overt. Always, for this topic I cannot escape. Why can’t I escape. From the mind’s chains. Not even sure if I want to, even when I want to.

Let It Be

Let it be,
In the wind of the night.
Whistling past.

Out, sat. Wondering,
Out into the dark sky,
Looking,
Not knowing what for.

As I watch.
Watching on.
Thinking.
Out into the open.
Thinking.
Just wondering,
To let it be.
To let it lie.

To watch in wonder.
Thinking into the night sky.

As it all tosses and turns,
Into the night sky.
Into the world so calm.
Yet the mind,
Wondering on.
At the beauty.

Off into the mind.
As I, here thinking.
On,
On and on it goes.

The thinking stays.
The times pass.

Watching the stars shine bright.
Watching,
In the peace of night.

Those stars,
Wondering where they are.

The night to pass.
This night.
Wondering, into the night sky.
To just let it be.

How Much It Means

How much it means,
To have a friend,
A person who cares.

To make me feel alive,
In a world of dark.
To try, to be.

To be, in this world so cold,
Unforgiving.
To feel not alone,
In a world that doesn’t care.

When it all,
Rips out my soul as I cling on,
For hope,
For life.
Trying when being torn apart.
Never knowing what it means,
What it means to me.

Trying to be,
When it all just tears me down.
In a world, that just care.
Just burn me,
Consume me in those flames,
Lit so long ago.

As the world fucks me over,
Just fuck it all.
If you could,
Take all the shit you’ve given.
You’d see,
The pain, given.
It all made,
Unbearable.
When only trying to be.
Merely trying to live.
In a world, where I cannot.

You, my true friend,
My family,
Will never know,
Will never see,
What,
It truly means to me.

In a world, dark, and cold.
Where living,
Is dying,
But piece, by piece.

Cold.
So cold.
When it all.
Just slips from me.
I lose,
By trying,
By trying to be.
Alone.
And losing.
Losing me.

Losing it all.


Writing this, thinking of my best friend. Helping me when I was brought to my edge, panicked and gone.

She’s family. She’s family, but doesn’t have to be.

Still feeling very rough, but she helped.
In a world so harsh,
That doesn’t care.

Many triggers recently, the main trigger today, apart from a few recently and the start of today, it was my internet company, not fulfilling their promises, lying, being rude, unhelpful and charging me for what I haven’t got. A month’s internet when halfway through the month and it’s still down despite many many calls. May seem small, but that and the other more personal and deep stuff, tipped me over the edge and into the abyss.