Recurrent Nightmare


Oh of the pain you plague and remind me.

Oh I claw away but you still drag me back there.

Never choosing,
What the mind had seen, or felt.
And what to think. To make the pain fade fast.

As I see,
The demons of the mind.
I try to stand.
As they take,
My every escape.
Beckoning me closer,
To the black flames.

Knowing the path I have to take,
In order to escape,
To forget through hate.

Being used.
The nightmare reminds me,
Of all those darkest moments,
Behind the facade.

But the mind, fighting,
Wanting to care,
To keep my soul,
Keep kindness within my heart.

Not to lose it all again,
Never again,
To be so close,
To losing my best friend,
Through my own pain,
Hurting them so.

But so I go on.
Caring on and on.
As I know I will go on to keep caring.
Always caring,
Through the nightmares that plague me,
The past that hurts me.

But here I go,
On to keep,
Caring on and on.

The way I just am.
Caring for those good times.
To hide from view the pain and the warnings.
Just to keep on caring,
As I cannot help it.
So I will go on fully caring,
No matter the hurt that comes.

Just woke up from a nightmare of my pas. Ridicule, hurtful, fake. Crushing all I have. Everything in darkness totality. Writing this half asleep.

Yet the worst thing? Pain is something I can cope with. Used to it. Even nightmares.

What I can’t is care, always care that causes pain because of care, care borne from hurt and ridicule. Care just used to hurt.

Nightmares I’ve learned how to cease the episode. It’s more the panic that follows and the thoughts.

Even my mind in my nightmare, clear, but hurts and has left me really panicking even after a really good day.

The scars of the mind stay. The pain stays. The care stays. Shall I be continued by nightmares? Same kind of nightmare, same topic but different setting.

Had lots of these recently, causing panic and pain.

I wrote the above yesterday at 3am, as soon as I woke up after the nightmare, last night. I remember it. Of course I do.

Today’s been a good day, but the nightmare’s been there. Of ridicule, hurting and doing anything to rip me down no matter how I try to only go along. Had an awesome day, but this nightmare’s always been in the mind. Still is.

Knowing a lot is true and a lot I don’t want to believe is true. But oh well. The mind will go on caring even when submerged in pain. I’ve tried so hard for so long to kill the caring. Doing almost everything to purge care from my body and it’s never worked.

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