Victory From the Fall

Victory from the fall,
Knowing how I broke down in flames.
Only to rise,
But always remember the pain.

A past darkened by the mind,
And the actions of others,
Trusting, my mistake.
Seeing the best in people when shown the worst, my continued mistake.

Pain remembered,
Why do I still see light,
Hope for the best,
A kindness never offered.

Somewhat bitter, thinking,
When crushed.
A tiring act,
Pretending everything is okay.
Sometimes it is,
Or so I think.

Trouble is to find,
When you don’t know what to think.
When what you think isn’t really what you feel,
Or when you do not know the difference.

Pain still remembered.
A mutual victory and destruction.
Losing it all,
And not knowing what is left.
Thinking. Just thinking.

Nothing is clear,
Especially in the mind.
Not even knowing, what is in the mind.
Tired, just trying to think and understand.

The body fine,
But the mind just tired.
This feeling will pass,
Or is it that it’s buried?
Hard to know the difference.
Something thinking doesn’t help with.

Yet it’s the only chance to discover,
But it never does.

What a victory,
After such a fall.
What is left?
After being broken,
And left to the fall.

Writing this after a night shift at work, was good. Spent a bit of time thinking, was listening to music.

Mind fluctuated, listening to “Gravity” by Papa Roach. Helped me through tough times and reminded me of the dark past, being used, misled and hurt. Oh well. It got me the title for this poem which I’m writing after, thinking of what I was thinking and feeling.

Now thinking, about people and that they often say things they don’t mean, just off-hand and pondering. Really tough to try and see and analyse what people truly think when they say the “normal” stuff they think they’re supposed to say.

Took a while to get home, on the plus side, because I had time before my bus, I got to wonder to the sea and take photos of the sunrise which I otherwise would never have seen. Got a pic on the post photo.

Guess writing this, the title was when a bit happier, the content, a result of being written after is less happy. Oh well.

After writing this, most of the poem itself, it’s more sad than I thought. Definitely more sad than victorious that I felt, defiant, than when I made the title.

Guess I spent a lot of time thinking on shift, a lot of time to my thoughts. Fluctuations, change. It’s funny how rapidly my mood and mind changes, or does it change? Or merely uncovers what I’ve hid? Don’t really know the difference anymore.

The mind, like layer-upon-layer of labrinths, complicated that I don’t even know where I am, what I feel or anything, not anymore, after all the hurt and pain, after the fall.

On the plus side, I’ll probably just forget this feeling after I go to sleep now, but don’t know if I get better or just hide the feelings till I can’t see them, until I do. Don’t know. And thinking doesn’t make it any clearer. Scary, how fast the mind fluctuates.