It Drifts to Close

Drifting,
Familiar in emtiness,
Knowing, the lie.

As I lie awake,
Thinking,
Life an open book,
Feeling detached,
All the more through the pretend.

Reminded and hurt,
Trying and dying,
Thinking, while waiting.

Getting used to the pain,
Used to sadness,
Embracing an emptiness,
Briefly forgetting pain.

My only comfort,
Caring for others,
But painful again, all the same.

Off I drift,
Out of feeling,
Loss of being,
Merely existing.
Thinking.
As I drift,
Keeping the pretense,
Drifting off to close.


Writing this, last night was an amazing night out with friends, today was amazing for many reasons and chatting with mates. Good times, has been a little while.

As I’ve been relaxing tonight, thinking, wishing I could go out tonight with other mates but probably shouldn’t. But more thinking, thinking of life, and lots of stuff, watched tv that got me thinking and yeah.

Even after an amazing day, life, the reminder that you are alive. Gets me down. Where by living, even in those best of times, it is the escape that is always looked for, an escape from remembering you are alive. Being in the moment, forgetting everything, wanting to not remember. Wanting to escape.

I don’t know how I can complain, feeling a little down even after a really really good day, it only gets worse from here for a while. But yeah. I hope it gets better. I can’t really cope if it doesn’t.

Funny though, how pretending gets easier and easier, more convincing, so much that all truth is written on here and I am a person who never is myself, or even doesn’t know how I feel myself, wrapping myself in labyrinths of my own making, getting lost so I cannot find. Funny, that’s the good addicting thing about the pretend, absorbing yourself in a lie till you believe it and for a little while you forget everything, you are someone completely new. With no history, mind, or anything, all in the pretend before reality hits.