Sadness

Restless and exhausted,
Tired of it all,
Wanting to give up,
To rest.

Hurt by humanity too many last times.

Sadness,
Another time hurt,
By humanity lies.

The broken pieces sing their sad song,
Sad songs,
Too many times broken,
The pieces have no fit.

The world, no reason.
Sadness grasps,
Life, a poison running through my veins.

Until it stops.


Day started shit, gotten a little better. Maybe even good. But this goodness, always reminds me, a mere ignorance of all the shit. What I always learn to ignore and it bites me.

Only good thing that happened today really was seeing a lecturer who encouraged me to add to and update an essay I wrote for them and to send it to a journal.

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Cold Inside

Cold inside,
Always so cold inside,
I try to see past, but only shown wrong,
The colours always fade,
When I only try.

It digs,
Pierces, tears and hurts.

Now unflinching, I just watch.
I die and hope,
Let go and fade.
Hurt and leave another day.
Wanting silence,
To cry, leave and die.

Just to sit here,
Let to fate.
Left to pain by realisation,
Shown true colours.

I saddened by humanity’s face.
Its uncaring, manner.
One looking down at pain,
The outstretched hand,
A laugh?

Such to be expected now,
After hoping,
Hoping for kindness,
But wrong,
Knew I was wrong,
Guessed I was wrong.
Shown I was wrong.

As the skin won’t tear,
My mind forces,
Wills it.

The mind’s silent wait,
All unfeeling,
Don’t feel like eating as the body asks,
Not even existing,
Waiting for unconsciousness to claim me,
Sleep a redeemer,
It can claim, but never long enough.
Before I wake,
Thrown into pain again.

I can’t even remember,
To grasp a sliver of happiness,
I remember, people,
I remember pain,
I remember being used.
And I die everytime.

Memories cutting,
Slashing and hurting.

It’s so cold,
Everyone,
Always reminded.
Even as I try to believe,
People can show kindness,
Like I try.
Then I see the truth.
The truth that it’s so cold inside.


Writing, having an earlier night than usual, healthier? No, just fucking can’t be bothered to be conscious any longer. Hurtful, how hurtful people can be. Late night chats to make sure someone’s okay, to cheer them up or at least show someone understands, joke around and all sorts of shit. As always, as to be expected, as always experiences. I’m just left here, feeling used again. Wondering why I bother, but unfortunately I don’t do it for something in return hence I will do it again, get used again, get hurt again. Constant torture. Until my mind goes numb but feeling.

Against The River Flow

Against the river flow,
Sad to see,
Sad to hear,
Sad to feel.

Sad to know,
Solitude in my drift,
Alone,
Against the river flow,
Going for kindness,
Consideration,
To be there for others,
And I do it alone.

Walk the path,
A lonely drift,
A twig, alone,
Going against the river flow.

Drifting,
Seeing all flow past,
Walking down this path.

Current always pushing against.
Against me in this river’s flow.
Knowing I’m always alone.


Writing this about kindness, consideration. As I look back, seeing the path walked, always being used, an easy for others to get comfort. Always trying to help. I get used and left.

A path I walk, and know I walk it alone. Only to be used when needed, and left alone. Hating yet I continue to walk as life tears, and walk it alone.

Let the Beauty Cut Deep

Beauty, in the cut,
Running so deep,
Dripping in its time,
Rage and happiness through pain, Raging in life through the difference,
Beautiful, pain,
rage and happiness.

Pain and raging,
Happy in defiance,
Pain in it all,
Rage to extinguish,
All other pain,
And to smile.

Life so bloody,
My life laid to bare,
Beautiful in rageing pain,
Existing beautiful rage.
Complete pain.
To tear so deep.
Yes this is me.
To replicate my feelings,
Anger, hurt and pain,
To rip, cut and tear.

To pry from bone,
Rip my mind,
Tear at life.

Beauty of the pain,
coming and coming,
Always coming and expected.
Only to tear and enjoy the pain.

To rage and hurt.
To feel and keel over,
Smiling as I,
Fall bloody on the fall,
Hahaha as it all goes on.

Ripping all I can to forget the pain.
To forget the pain.
And enjoy,
Inflicting what I’ve stopped from others.

Pain suits me,
Hell suits me,
Pain of it all,
Let hell rage and flow over,
Letting the pain take over,
Letting the pain, rage through,
Letting the overflow.

Rage at what is known,
Letting what is known,
Rage through,
Fires bright.

Conversations of the past,
You know nothing of pain,
Poison of breathing,
Rage and death in feeling.
Breaths of killing,
Pain and death in living.

Fuck all this shit.

All of it,
Let it rage while I die.

All the shit comes,
Knowing from a mile away,
Knowing.
Humanity’s shit,
Its stench,
Its living, a hell it does not know.

Dying inside from the stench,
Living as in the horrific,
The humanity,
Raging in my own death.

Death of living.

Beauty of the pain cutting deep.

Let it all,
Rot in hell,

Raging against the decay,
What others, call life.

Hateful of being,
What others inflict,
Calling living.

Lies of humanity’s living.

Of being,
The lies and horrific needed for living,
Being and festering.

To rage and show I exist,
To let know.
To just let know.

Beauty found in pain.
Pain of the lies
Told just so,
Pain bringing forth the rage,
Rage to being,

To living as dying,
Beauty within,
Rage for the beauty of pain.

Oh What

Oh what,
What has come,
Cruel world testing my mind,
Come to inflict,
To change and worry.

Oh what has come,
What has tested and hurt.
Brought me here,
Pondering to completion,
As I look up and wonder,
As I question,


It’s been a good day, currently mixed, thinking, writing, about memories, regrets and all sorts of ponderings.

I am very nervous, a friend I haven’t seen in a year is coming down to visit and we’re going to a Halloween house party together. Cool. But yeah. Nervous a bit but also not really. Just generally thinking. As I always find myself.

Later went on a walk and took some night-cityscape photography to clear my mind and lost motivation to finish this poem of thoughts, and thus it is left an incoherent mess.

Can’t Give In

Can’t give in,
Can’t give up.

Giving up hope,
In humanity,
No matter what it shows,
Pain and life,
Of all that is inside.

Can’t give in, give up,
On human feeling,
Human being.

Feeling the world,
Running, through the skin so deep,
As it is,
Running,
Through feeling,
Being.

Remembering that human feeling,
And holding on.
Holding tight.

Letting the rains above,
As the drops hit my skin,
Rain down,
In feeling,

As all,
Leaves past,
Uncaring,
Letting the fade,
Consume,
I,
To make amends,
For the darkness letting take hold.


Amazon night out with friends, thinking, talked to a homeless guy for a bit. Thinking.

Still There

Still there,
A reminder of those times,
A time of life,
Remembering those memories,
As the feelings of euphoria have faded into time,
Fades but remembering the bliss,
In such a silly, casual moment,

Memories,
Even from afar,
Small moments,
Of abnormal normalcy,
Sweet,
Reminders,
Message goodnight,
Up late chatting,
Remembered in the time.

Hoping for the best,
A time of life,
Times being,
Yet not pretending,
Even with nervousness.

The beauty of the landscape,
The night sky before me.
As the day comes yet again.

The pull of beauty in the landscape,
A reminder,
Finding,
Losing oneself in it all.

In it all,
Worth another step,
The journey on.

Still there,
In those memories and reminders,
A future brighter,
Casual normalcy,

Moments lost,
In a new place,
Brought to,
By beauty,
And the time.
Of all those times,
The moments.

Uplifting and life-bringing.
Letting me be,

In casual normality,
I write, I capture,
Content.

Trials To Face

Trials faced,
And to face,
Shouting into the night,
The will,
To bring forward.

Dragging all the pieces if need be,
Summoning rage within,
Against all that is wrong,
To make a mark,
Make my mark.

Kindness and care,
To disregard the pain,
To push aside all obstacles.

To show,
The world of dark flames.
To take a stand,
As the night calls,
Nothing to stop.
Nothing to let the darkness consume.

To take and consume darkness,
To overcome,
To bring the fight to the demons inside.
All with a try.

To bring out and shine,
To let the darkness tremble,
To drown the darkness,
Darkness to fuel resilience.

To stand and let out a light,
To let life shine.


More photography today, feeling better, including the post photo.

Sweet Reminder

Sweet reminders,
Reminders of plans,
Times forgotten,

Easy to forget in the flow of the world,
But to remember,
To remember,
A time ahead,
To look forward to,
Time behind,
To remember.

Thoughts all in place and calmed,
To live and remember,
Through a sweet reminder.


Writing this, thinking back on last night, a sweet friend messaged me out of nowhere and we got to chatting, about all sorts and making more ideas about stuff to do together when they come and visit. It was nice and to be honest brightened up my night. Chatting about all sorts.

After the Time.

After the time,
The time moves past,
Helping,
Left to the thoughts.
Feeling okay, but the thoughts.
Always, they stay.

Of the time,
Within the time,
Moments in the mind,
Thinking on and on,
A restless mind.

Okay in the moonlight,
Remembering,
Just moments that pass,
As it goes,
As the thoughts flow,
Calm,
Inside the confines of the mind,
Calm pondering,
Calm within the thoughts.

As life goes,
It just goes,
The calm night,
Relaxing in its moment of solitude,
Trapped in a mind.
But it’s not so bad.

It’s just something I’ve just,
Gotten used to.
Times.
Oh of all those times.
The ringing of life.

Within its calm flow,
Within the light,
Of the night.

As the night goes on,
Calming at peace.
Watching the sea reflection,
The large moon shine.
Lights of the city,
Sounds of the night.

Calm,
In its reminder of life,
Of a time,
Of all time.
As moments come, go, fade and linger.
Moments like a song,
And its eventual fade.

As the night shines,
Trying to remind,
Of life,
All that’s going so well,
Yet an empty feeling,
Comes and goes.

Flows and goes on.
In the moment,
Feeling in this time,
Confusion and peace.
Within living.
Remembering scars,
Left to the side.
Burnt aside.

Remembering gold,
Trying to hold onto,
Small moments,
Times.

Just.
Just after the time.


Had a good day today, a bit of photography after work made everything nicer.

I don’t feel down, or I guess not. Even before writing I know that this poem will probably end up being a bit sad. But that’s how it goes.

Did good, helped put minds at ease of colleagues of mine. Just feels good helping. But as always, just left thinking, after helping others. Now I think about this, it’s been like this for a long while. But more recently in the last few years.

Another photo I took today.