Guilt

The moment,
The time,
Guilt ever-filling.
Guilt for the self,
for what I do to you,
The mind, my mind,
The face of guilt,
For what I do, feel and see.

The face of me,
As a tear runs down,
Knowing my fate.
Walking this path.
Knowing. All along.

The demons hold,
Not like before,
The gentle grip,
Unlike before,
A whisper in my ear,
Showing me,
No escape.
As I,
Continue on.

A gentle grip,
Never letting go,
But less violent, more long-lasting.

As I know, feel and see.
Knowing freedom,
Unattainable,
Pain, always coming.
All that can be hoped for,
Temporary respite,
Until I see,
See the hand on my shoulder,
Gripping me.

Not knowing,
So I sit here fixed.
Wondering.
Thinking.

Unable to think clearly,
As I sit.
Just waiting,
While this grip holds on.

And I hold guilt,
For not setting myself free,
Not being able to,
Not knowing how to try,
Not willing to try,
As I. Fixed in place.

Warnings so clear,
Alarms in my mind.
Alarms all around.
Yet guilty,
For the grip holds,
I stopped, stopped shaking it off.

Unsure in place,
I exist.
Guilty, for continuing.
For going on.
For knowing now,
What I’ve known all along.
I am complicit.
Complicit.
And from complicity, comes guilt, sorrow. Continuity.

My mind burning with sorrow,
From the guilt,
The lies I need to tell myself;
That it’s fine.
That it goes on.
As the choice makes the guilt.

Never surprised,
When knowing all along.
And knowing into it all.
Complicit with guilt.
Sorrowful.

What’s worst,
Is knowing,
Having known all along.
Making guilt find me.
Actions my own.
Actions for a pain my own.

Knowing it all.
My pain so deep.
Only wishing an escape,
Resolved to living in the pain.
Living, continuing and just going on,
The pretense of normalcy, normality.
Normality of pain.
When it cuts so deep.

As I know.
Have known.
Go on.

With the guilt gripping me,
Choices made, from choices I didn’t.

Sitting alone,
Better this way,
In my throes of pain.
Knowing the path ahead,
The sorrow and guilt there.
My friends to make.
Life to be.

Hoping where there is none,
That the pain will fade,
Living with the mind’s scars.
Raw as ever.
Deep and new always.
The rupture and bleed,
Sad but true,
As I know.
Complicit in its making.
And okay with it,
Okay and knowing.
With this pain.
Washing all other troubles away,
A tsunami to wash away the ripples.

Waves,
Crashing at my feet.
Sinking into the blackened sand.
The sea-rumble,
Never to drown out the thoughts,
As I lie,
On the cold ground,
Sitting, thinking, living,
In this time.

As I slip away,
My mind takes me,
Losing piece by piece.
Time after time.

Saddened with every choice,
Choices not for choosing.
As the time passes,
Barely noticing.

Loss so deep.
With a corrupted mind.
Pained into submission.

All the feelings,
A mixed mess,
Of happiness, sadness and all in between.
Just the feeling,
Ripping at my soul.
As I lie unfeeling through feeling.
Tired, but the body wont give up.

All-consumed,
By guilt, my own.
Sorry for all said,
Sorry for feeling.
As with this all.
Dying inside,
Until I don’t notice.

Tears cannot flow anymore,
After so long,
A pain longlasting.
Nothing more.
Pain taken it all long ago.

And just left.
Guilt.
Just guilt.
Over it all;
All done, said, felt, and complicity.


Was okay, but as always, seems to turn out a lie. Writing this, doesn’t help, but I need this. Just need to write, life and experiences, living, pain and sorrow. My guilt.

The picture, taken earlier today.

Advertisements