Was feeling really awesome. Only just over an hour ago, was with my dad, hanging out while he’s visiting for my graduation. Now after going home, thinking, just thinking. Fears I’ve written posts and poems and just not posted. I cannot explain the anxiety since years ago. Many years ago. Uncertainty, feeling I’m stumbling from one place to another watching as the land beneath me sinks before I jump to another place of temporary safety, that I very much know will fail.
With my diagnosis I know this uncertainty is not good for me, and I finally understand why it affects me so and has done for many years. Uncertainty in living, in my job having a time limit. Fear, that every place I live I cannot even feel comfortable, even now, furniture for my new place I haven’t bothered with, my dad feels bad for me I guess, calling my living very minimalist, I play it off for his sake, but, I would describe it as squatting in my own bedsit. I can’t feel comfortable if I know it’s temporary, fleeting, living for one year before being uprooted and again. I have considered going back home, I do not wish to. But it has certainty and more security, I know this, it is the obvious choice, one many friends of mine have chosen. But I know my reaction, it’ll be a loss of interest, like an animal that is already dead, but living just because life continues even if it is only torture, pain, and numbness. At home, I will lose all aspirations, peace, and just resign to living just to pass the time before death. Even back to my childhood (definitely not a bad one, but one full of mental anguish, my addiction to video games from the age of 6/7, it was an attempt to escape reality, escape my mind, escape thinking, I even knew I used it for an escape, I didn’t know what I was escaping from, didn’t know it was not the only way. A situation much like drowning thoughts in alcohol, cigarettes of gambling.
My worries have been getting to me for a long while now, years even. My worries then paralyse me, my paralysis then causes more anguish and less time to fix. This produces more worries and then I am further paralysed and it all spirals. Even the one thing that brings me peace, it itself is an escape, itself is fuelling paralysis by not confronting worries or a problem and itself also causes great anguish.
I honestly would never wish anyone Autism, even worse a ‘hidden’ Autism. It’s torture from living, good or bad, having the best or worst time in your life it always is pain. Always worry. Always looking for an escape.
Recently has been amazing, my time at home, my first shift back at work, recently prior to graduation. Photography all going well. This, as what seems like almost everything only causes more anguish and pain, I am having a good time, so why do I feel like death and worry? This causes greater pain.
My childhood, I am and have been very privileged, nothing perfect, nothing is, but then why do I feel this again? This only adds further anguish, being ungrateful? Further pain and anguish.
Autism is torture. It is pain, loss of understanding, feeling a world that is never true, never knowing anything, never feeling anything but pain, anything good is only a facade for hiding the pain. Even when everything is, ‘okay’.