With what thrown my way.
Unable, to take a step back.
Unable to forward.
Wanting. Just empty. Wishing. Just left.
Nothing to turn to.
Every way I think leads in emptiness.
Just disappointed. In myself. In people. All people. Hope leads only to disappointment.
I starved myself in my first year of Uni. Even went into a store to feel less hungry, eating food through my eyes. All my degree never got what I wanted. Anxiety and all. All only to afford my degree. Only barely. Everything. First time I really second guess my decision to move. Move. I don’t want to go home. Left with nothing. I can’t be bothered. The new year. Hasn’t started well. I guess it’s never started well for me. My worst days are others’ amazing ones. All I can do is drink and just drink.
All the pain, struggle, for nothing. All to show for it, a façade. A pretence for others.
I just give up. Just wish my body would let me. Depression is always. Anxiety is always. I just try not to notice it. Just try not to think about it.
Just had a plan, a party to spend New Year’s, was effectively cancelled as soon as I left for it, drinking on the beach alone, couldn’t be bothered to stay 30 mins for fireworks. Regret going out. Regret not staying for fireworks. Regret not going home for the holidays, would regret staying home for New Year’s Eve. I have one wish since I was 12 and it’s always been out of reach. But I wish. Staying for reasons not your own. Chained, but not being what you want.