Memories as they fade

Memories as they fade,
As they fade,
Grasping hold till the let go.

Remembering,
A place of memory,
Of time.
In an attempt,
A promise to,
Also to myself.
In the trying.

The making and being,
In the face of lies and failing.
As I try,
To keep my head up.

To try.

As the thinking grows, tears at me,
As I try on,

To make,
It all okay.
As I try,
All the words flood through my head,
Overwhelm and all my thinking,
Wanting to stand still.

As I think.
Sadness grips me.
Makes me cry in pain,
Thinking, Thinking of it all.
My pain.
Isolation,
My lack of understanding,
Inability to trust my mind,
To trust my sight.

As anger grows and sadness stays,
Anger at my own mind for sight,
For an inability to see,
Wanting to know,
Hurting me. Just trying,
Just trying,
Just trying to see.
To be able to feel and not feel bad.


Went on a trip, a photoshoot with a friend yesterday, was really, really good, but thinking. Thinking. Reminded me of all sorts, even that night out I had a thought I haven’t in a long while. Feeling a little down.

Thinking of my experience and Autism, how I’ve gotten to the stage of hurting myself, insulting myself whenever I feel good, just so I don’t inevitably feel bad. I know it’s counterintuitive but yeah. Better I hurt myself than something else do it.

Just means I’m always ripping into my mind with a shard of glass watching the colour flow. Sadness of existence but never being able to see.

The Times

The times as they go,

Thinking,

Being,

In a world,

Feeling,

Being,

In a world of my pondering.

Thinking in the moment.

Feeling. Thinking.

Knowing.

Being used. But let it be.

To just feel something.

I know.

I feel.

I hurt.

But this I know.

This I know.

This I very much know.


I’ve had an absolutely amazing night out that I do not regret. Still thinking. Wrote this early in the night, and I opened to find it still true at the end.

Work been good recently, hectic but good. (Not had time to write poetry or a blogpost as I’ve been very busy).

Tonight, shows me everything clearly, Autism as torture. Seeing but never knowing. Being used or not? Everything I see. Pain in everything.

I loved the night out and do not regret it at all. I guess you can see why I can get so down. If I’m writing like this after an amazing night what does that say about a night hat is less than amazing. Autism. Never knowing, seeing but needing to test. I’m so confused. Have so much more to write but too tired and drunk.

So Many Things

So many things,
So many things, I thought I knew.
It was real,
I know now is wrong,
My disability.
My reality,
Living,
In being.

In knowing.
I should know, should see.
But yeah.
Should see…


Wrote this Friday evening after going out with some friends. Not posted this on Friday because I was too drunk. Considered it after, but had to ponder what I had written, whether I meant it.

I am still not sure. And hence don’t feel like finishing it.

Many of the things ‘I thought I knew’ can still be true, even after that night where I thought I was so wrong. But, I know my overthinking.

Feeling a little better, not as good as when drunk. But. Feeling a little better than I have in a while. I don’t know what has been up, what is up. But yeah. Will have to try.

Surrounded by People

Surrounded by people,
But in my head, alone.
Aways with people but never really know.

Saying,
To hope it may come true,
To wish it true.

Saying,
Yet feeling,
How I feel, but always thinking.

Worries, anxieties and nerves,
The mind fades to black.

Crushing blow,
Cracking mind,
Paranoia of a million thoughts


Been a better day, trying to keep spirits up. Sad for a number of reasons. Work less stressful but then how the mind second guesses itself, asking if you worked hard enough, if anyone likes you, even if you can point to evidence of a sort.

How the mind can warp and try to falter. Even having to tell yourself a lie to keep going. Something that you do not know if it’s a lie or not.

Doing a little better. Or at least I hope I am.

There comes a point where you stop looking and instead have to say you are, even if a lie, and hope that by saying it’ll make it true.

Sad Thoughts

Sadness grips me,
And here I am thinking,
Just thinking,
Wondering.

I place my mind.
It exists in time.
Just being.
So tired, so tired.

Losig hold,
So cold.
Empty, thinking.

End it.
I’m tired.
Always.


Today a hectic shift much like yesterday. Thinking, about thinking, I know how my mind works, it follows a simple set of consistent rules. So I can predict responses based on different occurrences. When seeing a counsellor it isn’t help understanding I need. It’s a way to fix my mental health.

I remember exactly the memory leading me to hate my brother for many years from primary school until university. I can remember many flash points of tension and hate anger in my life.

While at work I remembered something from my childhood that I never thought was out of the ordinary but now I think it, it is. When I used to be religious, I prayed to God everyday wanting to die at like age 7, I remember it crystal clear. What a sad existence, and that was before I even really knew it.

Funny how these memories come to the fore again. And my tendency to see these things as normal and now looking back on them they’re, I guess, far from such.

Today I’ve felt angry when not asleep. Maybe pushing myself too hard, so tired. Just so tired.

World To Be Found

In this world to be found,
To be found of me,
By my hand, to make my world.

Walking through the fading light and fog,
Through a mist too dense to see.
Walking and hoping,
Moving on.

With everything tearing,
Breaking and hurting,
As I keep walking, trying,
In the making of this world to be found.
As I keep going.
Keep on trying,
To make my world,
Make my way.


Has a crazy busy shift today, was good though and I was on top of stuff. At the end though, worried if I did enough or did the stuff I should have. I stayed half an hour after to relax before going and do stuff I needed to do. Felt better leaving, knowing I did all I could, making a decision is better than the paralysis of indecision. Feeling a little more hopeful. After I went for a shot I wanted for a while, and in the moment it turned out worse than I thought but looking at the photo after, it looks much better than I thought. Only one issue which was I lost my tripod foot. But it was worth it. Although very annoying at the time. Feeling a little more hopeful. Thinking of my friend. Lots of stuff.

Surrealities

Had a very very weird dream. Won’t go into it much. I got held at knife point at work and taken hostage to a isolated location (yes dreams are weird and make no sense and I’ve picked this apart for its lack of logic, but I swear I have a reason for writing this).

It was weird being the hostage, the person was definitely was scarred mentally and my brain definitely made up a good back story as I felt really sorry for him tbh. Very very scarred.

The captive part ended with friends and police arriving, the captor settings himself and the place and himself on fire and telling us to get out.

I bonded with a fellow hostage, both during capture and very much after. After we spent time chatting about the mental scars, and yeah, it felt so real, but less for me, a bit numbed by my own mentality. Reminded me of IRL, helping and chatting to people, reassuring, trying to give hope for the future and thinking just after the dream that I do this believing it for them, wanting to show them but never believing it for me.

I’m writing this to remember and ponder on. I had a very good but exhausting 12 hour shift and totally crashed when I got home. Have woken up at 2am with the light on from this weird dream. So context.

Feeling sorry for the captor was one bit of personal moral quandary.

But the saddest moment, the main reason I’m writing this. Which has me worried. Even if it’s probably total BS. It’s a weird dream. But. After all that, I felt more lonely in normality than in captivity, felt more lonely chatting to my fellow capture about the event and quite frankly the horror, trying to help them, but I felt more lonely when surrounded by all my friends. Also thinking of it after, my own IRL acknowledgement that it’s my depression that desensitised me to the experience within the dream (I was okay and helped the other capture, didn’t care about myself, didn’t even really feel within the experience myself). Hence, interesting, despite it all leading to a nightmare, consider how (this part is being written last; I have not used the term “nightmare” except for this once). I am quite worried about a few things.

Not gonna lie. Bit of a fucked up dream. And I’m definitely gonna be thinking more on it. Wouldn’t like to go into more detail as it was vivid and quite mind-wrenching in many ways, but mentioned the important bits. Haven’t remembered a dream in a couple months and this one, well, this is certainly one to remember, wow.

Now to get sleep before work tomorrow.

But one last weird aspect, shedding light on something I didn’t know was true of me anymore, now, I want back into the dream, reminds me of secondary school depression when I spent like 90% of the day sleeping, always wanting an escape into my dreams just not to exist in reality.. what a dream.

Thinking.

My shift today, it was good, for most of it but still am unsure if the work I did; tried my best, got a lot done, but also was distracted by other jobs I had to do did mean I didn’t get as much as I wanted done. Thinking. Just thinking. Wondering, worried and a bit in pain.

Got me thinking about thinking, my process of thinking.

It’s like me, seeing my thoughts, as a being within a simulation of reality and other potentialities sorted by probability, and in this reality people and their perceptions, but also perceptions for other realities and eventualities simulated and sorted by probability. And around all this there is room for other potentialities from inevitable uncertainties, and unknowns from my own ability to see and process all accounted for and extrapolated in my own head. Hence everything always fills my head, always influences me in my day, thinking and thinking.

Was it always like this? Most of it, always like this. I don’t think it was in primary school, and gradually increased bit by bit in secondary school throughout.

Always overwhelming world is filling my head. Causing great pain. The only good parts it allows empathy, care and acceptance for everyone in pretty much all scenarios. It also shows beauty of intricate infinite moments of beauty in reality and many other potentialities and has helped me greatly in studying history. In my own life, it has meant that very little ever truly surprises me. Even if something happens that was lower on my expected probability, it still occurred.

That’s the thing about spending such time thinking about any possibility even the totally unrealistic and absurd, it means everything that is more likely to happen in reality is usually at least thought of as a possibility, even if unlikely.

But it also makes worries worse, thoughts, of a bad subject and the infinite branch of bad things that can branch forth. And it leads into a spiral. Not to mention the human bias for survival to remember in greater detail negative events, it only makes the whole process worse.

Knowing possibilities, and even seeing the human bias for negative events doesn’t lessen in the slightest any of these effects, lyrics from a long I like and have been listening to a lot, explains this; “because you know you’re colour-blind, doesn’t mean you can see the colours

To Drift

To drift,
To drift away,
Unfeeling where I am used to.
Seeing,
Pondering.
About it all.

Before I dift away and off,
About being, existence and all the lies of being.

The rose windows,
Important for seeing the world,
For being in,
For making and being.

All to drift,
Drift away,
To drift into time,
Into the mind,
Fears, scares and a time.


Had a bit of a rough day, work in the morning was stressful. Me trying and feeling like I’m failing. Always trying and always unhappy with what I can do. Then I went to an event and sat alone anonymously without even being noticed, no one I knew was there. The second or third year that’s happened. Reminding me how alone I am. Having no friends really, people think I do, I know lots of people, get on with everyone. But not really friends with them. Really? I have only 2 friends I guess. And neither do I see often barely anytime.

Day lightened up with seeing a really good friend’s IG, a friend I miss. Also some nice photography. Was the first time feeling alive in like 2 weeks. I had to force myself to go out and take photos it had gotten to a point, I didn’t want to go far (where I planned) and instead forced myself to go only a short distance.

I don’t know if writing this is making me feel better or worse, seeing the truth laid out rather than seeing a lie you want to tell yourself. But oh well. Life is life, pain is pain, I guess it’s just about getting on until time runs out. Feeling a little mixed.

Bring the Pain Into Being

Bringing the pain,
Through my mind into my skin,
Never to be seen.
Hidden,
Scars in the mind.

As the dark smile grows,
Wanting to feel pain,
Penance tor beiny,
Rage at being.

Just to hide, before showing the colours.

As the darkness surrounds,
I have known no other,
Wanting to just rip out of me.
In pain and rage of being.

In my mind I can be.

All the faces before me.
With my given lie.
Oh how they don’t.

Broken shards in my mind, arm and body.

Oh how it all combines,
All these lives,
All in a lie.

Hiding,
Not knowing,
As I bring pain,
Into being.
To feel, pain that I can all bring.
Ripping my skull out of my own mind.

Just to feel angry. Sad. Hurt.

Just to bring about an edge.

Lies, told without even knowing,
Pain has overcome,
Lies they are,
But I’m so used to hiding.
So the snap-shot emotion,
To get past the question,
Years and years of practice.

A mind just to calculate,
Normality, then form a mask.

While inside the pain grows,
Making the unseen scars,
Rip across my face and body.

Bringing anger and sadness.
Till it exhausts me.
Till I collapse tired.
Till I give up.

Being, bringing pain into the mind,
The mind’s response pain, for the body only to.
Lead to it all.
Pain totality, anger and sadness.
Left hollow and lost.

Disappointment is key,
To bring feeling to this pain,
To make it whole and grow free.
A rage, a battle against me.