Pain that Never Rests

In the pain that never rests,
Pain in the world.
Never resting for the mind,
All the darkness.

I can’t see.
Full of gratitude,
The pain exists,
Moves and fills me with emptiness unexplained.
In a world I am so alien.

Pained and tired,
Waiting, hoping.
Feeling broken without a reason why.

Of all I’ve gone through,
Waiting and hoping.

A world slashing at my sides,
As I walk this path. Having lost. Lost all I knew,
Every path thrown into disarray.
All those hopes I have lost.
All I have, lost.

Gratitude for all that has come,
Has been given me,
Has been earned through trying.
But I have lost.

Stuck in a well,
Without sight,
Without a way out.
Dying within the depths of my mind,
Numbing without direction.
As I stand here lost,
Only to collapse.

Without direction.
The mind it hurts,
Passions fought for, fighting for,
But they die inside.
I have lost.
Lost all I held.
Lost and cannot find.

Without rest my mind,
It cannot find.
Hope to be.

Just got back after a photography trip, a short one considering it was 3am. Feeling a little calmer, better, but still a bit sad, without knowing a reason why.

Thinking, of the many hopes I had during Uni, all torn apart gradually, even in the pain, I had hope, even in vain. But now. It’s all gone. My hopes, there but lost, without any hope. I try, try and try. Watching before me. Having lost.

Thinking, my hopes, maybe its Aspergers, but I had hopes, direction. After Uni, I have gotten into photography, but don’t go as much as I want, maybe just so distracted, hopes to study, to do a PhD, to become a lecturer. So glad with my opportunities, that have allowed me to move away from home, something I never thought I would be able to do this early, my generation in my family I have been the first to move away from family. But still find myself lost, without direction. I haven’t kept up studying, research, reading, something I feared. Because of photography, sadness and seeming so far away from any of my hopes and wants. Even the most basic, I have lost. Even my closest friends I rarely see. So good the small occasions I get to see friends. But still. All seems lost and I do not know what to do, to try, to hope. Only left, to die inside the mind.

Panic Turns

Panic turns,

A day, a future, nothing,
Worry of changes happening,
The mind claustrophobic,
Worried running amok,
Feeling claustrophobic and wanting an escape.

Running and running in the mind,
Panicking and wanting to escape.
Nothing helping,
The mind running and running over and over.

In my skin,
Panicking bit by bit,
Wondering, thinking.
All thoughts, at once,
Like 100 minds in one,
At the same time and in conflict.

Bursting forth from my mind.
Where it hurts,
Worries, worries and panic.
My head wanting to rip free.
To tear out.
To escape panic,
Heart beating fast, breathing heavy.

Just so,
So many thoughts in mind,
Causing great panic,
Without reason.
Panic, just panic without reason,
Sudden and severe, wanting to tear my brain out.

Just all the thoughts.

Panicked. Don’t know. Sudden. Trying to sleep but thinking. So I can’t. I may try to go out and do photography if I can’t get some sleep. Just panicked. Hating this. Thinking about so much. So many things and just panicking.