Pain that Never Rests

In the pain that never rests,
Pain in the world.
Never resting for the mind,
All the darkness.

I can’t see.
Full of gratitude,
The pain exists,
Moves and fills me with emptiness unexplained.
In a world I am so alien.

Pained and tired,
Waiting, hoping.
Feeling broken without a reason why.

Of all I’ve gone through,
Waiting and hoping.

A world slashing at my sides,
As I walk this path. Having lost. Lost all I knew,
Every path thrown into disarray.
All those hopes I have lost.
All I have, lost.

Gratitude for all that has come,
Has been given me,
Has been earned through trying.
But I have lost.

Stuck in a well,
Without sight,
Without a way out.
Dying within the depths of my mind,
Numbing without direction.
As I stand here lost,
Only to collapse.

Without direction.
The mind it hurts,
Passions fought for, fighting for,
But they die inside.
I have lost.
Lost all I held.
Lost and cannot find.

Without rest my mind,
It cannot find.
Hope to be.

Just got back after a photography trip, a short one considering it was 3am. Feeling a little calmer, better, but still a bit sad, without knowing a reason why.

Thinking, of the many hopes I had during Uni, all torn apart gradually, even in the pain, I had hope, even in vain. But now. It’s all gone. My hopes, there but lost, without any hope. I try, try and try. Watching before me. Having lost.

Thinking, my hopes, maybe its Aspergers, but I had hopes, direction. After Uni, I have gotten into photography, but don’t go as much as I want, maybe just so distracted, hopes to study, to do a PhD, to become a lecturer. So glad with my opportunities, that have allowed me to move away from home, something I never thought I would be able to do this early, my generation in my family I have been the first to move away from family. But still find myself lost, without direction. I haven’t kept up studying, research, reading, something I feared. Because of photography, sadness and seeming so far away from any of my hopes and wants. Even the most basic, I have lost. Even my closest friends I rarely see. So good the small occasions I get to see friends. But still. All seems lost and I do not know what to do, to try, to hope. Only left, to die inside the mind.

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