My shift today, it was good, for most of it but still am unsure if the work I did; tried my best, got a lot done, but also was distracted by other jobs I had to do did mean I didn’t get as much as I wanted done. Thinking. Just thinking. Wondering, worried and a bit in pain.
Got me thinking about thinking, my process of thinking.
It’s like me, seeing my thoughts, as a being within a simulation of reality and other potentialities sorted by probability, and in this reality people and their perceptions, but also perceptions for other realities and eventualities simulated and sorted by probability. And around all this there is room for other potentialities from inevitable uncertainties, and unknowns from my own ability to see and process all accounted for and extrapolated in my own head. Hence everything always fills my head, always influences me in my day, thinking and thinking.
Was it always like this? Most of it, always like this. I don’t think it was in primary school, and gradually increased bit by bit in secondary school throughout.
Always overwhelming world is filling my head. Causing great pain. The only good parts it allows empathy, care and acceptance for everyone in pretty much all scenarios. It also shows beauty of intricate infinite moments of beauty in reality and many other potentialities and has helped me greatly in studying history. In my own life, it has meant that very little ever truly surprises me. Even if something happens that was lower on my expected probability, it still occurred.
That’s the thing about spending such time thinking about any possibility even the totally unrealistic and absurd, it means everything that is more likely to happen in reality is usually at least thought of as a possibility, even if unlikely.
But it also makes worries worse, thoughts, of a bad subject and the infinite branch of bad things that can branch forth. And it leads into a spiral. Not to mention the human bias for survival to remember in greater detail negative events, it only makes the whole process worse.
Knowing possibilities, and even seeing the human bias for negative events doesn’t lessen in the slightest any of these effects, lyrics from a long I like and have been listening to a lot, explains this; “because you know you’re colour-blind, doesn’t mean you can see the colours