Sad Thoughts

Sadness grips me,
And here I am thinking,
Just thinking,

I place my mind.
It exists in time.
Just being.
So tired, so tired.

Losig hold,
So cold.
Empty, thinking.

End it.
I’m tired.

Today a hectic shift much like yesterday. Thinking, about thinking, I know how my mind works, it follows a simple set of consistent rules. So I can predict responses based on different occurrences. When seeing a counsellor it isn’t help understanding I need. It’s a way to fix my mental health.

I remember exactly the memory leading me to hate my brother for many years from primary school until university. I can remember many flash points of tension and hate anger in my life.

While at work I remembered something from my childhood that I never thought was out of the ordinary but now I think it, it is. When I used to be religious, I prayed to God everyday wanting to die at like age 7, I remember it crystal clear. What a sad existence, and that was before I even really knew it.

Funny how these memories come to the fore again. And my tendency to see these things as normal and now looking back on them they’re, I guess, far from such.

Today I’ve felt angry when not asleep. Maybe pushing myself too hard, so tired. Just so tired.