Memories as they fade

Memories as they fade,
As they fade,
Grasping hold till the let go.

A place of memory,
Of time.
In an attempt,
A promise to,
Also to myself.
In the trying.

The making and being,
In the face of lies and failing.
As I try,
To keep my head up.

To try.

As the thinking grows, tears at me,
As I try on,

To make,
It all okay.
As I try,
All the words flood through my head,
Overwhelm and all my thinking,
Wanting to stand still.

As I think.
Sadness grips me.
Makes me cry in pain,
Thinking, Thinking of it all.
My pain.
My lack of understanding,
Inability to trust my mind,
To trust my sight.

As anger grows and sadness stays,
Anger at my own mind for sight,
For an inability to see,
Wanting to know,
Hurting me. Just trying,
Just trying,
Just trying to see.
To be able to feel and not feel bad.

Went on a trip, a photoshoot with a friend yesterday, was really, really good, but thinking. Thinking. Reminded me of all sorts, even that night out I had a thought I haven’t in a long while. Feeling a little down.

Thinking of my experience and Autism, how I’ve gotten to the stage of hurting myself, insulting myself whenever I feel good, just so I don’t inevitably feel bad. I know it’s counterintuitive but yeah. Better I hurt myself than something else do it.

Just means I’m always ripping into my mind with a shard of glass watching the colour flow. Sadness of existence but never being able to see.

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