Trying to find a way

Trying to find a way,

Pain in life, all a greeting,
Pondering existence, A sadness from being,

A life of being.

As I try to find,
To find a way.

In sadness I resign,
Despair grips me tight,
Brakes every bone and spirit.

Thinking of stuff, the past, present, future, feelings, myself, mental health.

Thinking of the series I binged over the weekend and tried to write about but was too tired. A scene resonates with me. Not the recovery, but two main characters are doing drugs to escape feeling, to numb, one’s homeless and poor the other is well off but both depressed. Lost. Hopeless. The poor one refutes a comparison of similarity between the two of them, saying that he would OD and join his girlfriend if he had enough money to, and it’s really sad but the sadness of both resonates. The richer one goes into his pocket, grabs cash and gives it to him, saying “don’t waste it on food”. They both nod and you can see acceptance, agreement and understanding.

A really good series, you don’t get many serious ones, ones showing despair, showing reality. Everything for me is going okay, my best friend says I’m doing much better than I was before, deeply depressed. And still I’m not really feeling much better. With all making, all doesn’t help.

I wish alcohol could give me the escape, it doesn’t, it can make me happy but never lasts long. Nothing does.

Been listening to the sad song from that scene on repeat for most of the day. Calms me. Gets me thinking.

I just don’t know what to do.

Again I’m too tired and just want to sleep.

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