Lost in place,
All the soace around me,
Free to move, bt chained in place,
With lots but without choice,
Mind anchoring, keeping me,
Lack of direction, lack of choice,
Makes a lead, to unmotivation.
Havig always had a goal.
Now seen to be a lie,
One I told,
To keep going, trying.
Told, to try and achieve, where not achieving was the only other alternative.
My only choice,
A aim I held for so long. Gone.
Now I exist in limbo,
My own personal hell.
Hoping, trying. But both fading.
I see the life drift from my finger tips,
See the hope drain from my eyes.
My soul fade from hope,
To hatred, unhappiness, emptiness and exhaustion.
All for everything,
Lies I made, needed to believe to give meaning.
A lie I thought could hold if I keep the flame alive,
I didn’t expect the sudden extinguish.
Or did I?
I think I did.
But hiding the truth when it leaked through the lie that needed telling.
A lie I needed. A lie I told.
A lie to fight the loss, emptiness.
A lie now failed,
I find myself.
Lost in place.
Amazing meal out for a friend’s birthday, haven’t seen them almost in a year while we’re all in the same city. A group of friends I almost saw every week for a couple years.
Good to see them. Really needed this, a treat, a reminder.
Still feeling lost, hurt, sad, and without motivation but small things like this, nice times are much needed distractions, things, small times, bringing me back to life.
The poem is dark, has needed to be written, about the gradual process, me since September, maybe even from 2017 a gradual decline I tried to hold back. Now the only things holding it back, my motivation, hope and idea of hard work bearing fruit. All fade, all gone, all shown as the lie I told myself to try and will a reality into being. It was worth the try. It was a good run. Still happy about tonight out, this is an undertone, a constant one for years, but at least I can replay the night in my mind, to offer what little comfort I can forge from it. To lessen pain.
Making me feel living rather than just existing.