How I try to escape,
To break from my body and be free.
From a life of pain, emptiness and broken lies.
How it breaks you,.
Or leaves you to break yourself.
How it tortures you,
Or leaves you to watch yourself crack.
Back to childhod,
Praying everynight for death to find me, Biting my skin till drawing blood.
Wishing for an end.
I have lost the reason,
The outcome basically the same.
Broken lies we tell ourselves,
Life only through belief in them.
Seeing causes the break, the rupture.
Lost like before, but with no reason to try.
Again as before,
Just waiting, waiting without end in sight.
Such a poor sight,
Like watching a puppy drown,
A child hit by a car. But at least the end is in sight.
But they may not see it, may nit have lost this lie, and thus they hold back from it.
While torture opens eyes.
Body tired, stomach hungry, but the mind has no motivation to move,
Just thinking “I want”, and countering “but why”.
And left in limbo it stays,
No energy to do, to think, to live.
Like many years ago, I remember clear,
Life consisting of a routine, school then sleep, then dinner alone and then sleep. Repeating on and on.
Today been the same, without school and a purpose and without eating with no motivation.
Sleep kills my consciousness,
It breaks me briefly free,
From life and living,
I have tired,
Being broken again and again,
So tired of all the broken lies,
That have struck me and struck me and struck.
I am tired of all this being.
Sick, of living a life of broken lies.
Slept all day today, work was exhausting, as soon as I got home at 4 I slept and pretty much slept through until 4am minus the time to write this. Haven’t even eaten. So exhausted.
Wanted to do photography, been wanting to for a week, but have been so exhausted and lacking motivation or ideas.
I have lost. Feel broken. Lost motivation and reason. I can’t find a reason for anything. I really can’t. Depression hasdby been this bad since secondary school where I slept all day everyday apart from school. I worked hard. And I slept totally. Now it’s the same but work instead of school. So tired I’d rather not. So tired.
Not really seen sunlight all day, been asleep.
At least asleep my mind doesn’t think, I’m at peace, numb and oblivious to the world. The closest I can unfortunately get to not being of the world.
Life is pain. When there is nothing left, for anything.
I was happy when I thought I had come across something that seemed for a long while to cure my Autism, did so for like 35 hours. But was too good to be true, should’ve guessed.