Don’t Deserve, Through The Pain

No matter the good,
I am in chains,
In pain,
A living that is not my own.
Chained to life.

With nothing left,
Nothing gives me life.
Pain greets me, with every breath I take.

Something wrong I know.

I do not deserve,
The goodness has to kill me.
It crushes deep everytime.

It crushes my soul.
Tears me apart.

Thinking, had an amazing time in London, Dion photography, took like 1000 photos today. Been on 3 photography trips over the last few days, after a long rut I have gone back into photography full sprint. Today was good, facing strong anxiety, London has always given me great anxiety as a kid till now I guess. In 5 years in England I’ve been to London 3 times. Two of those three were since I finished my Masters. The other one time I couldn’t get out of it as I needed a heart scan in London. Finally feeling better, stronger and getting over the anxiety over London, after the start I could actually relax in London, after stressing about it on the journey there.

But even despite the really good day, the good last few days, still thinking, about me, Autism, existence, having a crush, and it’s all getting too much. Even on those best of days I’d rather not exist, leave and never be heard of again, also just forgotten by everyone who knows me. But too weak, and also chained by the bonds I would not want to inflict pain on others. But then, it’s a living for others rather than wanting to myself. Thinking of a crush and it’s like, it’s saddening. I see myself getting happy thinking of conversations and all sorts of stuff, but when I notice I’m happy, I crush it all out. To stop the pain, to stop thinking, lying that I could ever be happy. Also that because of all of me I guess I don’t deserve it, I’m too weak for it, so I crush myself to dust.

Like a self perpetuating cycle that exacerbated itself. Like being to tired to do something fun and hence you become sadder and more tired and sadder still. Like me before, but what’s different, with being tired you need to force the single time to get back on track, while this? I can not argue with the facts. Fact, I’m alive, fact I’ve not met expectations I have, fact if I didn’t lie to people daily about how I’m doing they’d be shocked and stunned, even by the mere way I live.

I don’t deserve anything good, but this makes me more and more sad. But I guess that’s the natural progression from not deserving anything good,

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s