Fear of Happiness

How the fear takes hold, makes, warps every decision.
Breaks apart the mind.
Takes apart. Life.

The feeling

Thinking and swirling, mind out of control.

Pain, sharp and piercing,
A flame burning,
Blistering within my mind,
Wrapping around and smothering.

Breaking me from inside.
Throwing me into the dark sea of sadness.
Lost without anything.

As I try, and I try and try.
Waves crashing and stopping me dead.
As I try and tire,
It throws me, just throws me overboard.
Losing all the energy,
Just throws me, into a sea of anxiety.

Even now, I feel my mind,
Trying in vain,
To find happiness, I see the thoughts, but they’re swatted away, feared.

A mind, not my own.
As the demons have returned, stronger,
In that they control the escape,
They control the ship’s steering.
They block the view of any other way.

They tear, rip and shred.
Uncaring the demons torture.
They rip my mind apart.

Left with nothing,
But hoping for an escape,
Any path to take.
Anxiety getting too great.

Anxiety;
Over the fear,
Over happiness,
Over the fear of happiness,
Over the past and how it’s caused this.

Clawing at the sides,
Of this well as I drown,
So dark down here inside,
Seeing no outside.
Pitch black. As I fall down and down.

It all, getting all too much.
All too much.

I cannot stand.

I cannot stand it all,
Cannot stand anything.
Cannot stand the pain and anxiety,
How my mind fights itself and fights me.
How it corrupts and rips apart at my insides.

I want to feel happy,
Want to try,
Thinking even now,
After all this.
A small inkling of happiness,
I know, where to place my mind to find it.
But everytime.
My mind also shuts it down.
Shuts it out.
I see, I want to try.
But again, always, my mind is shutting it out.
Fearful, fearing, and avoiding.
Corrupting. Tiring.

It takes these small moments,
And it hides them,
Showing them as false,
Showing them to be illusions.
Showing nothing in the way forward.

How I want to try and hold,
What little hope,
I see it, off in the distance,
Even now, I smile slightly, at the thought.
Knowing it’ll be shut down.

But.

Hold onto the thought.
Hold onto the memory.
No matter the scars,
It holds me to life,
Keeps my attention,
Makes me feel life,
Onwards looking at it as it drifts,
Into the distance.
What a little, simple, ray of hope.

Even if it will be extinguished,
I’ll hold onto the thought, for just a little while.


Been on the verge of breakdown all day, sad and thinking, my birthday always causes me sadness, don’t want to do anything for it. Sad and thinking, spiralling out control. Sad. Thinking about me. Thinking about everything. Not tired but exhausted with everything. Sad about everything, so tired at work, so much I want to do but no time. Thinking and thinking. Always. Hopes, future, a crush and all sorts of shit. All bringing me down. And me helpless to try. Just exhausted. Sick and tired. My brain, seeing every bit of happiness and trying to crush it before getting hurt, or fearing getting hurt, scars of the past I guess. Scars I thought healed, forgot, over but the glass still cuts in my arm. The shard still in my mind.

So much I want to do in so many areas of my life, but too exhausted to try anymore. I have hope, but my mind crushes it, stops it, fears trying. I hope, I want to try, but so exhausted, so fearful it’s paralysing. I’m so done with everything and want it all to stop. Just want it to stop.

Tired of the constant pain. Anxiety. Fears. Emptiness and feeling.

I feel dead but unfortunately not, don’t like to say, but wish it true.

Funny how feeling can bring everything yet also take it away, at the same time.

Feels like PTSD of the past, causing me to fight happiness, to fear it, to put a stop to it. It’s a new feeling, one I cannot explain for the life of me. Cannot understand. It feels like a war inside my mind, one I’ve already lost. Fearing. Always fearing. Fearing life.

Hate it. All decisions, made for me, from the past. All fear. All hatred and hurt. Just hating. Wanting change. But all paralysed.

Any small happiness, for the smallest moment, and seeing, and then, I feel it, the slap within my mind, as it stops it dead. Replacing it with emptiness, or worse, depression. Unable to feel happiness in this state. The mind trying, and then slapped aside. The war going on within my mind, like its own entity, that I cannot even move, or shape, or try.

It’s sad, I’ve not been in this state or pure sadness in a long time, but it’s different, it’s different, this is one, not affecting general mood (although it is too) but affecting the movement of a mood from that state.

Been writing this on and off for many hours now. I don’t know. The little ray of hope, what makes me smile, even despite all this. I try. Try to hold on, to hope, to feel. I know it’ll be crushed. But I’ll hold onto it for a little bit. Before it goes.

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